Externally Motivated

I've recently realized how externally motivated I am.

I mean, I realized this about myself before. Some roommates and I had sticker charts during my last year in grad school for things we were working on. I once told my friend Meagan (who is a massage therapist) that she couldn't give me a massage that weekend if I didn't work out every day that week (and you better believe I did end up working out every day that week). I completed an Ironman in a Month challenge because if you completed it, you were entered into a drawing for prizes. But even with all these examples, I never really owned how externally motivated I am, because we should do things just because they're supposed to be done, right? Sticker charts are for children being potty-trained, not late 20-somethings who are just kind of lazy.

Enter Habitica. I had heard about this app a bit before, but finally downloaded it last Sunday. And guys, I'm in love. It's a website and app where you can "gamify" your life and get rewarded for completing habits, daily items, and to-dos. Your character gets better and stronger and earns more rewards the more you do....but if you don't do things, the character's health decreases and you can lose the progress you've made in the game. You can also join quests with your friends to hold yourself even more accountable, because if you're on a quest and miss a daily, everybody on your team takes a hit. I'm super impressed with how involved this website and app are. And they're totally free! You can subscribe for a certain amount a month for extra features, though I'm finding that the free version is meeting my needs right now. If you think you'd find this helpful, I'd encourage you to check it out. I know I've been a lot more productive this last week than I normally am and I really hope to keep that motivation going.

End of PSA.

In other news...

This winter was rough. (Hence not much blogging.) We set all sorts of records for snow. I had to get snow tires. (Which I got off yesterday! Hooray!) It was hard constantly seeing snow on the ground all the time, constantly having to watch for ice, and never feeling warm enough when I was outside. I even ran away for a long weekend to North Carolina to see some friends because it was warmer there. (It ended up not being super warm a couple of the days, but there wasn't snow on the ground, so that was a win.) And, of course, it being dark on the way to and from work is never fun. Now that the weather is getting better (and Daylight Savings Time is here!), I feel my mood rapidly improving overall, so that's happy. I don't think I realized how much the weather was impacting me mentally and emotionally.

Life is settling down as it doesn't feel as in flux as it has been. I didn't get a job in Utah that I applied for, which really helped me to throw myself more into really making here home, including spending more time with friends and activities and not just staying home doing nothing. I'm still in my current apartment...partly because there really aren't too many cheaper options for similar apartments and partly (mainly) because moving is a pain. I really like my apartment, just not the management. However, they haven't caused any issues lately, so I can't complain.  I am now month-to-month, so I can leave if I decide to. I'm trying to move forward in various goals. A friend tutored me a bit on my sewing machine. I'm doing some mending, but then hope to maybe start working on some of my 101 list sewing goals. I'm taking another calligraphy class (this time, it's copperplate, and it's been a lot harder for me than the other scripts, but it's really pretty). Galloway has started up again and I'm a pace group leader this season. I'm training for my first half marathon at the end of April and then doing another a half marathon outside of Glacier National Park in June. Got a PR on a 10K yesterday. Lots of good things happening. Both I and my Habitica character are progressing. :-)

Carrots, eggs, and coffee beans

Have you ever heard of the story of the carrots, the eggs, and the coffee beans? (Story taken from here, but there are many other places with it posted.  I'll summarize here.)

The story goes that a woman is really struggling. She goes to her mother and talks about how hard things are and how she just wants to give up. Her mother takes her to the kitchen and fills three pots with water. In one, she puts carrots. In the second, she puts eggs. And in the third, she puts coffee beans. Without a word, her mother just lets them boil. After a while, she turned off the burners and took out the food. She put the carrots in a bowl, the eggs in another, and the coffee in the last.  

"What do you see?" The mother asked her daughter. 

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee." 

The woman's mother brought her closer and asked her to examine the things in each bowl. The carrots were now soft. She broke the shell off an egg and noticed how hard it had become. And she sipped the coffee, loving the rich taste and aroma.

After making these observations, the daughter asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother smiled and explained that each of the objects faced the same adversity but reacted differently. The carrots, which had started out hard and unrelenting, became softened and weak. The eggs, which had once been fragile, with just a thin shell protecting the liquid interiors, became hardened. But the coffee beans were unique...they changed the water and became something else entirely. 

The story goes on to ask... which are you? When adversity comes, are you more like carrots, eggs, or coffee beans?

I remember when I first heard this story many years ago. I remembered wanting to be the coffee beans. (Though in my mind, sometimes I switched the coffee beans to hot chocolate mix. Because hot chocolate is much better. And I didn't want to be coffee... but I could be on board with being hot chocolate.) I wanted to make the best of my situation by transforming it and becoming even better in the process. But I realized that I sometimes acted more like the carrots, becoming weak and losing my strength, and thinking myself incapable of fixing anything.

However, I came to the realization this week that I've changed from the carrots to the eggs. With various things that have happened in the past few years, I've become quite hardened. I feel like I started out soft and yielding, with so much potential, much like the egg yolk and whites inside the shell. But I've let hard circumstances make me hard as well. I've become a bit bitter and tough. And that hardness is interfering with my ability to connect with others and with God.

