Two years.
TWO YEARS.
So much can happen in two years. But a lot can also stay the same. It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately, but today especially.
I pulled out my journal from two years ago. (3 journals ago... yes, I journal a lot. Don't judge.) I knew generals of what was going on two years ago. But exactly two years ago today, I was sitting in my psychopathology class and had to excuse myself because I got way too lightheaded as we were discussing eating disorders. My lightheadness around medical subjects still hasn't changed much, as evidenced by the fact that I had to tell my roommate tonight at dinner to stop talking about this surgery prep she had to do with some conjoined twins a while ago.
Two years ago today, I wrote missionaries for a family home evening activity. I currently have a list of missionaries that I haven't written a letter to and am feeling guilty about that. I've just been so busy and exhausted. (Hopefully I'll get to it this Sunday?) I swear this missionary letter-writing business is never ending. I've seriously been writing missionaries since I was 16 or 17... this is never going to end because as soon as some people come back, more leave!
Two years ago today, I wore a piece of jewelry that meant nothing to anyone but to me, except hope that something might work out with a certain guy. Today, I wore a different piece of jewelry (that still doesn't mean something to anyone but me) as a symbol of moving on.
But in more general terms... Two years ago, I was finishing up my second semester of grad school. I remember being excited, but actually looking back at my journal, I apparently was stressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted. So many assignments and papers and finals. I felt like I couldn't do it all. And it was hitting me that I was going to have real clients soon. Real people that I was supposed to help with my limited training and understanding. That felt like a huge responsibility. But I know I was at least sort of excited, since I was looking forward to my third semester, where I was going to do a full-time internship in what I thought was my dream agency. A few weeks later, I found out that I was pulled from that agency and put in an internship in a place I didn't want to be. I hadn't even ranked it on my list of 10 options I'd be happy with. But that summer was absolutely amazing. I loved my internship more than I ever could have hoped. It opened my eyes to so many different forms of social work that I ended up adoring. I learned so much about being a good therapist that I still am able to use in my work today. Also, since the internship was more local, I had more free time to develop relationships with people who became some of my closest friends.
Two years ago, I was living in yet another apartment in Provo with some girls that I hadn't known before I moved in. I became decent friends with one, but really struggled with the other. Little did I know that a few months later I'd take the leap and move in with girls that I actually knew before I moved in with them. I had never done that before. I was scared. I had heard horror stories about friendships being destroyed once people became roommates. I didn't want that to happen. But it didn't. It strengthened our friendships and I learned so much about myself. And, honestly, I really don't know if I would have survived that next year without them.
So, based on my past experiences, I should know that everything will work out better than I planned. If I had gotten the internship I actually wanted, or not moved in with those girls I already knew, I wouldn't have wonderful memories that I now treasure. And I wouldn't have grown and stretched and had the experiences I needed to have to be who I need to be.
But for some reason, that's hard for me to really internalize and process right now. I've been in Boise for 5 months, and I would think by now it would be easier. And in some ways, it is. But this week has been SO hard. Seeing some of my family last weekend didn't help that fact... It's always hard to get back into the groove after being away from Boise, even if it's just for a day or two. It's also hard because I saw two jobs in Provo that I easily could have applied for. And I almost did. But at the same time, that seems so silly to me. I know I'm supposed to be in Boise. I felt so much peace when I decided to move here, when I couldn't feel that way about staying in Provo. But it's getting harder and harder for me to keep holding on to that. I've been constantly reviewing two talks by Elder Holland--"Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" and "Remember Lot's Wife." I love what they say, but I can't seem to internalize them. I'm having such a hard time not letting go of the spiritual confirmation I had to come here, when I'm still struggling being here. And I know I keep looking longingly at the past instead of looking with faith towards the future, but it's hard for me right now, even though I've seen SO many examples from my own life of it all working out like it should.
But I'll keep pushing forward. I am supposed to be here, even though I still don't get why. (I am trying to figure it out, though... I'm even working on creating a list of reasons why I'm here and then that can be a strength if I continue to struggle. Suggestions of things to add to the list are welcome.) I know that Heavenly Father desires my happiness and He knows better than I do what will make me happy. And apparently, part of that plan for my happiness and progression is to be in Boise right now, working where I'm working, living in the house that I am, and attending the singles ward I live in. I'll keep pushing forward and remember that I am not alone in this. Christ has descended below all things so that He can succor me in my times of need. I will continue to cling to that and keep moving forward and trust in the good things to come. (I know that's the second time I've linked to that talk in just a few blog posts. And yes, I am aware that I love Elder Holland's talks. Don't judge. You should love them, too.)
