So much blogging this week! Hopefully you're not sick of me.
Vulnerability is a hot topic for me and something I've been thinking a lot about. But for a while, I was avoiding thinking about it, to the point that I checked out Brene Brown's Daring Greatly twice, and each time I returned it to the library without reading it. (Still need to check it out again... and read it this time.)
But I know I wasn't as happy as I could be. By closing myself off, I wasn't happy. I wasn't fulfilled. And I think that's partly why I had such a bad year in 2013. I separated myself. Didn't allow others in. Which kept m heart safe, but totally and utterly deflated. So when I found this comic a while ago, I knew it was something I wanted to share. But since I wasn't in the best place emotionally, I still didn't really want to think about it. I didn't want to consider its impact on me.
The guy illustrated the following C.S. Lewis quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”
And for the comic itself:
http://zenpencils.com/comic/103-c-s-lewis-to-love-at-all/
Whew! Powerful stuff.
But on a happier note, I'm allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable. Just a little bit. It's still terrifying. I still hate it. But it also is making me happier. To know that people still love and care for me, even when I am being vulnerable and showing uglier sides of myself. And by being vulnerable with the right people, I actually feel safe. Safer than I was when I kept my heart locked up. And it is slowly making Boise more of my home.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Another Testimony
I bore my testimony in church today. That's a pretty rare occurrence for me. I'm not even sure the last time I did that. I don't think I've done it since moving to Boise. And if that's correct, it looks like the last time I bore my testimony in Sacrament Meeting was June 2012 (I know that because I blogged about it). Oops. I really should do that more often.
I wasn't planning on bearing my testimony today. But the past couple of days, I've been reading some old journals and blog posts that got me thinking and pondering. As I was reading some more blog posts during Sacrament Meeting, I felt prompted to get up and share my own testimony about what I was learning. And while I don't remember exactly what I said, I feel like I need to share the basic gist on here, as well.
While looking through old journal entries and blog posts this week, I came to an interesting insight. I was looking at a time period that I remember being good. Sure, I remember that there were a few hard things going on, but mostly, I remember it being good. But as I looked back and actually read through what I was thinking and feeling, I realized that I was wrong. In my mind at that time, it was the complete opposite of how I remember it now. Sure, there were good moments and tender mercies, but overall, it was TERRIBLE. I was so stressed and overwhelmed, and most of all, I was SO bitter and angry at myself and at God. I hated myself and what I was going through. I didn't think I could continue on. And the hardest thing was that I didn't understand how I could be going through such hard difficulties and didn't understand why God would be doing this to me. I felt lost, hurt, and abandoned.
That was a little shocking for me to see. (I guess that's partly the importance of writing in a journal so you can look back at these times and truly remember.) But what was interesting to me now, is being able to see how things had turned out. If I hadn't had certain trials or experiences that were so difficult at the time, I wouldn't be where I am today. Heavenly Father was able to use those experiences to help me to become more like Him. And now, with the perspective that I have, I can be grateful for them. And I can be grateful for recording them so I can see my growth. And now I can rely on past experiences and my past testimony to continue to strengthen me during the hard times I am experiencing and will continue to experience.
I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that He cares and would do anything for us. We've just got to turn and let Him help. He is there. I know He lives. I know He sent His Son so that He can succor us in our times of need. His love for us is unconditional and incomprehensible. I KNOW. And I will continue to cling to that knowledge for the rest of my life, living in a way so that when I return to Him, He will say, "Well, done, thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of thy lord."
I wasn't planning on bearing my testimony today. But the past couple of days, I've been reading some old journals and blog posts that got me thinking and pondering. As I was reading some more blog posts during Sacrament Meeting, I felt prompted to get up and share my own testimony about what I was learning. And while I don't remember exactly what I said, I feel like I need to share the basic gist on here, as well.
While looking through old journal entries and blog posts this week, I came to an interesting insight. I was looking at a time period that I remember being good. Sure, I remember that there were a few hard things going on, but mostly, I remember it being good. But as I looked back and actually read through what I was thinking and feeling, I realized that I was wrong. In my mind at that time, it was the complete opposite of how I remember it now. Sure, there were good moments and tender mercies, but overall, it was TERRIBLE. I was so stressed and overwhelmed, and most of all, I was SO bitter and angry at myself and at God. I hated myself and what I was going through. I didn't think I could continue on. And the hardest thing was that I didn't understand how I could be going through such hard difficulties and didn't understand why God would be doing this to me. I felt lost, hurt, and abandoned.
That was a little shocking for me to see. (I guess that's partly the importance of writing in a journal so you can look back at these times and truly remember.) But what was interesting to me now, is being able to see how things had turned out. If I hadn't had certain trials or experiences that were so difficult at the time, I wouldn't be where I am today. Heavenly Father was able to use those experiences to help me to become more like Him. And now, with the perspective that I have, I can be grateful for them. And I can be grateful for recording them so I can see my growth. And now I can rely on past experiences and my past testimony to continue to strengthen me during the hard times I am experiencing and will continue to experience.
I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father. I know that He cares and would do anything for us. We've just got to turn and let Him help. He is there. I know He lives. I know He sent His Son so that He can succor us in our times of need. His love for us is unconditional and incomprehensible. I KNOW. And I will continue to cling to that knowledge for the rest of my life, living in a way so that when I return to Him, He will say, "Well, done, thou good and faithful servant...enter thou into the joy of thy lord."
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