This is a tough realization to come to. I was sitting in my therapist's office, crying, realizing how hard my heart had become, and my therapist pointed out, "Insight can only take you so far." He said that because this was something we'd been dancing around in therapy, but I really haven't done anything to change that part of me. It feels too big, too hard to change. And he knew that he couldn't push me until I was ready. So now comes the time to ask what I'm going to do with that insight. Am I going to try once again to become coffee beans/hot chocolate mix? Or will I just stay an egg, letting nothing get past my hard heart/exterior, good or bad?

As I was thinking about this and studying it more, I came across a conference talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. He explains:

"The heart is a synonym for one’s entire makeup. We often use phrases about the heart to describe the total person. Thus, we describe people as being “big-hearted” or “goodhearted” or having a “heart of gold.” Or we speak of people with faint hearts, wise hearts, pure hearts, willing hearts, deceitful hearts, conniving hearts, courageous hearts, cold hearts, hearts of stone, or selfish hearts.  The measure of our hearts is the measure of our total performance."

So... having a hard heart isn't something I want. I don't want to ever be described as hard. I want to be described as "big-hearted" or "having a heart of gold." I feel like that my softer and kinder nature is what drew me to my profession, and so those would be amazing compliments to me. But I know I'm not coming across that way to people now, and I'm definitely not coming across that way to God. As we think in spiritual terms, a soft heart is one that will listen to God. The "thy will be done" is something I've struggled with a lot of my life, but even more so lately. I've been quite mad at God for the situations I feel that I'm in. I've stopped really working on that relationship with Him. My will wasn't happening, but I didn't want to go to His will. And honestly, I'm still not sure if I want to switch to His plan. Faith is hard. I don't see His plan. I have no idea what it is. And ultimately, I am choosing to follow God's plan, I'm just not going super willingly. Should I really keep trying to "kick against the pricks"? All that does is hurt me more. But my hard heart isn't just keeping God out. I'm isolating myself from others around me.

In a conference talk from April 2008, by Elder Gerald N. Lund. He said,

"Early in our lives, we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to. In some cases the fence we erect around our hearts could be likened to a small picket fence with a Welcome sign on the gate. Other hearts have been so hurt or so deadened by sin that they have an eight-foot (2.5-m) chain-link fence topped with razor wire around them. The gate is padlocked and has a large No Trespassing sign on it."

Even before these more recent trials, I struggled with letting people get close to me. I'm really good at keeping people out. But I've let these trials make my walls even higher, with even more locks, so I'm continuing to block people out... people that could help me. Love me. Be there for me. I'm not letting myself build friendships and connections. I can't fully connect with my clients when I'm often trying so hard to keep people out and not deal with my own emotions and situations. With these walls, I end up isolating myself more, becoming even harder and even more impenetrable.

So the question remains... what am I going to do to change this? It's great that I have the insight, but nothing is going to change unless I do. So I'm going to work towards changing from being an egg to being coffee beans/hot chocolate mix. It's not going to be easy. It's taken me a while to become this hard, so it's going to take a while to soften, as well. But I do believe that it's possible. And maybe, one day, I can become that truly amazing cup of coffee/hot chocolate, transformed into something so much better than I was originally.

I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.

Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

via

And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

via

I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

via

I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me. 

More 101 List Things (AKA: I really should update my blog more often)

Besides my traditional year-in-review posts, the last time I posted something on my blog was back in September...and that was reviewing the whole summer, because the time I posted before that was in April. Whoops.

So, at least this means I have a list of things I've accomplished on my 101 list since then. I promise I am doing things with my life, guys. In no particular order, I...:

• went on the Thunder Mountain Railroad. (That was back in September. It was a fun experience. Yummy food and beautiful scenery.)
• did glass blowing at Idaho Art Glass. (I made a vase that is now sitting on my kitchen table. I think I now want to make paper flowers to fill it with.)
• voted in person. (in the November elections)
• read Daughters of My Kingdom.
• participated in sealing by proxy. (I was able to do this in Brazil with my parents when we were visiting them, which was really neat. Even though the ordinances were in Portuguese and I didn't know exactly what was being said. Maybe I need to do it in English sometime. Haha.)
• visited Brazil! (Got to go with my siblings for Christmas. It was lovely. Minus the lots of flying to get there and back.)
• went to a NaNo write in. (I went to a write-in and the Bishop's House in Boise, and it was really beautiful. They were setting it up for Christmas and I just hid myself away in a room where Santa would be, and got to write in the glow of the Christmas lights. I didn't sit in Santa's chair, though. That would have been disrespectful. Haha.)
• did a session in a temple that I haven't before. (Went to the Jordan River temple and did a session the last day it was open before it closed for extensive renovations.)
• went to a temple open house. (Went to the Provo City Center Open House. SOOO beautiful! I definitely want to go back and do a session once it's dedicated.)
• followed a meal plan for a week. (Did it, but now I'm bad about continuing to do that.)
• drank a gallon of water a day for two weeks. (Same as the meal plan. Bad at continuing to follow-through.)
• bought a pair of boots. (Granted, they were from DI. But I bought them and I wear them. I am debating buying a new pair, though, which I think is what I meant when I made this goal. But it's hard to find boots I'd actually wear!)

In other news, I'm staying really busy with work and things. I have something going on pretty much every night after work. (Monday is home evening, Tuesday is temple night, Wednesday is institute, Thursday is calligraphy class, and Friday has generally become girls night.) I'm trying to be social. I started online dating, but that's really not going anywhere (which I'm ok with for now). I really started online dating to try to get used to talking to normal guys again (because I feel like I lost that skill since leaving BYU). But all of this is keeping me busy and rather tired. I know I need to get into more of a regular exercise routine again, but it is hard for me when I'm so busy after work, and it's hard enough getting myself out of bed for work... I don't know if I can get up even earlier to work out. I do need to figure it out. 

But life is pretty good. I'm trying to refocus and re-calibrate, especially after a breakthrough I had earlier this week in therapy. (And seriously guys, maybe you won't take this advice seriously since I'm a therapist myself and you think that I have to say this...but therapy is awesome and everybody should do it.) Still trying to figure out exactly how to follow-through though. But it'll happen. Slowly, but surely, I'm making it happen.

Home and Trusting in the Lord

A couple of weekends ago, I was able to go to Provo and see my parents one last time before they left to go to Brazil to serve for three years as mission president and companion. I was able to be in the presence of an apostle of the Lord as they were set apart, which was a really neat experience. It has been weird to come to terms that my parents aren't going to be around physically for the next few years. (Though I do hope to visit them at Christmas.) I must say, I am very grateful for technology... even though they're over 6000 miles away from me, it can seem like they're just still in California if I don't think too hard about it. I've already been able to talk to my mom on the phone, and I've been able to e-mail both my parents and get pretty fast responses. So even though they are much farther away physically than before, they certainly don't have to feel that far away if I need them. :-)

Anyways, with them being gone, and with some other random things going on in my life, I've been thinking a lot about home again. I ended up thinking about it even more when I realized that I hadn't printed out a particular old blog post and put it in my journal like I normally do. So I went to look it up and print it out. I almost laughed when I read through it and realized the topic and found that so much of it still resonated with me. (For reference, it was this blog post.)

Since I wrote that blog post, Boise really come to feel like home, in no small part due to my roommate, Karen. But with some things going on, and with Boise starting to feel a bit temporary again, I don't know how everything is going to play out. I hate being in limbo and I just wish I knew the answers now. But as my dad told me in an e-mail today:

I think that the Lord will make it clear for you and the way will open up.  Remember my trials with the opportunities that seemed to make so much sense, but never really happened even to the point of having us to have to pray for it?  None of it made sense at the time.  I had three CEOs wanting to hire me, but for one reason or another, in all three cases, things were "on hold"........even though they REALLY wanted me to start.

God knew what needed to happen.  I just had to be patient and hang in there.  I was clueless as to what was getting set up to happen.  But, God opened the way and now, here we are.

You have a ton of faith in Him.  He will help you move in the right direction.  Just stay committed to that and don't worry (I know............that is easy for me to say). 

So basically...I need to keep trusting in the Lord. No job opportunities worked out for my dad when by all reasonable accounts, they should have. So instead, he was able to work on a bunch of things he wanted to do (including opening up a pharmacy with my cousin) and now he's able to serve the Lord full-time. But trusting in the Lord is a constant battle for me. It's talked about in EVERY father's blessing I've gotten for at least the past couple of years and I guess it's a lesson I still need to learn. 

It will work out. It will. I just need to keep doing my part. And for now, that's continuing to make sure Boise is home for me (at least for now) and make sure I'm open to His promptings if things do need to change. For He truly knows best.

Vulnerability- a comic

So much blogging this week! Hopefully you're not sick of me.

Vulnerability is a hot topic for me and something I've been thinking a lot about. But for a while, I was avoiding thinking about it, to the point that I checked out Brene Brown's Daring Greatly twice, and each time I returned it to the library without reading it. (Still need to check it out again... and read it this time.)

But I know I wasn't as happy as I could be. By closing myself off, I wasn't happy. I wasn't fulfilled. And I think that's partly why I had such a bad year in 2013. I separated myself. Didn't allow others in. Which kept m heart safe, but totally and utterly deflated. So when I found this comic a while ago, I knew it was something I wanted to share. But since I wasn't in the best place emotionally, I still didn't really want to think about it. I didn't want to consider its impact on me.

The guy illustrated the following C.S. Lewis quote:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

And for the comic itself:
http://zenpencils.com/comic/103-c-s-lewis-to-love-at-all/

Whew! Powerful stuff.

But on a happier note, I'm allowing myself to be a bit more vulnerable. Just a little bit. It's still terrifying. I still hate it. But it also is making me happier. To know that people still love and care for me, even when I am being vulnerable and showing uglier sides of myself. And by being vulnerable with the right people, I actually feel safe. Safer than I was when I kept my heart locked up. And it is slowly making Boise more of my home.

McCall Winter Carnival (and my need for alone time)

This weekend, I went with some friends (Karen, Leslee, and Michelle) to the McCall Winter Carnival. We stayed at Leslee's sister-in-law's family cabin in Cascade on Friday and Saturday night. Friday night, we just settled in and hung out. On Saturday, we went to McCall to check out the parade, ice sculptures, and booths.

(The Great Wall of China... McCall style!)

We didn't get to see all the ice sculptures, since it was really crowded and rather spread out. But there were some neat ones that we saw. Like this one. And a pyramid. And a pretty adorable abominable snowman. We had a really late lunch at the delicious Pancake House. (They have cinnamon rolls the size of a dinner plate!) Mmm. Then we headed back and took naps because we were all so tired. (None of us had slept particularly well Friday night.) Saturday night, Karen and I escaped to the Gold Fork Hot Springs. It was really nice, though a bit hard to see since it was so steamy and crowded. But the stargazing was AMAZING! Seriously. Sunday, Karen and I went to Sacrament Meeting at the Cascade Branch. Everybody there was really nice. Then we just kind of hung out at the cabin until we headed back to Boise.

Super brief summary of the weekend, I know. It was a good weekend. Nice escape. I just don't know what other details to fill in.

But what this weekend really helped me to discover how much I need alone time. I definitely identify as an introvert, but I guess I'm generally able to get quite a bit of alone time that I haven't really noticed, even if it's journaling or reading alone in my room before I go to bed or eating a bowl of cereal by myself in the morning. I didn't get really any alone time this weekend, as all four of us slept in the same room and we all came in the same car. Plus, no matter where we went (ice sculptures, eating, church, at the cabin, etc.), we were SURROUNDED by other people. There was no real place to escape to and be by myself. Which isn't a bad thing inherently. (I do like having friends.) But it was a bit rough for me. And I didn't realize how hard it was until we got back to Boise and I went to a stake fireside last night. I felt myself getting antsier and antsier and when refreshment time hit, I really couldn't stick around. I dashed out to my car and went home.

So work today was also a bit rough, since I still haven't really recovered (from lack of alone time and from lack of sleep). And in my job, I'm around other people quite a bit. I was able to keep it together okay at work, but then when some things went wrong after work, it was a bit harder to deal with. Simple things I normally would just shrug off almost sent my anxiety levels through the roof.

But after home evening, I was able to come home and be alone and listen to my "Ocean Waves" Pandora station. So I think I'm mainly recovered. And now it's time for bed. (I'm definitely still not caught up from my lack of sleep. But that's okay, right? I'm having fun and making memories.)

Home

I hit my year anniversary of working at my job today. This year has seriously gone by so fast looking back at it... but I know when I was going through it, some parts felt like forever.

As I was approaching this year mark, I've become more contemplative about "home." I know I've addressed this a bit before in at least a few other blog posts, but since I've been thinking about it, I've decided to become even more contemplative and write about it. And so you get to read about it!  :-)

Home. I'm not entirely sure where my home is. My parents don't live where I grew up anymore. Plus, they're going to be moving once again next summer (this time possibly to another country) for three years, so wherever they end up will obviously not be home. And Provo isn't home anymore, but Boise isn't quite yet home, either.

Boise is starting to feel a bit more like home, though. Just the fact that I've officially been here for over a year now helps with that feeling. But a big turning point for me was visiting Provo the last few times. As much as I always love seeing my old roommates and occasionally a couple of other friends, it's also been hard. I think it's sometimes easy to forget that when you leave a place, the people there keep living their lives. So when I go back, there are inside jokes I don't know. Experiences I haven't shared. Relationships that I'm not a part of. Which is fine, because that's life. I've continued to live my life separately, as well. But that doesn't make it any easier to come to that realization.

But Boise still doesn't feel completely like home. Part of me still feels like Provo is. Which, when you think about it, does make sense. I lived in Provo longer than I lived anywhere else in my life (yes... I did move around quite a bit growing up). But as I thought about it more, it doesn't make complete sense. For the majority of the time that I was there, I was so excited to leave Provo as soon as I graduated. But that changed once I really made Provo my home.

What made Provo become home? It was when I finally stopped running and moving from place to place every 4 or 8 months. I told people that I moved a lot because I liked new experiences and meeting new people, which was true. But deep down, the whole truth was that I was scared. I was scared of staying in one place for a long enough amount of time to build deeper friendships, because I had deeper friendships in the past that didn't end well. So I didn't get close to people. I didn't let myself get vulnerable. I was great at making superficial relationships and then moving on... to a new apartment complex, a new ward, and new superficial friends.

This isn't to say that I didn't make friends in those first 4 years in Provo. I definitely did. But how many do I stay in real contact with? Very few... even people I was roommates with. I can seriously count those deeper friendships on one hand (possibly just a couple of fingers).

But then one evening in late June 2011, I made the fateful decision to move in with some girls from the ward I was currently in. These girls made Provo become home to me. It wasn't easy at first. For the next couple of months before I officially moved in, I was freaking out quite a bit (internally, of course). I had never before lived with people that I knew before I moved in with them. Up until that point, I had never pushed myself to make friendships become deeper, though a few had developed naturally. But I knew I was supposed to move in with them, and whether I wanted to or not, I opened up. I developed deep friendships with those girls. Shared parts of myself I normally kept hidden. They pushed me and I grew in ways I never would have if I hadn't chosen to live with them.

So why isn't Boise home? I haven't taken those same risks. I've grown and stretched a ton at work due to my responsibilities there.  I'm better at standing up for myself and others. I'm better at making decisions (well...sometimes). I'm better at being blunt when I have to be. I'm better at prioritizing and getting stuff done. I'm better at being part of a team to accomplish the work we've been charged with. But I haven't grown as much personally because I haven't opened up. Because I haven't let myself be vulnerable. Because I haven't risked.

So where is home? Home is where the heart is... but it's also where you make it. Homes aren't made magically. To have someplace become a home, it requires work. When I evaluate myself honestly, I haven't done enough work to make Boise become home. I need to start taking the steps to change that, because I know I'm happier when I live in a place I can call home. So even though I'm sometimes tempted to throw in the towel and move away (to another new place, job, or opportunity...especially when there are jobs I hear about in cool places that I could likely get), I'll keep pushing forward... at least for another year until I get licensed. (Having to deal with transferring hours to yet another state would be a PAIN). And maybe by that point I won't want to leave, because it's truly become home.

Dates, 5K, Movies, and Other Updates

I feel like this blog has just become my 101 list update blog.  And you pretty much only get an update once a month.  Sorry if that's getting boring.  But here we go anyways.

I was finally able to check off "Go on a date with at least 10 different boys from 10 different states." I was a bit afraid that I wasn't going to be able to do it once I moved to Boise.  I had 9/10 dates in Provo, and it's a bit harder to find non-Idahoans in Boise than it was to find non-Utahans in Provo. But I got set up on a blind date this week and was rather happy to find out that the guy was from a state that I hadn't been on a date with yet.  So I ended up going on a date with guys from California, Louisiana, Idaho, Oregon, Missouri, Texas, Virginia, Colorado, Utah, and Maryland.  I kind of wish I had kept track of where guys I went on dates were from before my 101 list.  Most of the guys I've been on dates from were from more "common" states, but I'm pretty sure that I went on a date with a guy from Alaska during my freshman year of college.  I may have to go back to that journal and verify that.  And then maybe create a sticker chart for it, because sticker charts are awesome and motivating.  (And it's always nice to be able to get a sticker even if the date wasn't all that great.)

Yesterday, I ran the Color Me Rad race, so I was able to check off "run a 5K" from my list. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that they lied on the length.  I think it was only somewhere between 2 and 2.5 miles.  If you say something is a 5K, make it a 5K!  But I did run the whole thing (and by run, I mean I didn't walk any of it).  But since it was advertised as a 5K and I prepared for a 5K, I'm counting it.  I may try to run a real one later, though. Anyways, here's a before/after picture for you amusement.  (I'm a bit sad that I didn't get more color on those awesome white capris I found at Deseret Industries.  I bought them specifically for the race.  But now I think I'll just save them for a future tye-dye project.)

Also yesterday, I finished my goal to, "Watch 50 movies I haven't seen before (recommended either by friends or critics)."  (Which, if we're being honest, ended up just being watching 50 movies.  Because I'm sure one of my friends or some critic somewhere liked it.)  The list of movies, for those who are interested (don't judge me if you do choose to look over this list):
Spellbound; The Muppets; The Vow; Forever Strong; Paycheck; Mission: Impossible—Ghost Protocal; In Time; Iron Man; Iron Man 2; Thor; Sliding Doors; Captain America; Court Jester; The Avengers; Lockout; The Three Musketeers; Mirror, Mirror; The Lucky One; Shakespeare in Love (edited); Jurassic Park; Heart and Souls; Nora’s Will (edited); Pretty Woman (edited); Snow White and the Huntsman; Total Recall; Brave; Premium Rush; Stranger than Fiction; Breaking Dawn: Part 1; Breaking Dawn: Part 2; Wreck-it Ralph; Pitch Perfect; Gulliver’s Travels; The Perks of Being a Wallflower; Get Smart; Saint; Oz; Wit; Jack the Giant Slayer; Lincoln; The Host; Torn Curtain; Persuasion; Iron Man 3; The Amazing Spiderman; The Croods: Adventures in Babysitting; Warm Bodies; 42; Oblivion.

In other news, I won stuff this week!  I won a t-shirt from the Color Me Rad race because I changed my profile picture on Facebook to their logo and commented on a post and they selected me as a winner.  And I got a $10 gift card in the mail to Google Play for a Samsung contest that I forgot that I entered.  Score.

I was also feeling liked I needed a change, so I did a slight makeover. And by makeover, I mean I got a haircut.  (And they added a gloss that was supposed to make my hair look richer... I don't know if I can tell a difference on that part.) It ended up being shorter than I expected (I always seem to forget how much my hair naturally curls up), and I'm still adjusting to it.  But I think I like it.  The picture on the left was how I looked when I left the salon.  The picture on the right was of me today, without having styled my hair at all.  Which, if we're being honest, is how I'll be looking most of the time.  I think I like this particular cut better when it's straight, but I don't own a straightener.  Or a curling iron, for that matter.  And if we're being completely honest, I don't have the sort of motivation, time, and energy to style my hair.  (Because in the war between hair and sleep, sleep always wins.)

And I guess it's time to get a bit more real.  Sundays are hard for me.  Probably one my least favorite days of the week.  Which is ridiculous, because Sundays are supposed to be wonderful and restful and uplifting.  But I've overall really struggled with Sundays since coming to Boise.  On top of just knowing that the weekend is almost over and that I have to go back to work the next day, I miss my ward and friends in Provo.  I feel so much pressure from my calling whenever I go to church.  I feel disconnected.  I don't always feel the Spirit.  More often than not, I seem to have to force myself to go to church and then force myself to stay.  I know I need to change my attitude and do some things differently, but it is hard, especially when Boise does still feel temporary for some reason.  But there were some tender mercies today.  Like the girl sitting next to me in Sacrament meeting asking to borrow my program, and giving it back to me with a sweet note telling me I was beautiful.  That did lift my spirit for a bit.  But by the time I went to the chapel for the The Work of Salvation: Worldwide Leadership Training Broadcast (again, forcing myself to stay), I was feeling down. That feeling only intensified when they kept talking about missions and showing the MTC choir and video clips showing full-time missionaries.  When I was making the decision last summer about what to do in my life, for the first time ever, I considered serving a full-time mission.  I even met with my bishop to discuss starting my papers.  But I wasn't getting a feeling like it was definitely what I should do and I decided to pursue starting my career instead. Shortly thereafter, things fell into place for my job and the move to Boise.  I've been very blessed. But two days after I made the decision to take the job, move, and start my career, the historic announcement to lower the missionary age came.  Missionary work started being on everybody's minds.  But I moved forward with my decision.  There have been many times since then that I wondered if I made the right choice.  Besides just wondering if I should have stayed in Provo and taken the other job I was offered, I also kept wondering if I should I have chosen to serve a mission. This feeling has only intensified as I read updates from my friends on missions every week, see my friends home from their missions talk to their investigators on Facebook and hear stories about how their missions has blessed their lives, listen to talks about missionaries in General Conference, and then this broadcast.  I was really wondering if I made a mistake in deciding to stay.  Am I being selfish in choosing to not go?  And, to be honest, I sometimes feel a bit of social pressure like I should have gone.  Not coming from the church itself... they've made it very clear that it's up to the individual sister.  But with I almost feel like there's some peer pressure from all the girls going and from the guys who now seem to expect girls to serve missions.  Maybe that's all in my head, but sometimes it does seem like the sisters going on missions look down on those of us who haven chosen differently.  And on some dates, I've been asked if I served a mission and the implied response seems to be a judgmental, "Why not?" when I tell them I haven't.  I do worry about my future children not getting as much as they can from me because I didn't have the experience of serving a mission.  I even worry about myself not growing the way that I should... I know how much I learned and grew from being an EFY counselor last summer.  That was like a mini-mission in a way.  A mission would be that times a thousand and I could only see it blessing me and my future family and whoever I come in contact with.  I know those aren't great reasons to serve a mission, but that's how I was feeling for the first half hour or so of the broadcast.  But then, they had an amazing musical number with a video attached.  Click here to see the broadcast, and the song/video starts around 37:45 or so.  For those of you who choose not to watch it (though you really should), it's a choir singing, "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go."  Which is traditionally, a missionary song, at least in my mind.  But the video depicted a family going about in their daily lives, touching those around them and being member missionaries in their own way.  

That video was an answer to a prayer I didn't even realize I had.  And I know I will likely still have some doubts about whether I'm supposed to be here.  (I seem to have doubts a lot... I'm trying to replace my fear with faith, though.  It's a work in progress.)  But for now, for me, the call to "Go Where You Want Me to Go" is more like "I'll Stay Where You Want Me to Stay."  I need to bloom where I'm planted.  I'm in Boise for a reason and I need to make the most of it and touch the lives of those I meet here, and not wonder "what if."  I'm trying to stay close to the Lord and if I do, He will not lead me astray.

Visit to Provo

I was able to go visit Provo last weekend. It was lovely.

When I was really struggling in January, I knew that I needed something to look forward to. I thought a getaway to Provo could be nice, and realized that I had the President's Day holiday coming, and I also hadn't used my MLK holiday. So I made plans to leave Friday and come back Tuesday and not have to take any vacation time (which is nice, since I don't have much built up yet). And despite several things popping up that made me feel like maybe I should stay in Boise, I went to Provo anyways. And I'm really glad that I did, since I'm not sure when I'll next be able to do that.

It was so nice to be carefree for a few days. To not be bogged down with the craziness that is work. To sleep in. To see friends and family, both in Provo, as well as on my drive there and back. To go to the MOA and see an awesome exhibit called We Could Be Heroes (and absolutely loving "Snowy" from the Fallen Princesses series by Dina Goldstein). To eat yummy food and not have to worry about cooking. To go and see a BYU game (and get a picture with Cosmo).



However, when I was in Provo, I realized that Provo still felt more like home than Boise does. I'm not entirely sure why, but I realized that it may be because Boise feels temporary for some reason. Which is ridiculous. I plan on being in Boise for at least 2 years so I can get my licensure. (It would be an incredible pain to move mid-licensure... it was a pain even getting my initial license in Idaho so I could start counting my hours, even though I was already licensed in Utah). And it would be silly to stop my job after the two years, since my job is so secure. There's lots of variety and things to do and things to learn, and I have a comfortable income from it. So I'm trying hard to make Boise feel like home. I'm throwing myself into things as much as possible. I have something after work every day Monday-Thursday, and then I generally have things Friday and Saturday. And, of course, there's church and all that comes with that on Sundays. But it still feels temporary.

As I was thinking about it more though, I wondered if it maybe feels temporary because that's what I'm used to in my life. Up until this point, everything's been temporary, and I've grown to actually like the constant change. I'm actually comfortable with it. From elementary to high school, every year is different, with new classes, new teachers, new students, and new activities. I even moved with my family a several different times growing up, which brought even more change. Things became even more temporary in college, when every semester (every four months) brought more changes. Along with the new classes, new teachers, and new activities, even more changes were happening. Friends would get married or get jobs and move away. I'd move around Provo, which brought new wards, new friends, and new interactions. Or even if I stayed, others moved in and out around me. Once I graduated last year, I was still used to things being temporary, as I went from one adventure to the next, from vacation to vacation, and EFY to EFY.

But now, I'm in Boise. And there aren't any changes happening in the foreseeable future. Even though I've now been here for four months, I'm not in school anymore, so no new classes to look forward to. No new teachers. No new wards. No new jobs. No new activities. No fresh start. Part of me wishes that there were, though. I'm used to living in a temporary space. It's comfortable for me. But we're not supposed to be comfortable, are we? When we're uncomfortable, we're more likely to grow and progress. So maybe I'm now supposed to learn to not live with constant changes. This is going to be hard. But hopefully it will also stretch me and become a learning and growing experience for me.

Good Things to Come

I try really hard to be positive in my social media. To focus on all the good things going on in my life in my Facebook statuses and blog posts. I tend to choose not to post things when I'm in bad moods. Because really, my life is great. I have been so blessed. And if I focus on the positive things more, than hopefully I can ignore the not-so-great stuff and move on with my life to even more positive things.

But this post is going to not be quite as positive and happy. It's not going to be easy to write, but I do feel the need to be vulnerable right now, even though part of me is yelling at me to close myself off instead of opening up. This post is going to be more realistic, though hopefully still at least a bit positive.

This move has been HARD. Really, really, really hard. Which makes me feel silly, because nothing is really wrong. Especially when I look around at others who have to go through things that I could never imagine going through, complaining about how hard it's been to move seems silly. I've been so blessed. I'm here because I got offered a great job in my chosen field of work at a great organization, making a competitive wage. On top of having a good job, I've made some good friends already and have had some great experiences. But for some reason, moving truly has been difficult in a lot of ways and I don't think I fully understood how hard it'd be when I decided to move. I had moved around plenty before. But it was always with my family or around Provo, where I always had a support network. This time, I moved to a place that I had absolutely no connection. To move to do a job I had never done, to try to make friends with people that I had never met before and had no connection to. I had to completely give up my life in Provo. I also had to give up the life I thought I'd have there, which I think is harder in some ways than giving up the life I was actually leading. To start to feel disconnected from my friends in Provo, to see them moving on with their lives and seeming to forget me so easily. I had to completely start fresh, which was really nice in some ways, but really hard in others.

This last week has been especially hard for some reason. I think coming back from Christmas was difficult and that's what triggered some of this. I just wanted to go back "home" to Provo... not "home" to Boise. (And it wasn't super pleasant to come back to it snowing, either.) But I've been feeling like I'm not making a difference at work, since I'm not seeing any real tangible difference in the lives of those I work with. I feel like I'm literally banging my head against the wall sometimes when I'm working with them and I just don't know what to do to get through to them and help them. And since I haven't really been opening up to others, I feel alone. I've been really drained physically and emotionally. I haven't been feeling super close to my Heavenly Father and I've been wondering why on earth I'm in Boise, instead of still in Provo. I felt so much peace about moving here, but it's been hard to trust in that, when I just don't get why I'm here. When I'm not seeing a difference I'm making here. When I haven't started dating some great guy (and in fact, haven't really even met any guys that I'd be interested in dating). When I'm still fumbling to find my way around town. And part of me is just looking towards the rest of my life, wondering if I can really do it. It's not really fun feeling that overwhelming sense of hopelessness, where you just want to cry and not deal with life anymore. Tears have been so close to the surface this week. (Which is really saying something for me, since I'm generally pretty good about forcing those away.)

That's led to several sobbing prayers to my Heavenly Father. And it led me to fast today for some peace and comfort and happiness. For hope that I can make it through this hard time, to the other side. To get why I'm here. To have peace and joy and not just fleeting moments of amusement. And in another one of those amazing tender mercies, that was at least partially answered today at church. A big theme in both sacrament meeting and Relief Society seemed to be about trials and it felt like everyone was talking directly to me... and they were, for Heavenly Father was using them to talk to me. Tears kept threatening to spill over as I was reminded, again and again, that it's going to be okay. That Heavenly Father is aware of me and what I'm going through. That even as I'm being refined, which requires me being in the hottest part of the fire, He sits as "a refiner and purifier of silver", which means he is constantly watching me. Never taking his eyes off me. So that He knows when I have been refined enough for Him to be able to see His image on my countenance.

I keep thinking of a quote by Elder Holland, in which he imagines talking to his past self, and he says, "Don’t give up, boy. Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead—a lot of it—30 years of it now, and still counting. You keep your chin up. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come." (source)

I still don't get why I'm here. I know it's likely still going to be difficult. Because even though I am supposed to be here, it doesn't mean that it'll automatically be easy. I know there are some changes that I need to make in my life. But I will keep walking. I will trust in God and believe in good things to come.

Review of 2012, by the Numbers

As much as I don't love math, I kind of like numbers. So, you get another year-in-review post... this time with some numbers that sum up some parts of my past year, in some way or another. (Whew! Lots of sums/somes in that sentence. Sorry about that.) Get excited.

Traveling:
Miles traveled: 22200+
States lived in: 2
States lived in/been in: 12
Countries visited: 4 (5 including US)
Plane trips: 7
Amusement parks visited: 6

School and Work:
Degrees earned: 1
Licensing tests taken (and passed): 2
EFY sessions worked: 6
Jobs held: 4
Jobs applied for when looking for my full-time job: 30+
Interviews attended when looking for my full-time job: 9

Personal:
Dates went on: 12
Boys I went on dates with this year who are now engaged: 3
Books read: 79
Wards member of: 2
Roommates had: 4
Roommates had including EFY weeks: 18
Plays/musicals/operas attended: 8
Cars test driven: 10
Missionaries written: 20+

Spiritual:
Temples/temple grounds visited: 12
Temple open houses attended: 3
Ensigns read: 12

101 List:
101 list goals completed: 28
101 list goals in progress: 9
Novels written: 1 (definitely had to highlight that out of all the goals I did, because that was awesome)

Lives touched: ?

But these numbers definitely don't paint the full picture that was my life in 2012. 2012 was full of surprises and ups and downs and lots of things happened that I never really would have expected. I never would have guessed that I'd ever live in Idaho, but here I am. Never thought I'd be working for the company I do, but (once again), here I am. I've really had to adjust my life plans in several different ways. I had to grow in ways I never thought I would and that (in some cases), I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. But I have grown and learned a lot. And going over some of these numbers (as well as my previous post, with my Facebook statuses), helps me to remember some of the awesome things I did this year, as some of the harder things I went through. I'm really interested to see what 2013 brings.

My Year in Facebook Statuses- 2012 Edition

(Obligatory end-of-the-year post.)

I saved all my Facebook statuses in a Word Document for the last year, and it was definitely fun for me to review it and remember some of the things that happened this year. Hope you enjoy it, as well.

January
•‎2011 was a great year overall, but I feel like 2012 is going to be my best year yet. It won't be without its challenges, for sure, but it'll be a fantastic year nonetheless. Bring. It. On.
•My body is rebelling against getting back into work and school mode.
•‎15 letters later... I'm finally caught up on writing missionaries! Whew!
•Just got a letter from my 12-year-old self. To whatever teacher made me do that and then kept it for 10 years before mailing it... thank you. That was one of the most hilarious things I've read in a while.
•Sometimes being a therapist is really hard.
•Won the Sunday challenge.

February
•Going to bed just after 10pm. What is WRONG with me? (Oh yeah... I'm exhausted...)
•To all those who have been asking me what I'm doing after graduation, I finally have an answer... I'm going to be an EFY counselor! (Just don't ask what I'm doing after July 21. I still have no idea.)
•Heart-shaped pizzas are cool and all... But it's kind of depressing when you have to cut them up to eat them.
•Just got surprised by one of my best friends, who I haven't seen for almost three years. Definitely made me smile. So fun!
•In honor of Fat Tuesday and giving up desserts for Lent, I am currently eating the world's second greatest gift. And then I'll finish it off with a Krispy Kreme. :-)
•The first EFY counselor training was awesome. I'm getting more and more excited for this summer!
•In case anybody was wondering, roller derbies are AWESOME!
•Just ordered my cap, gown, hood, and announcements. Maybe I will make it to graduation, after all!
•I'm allowed to get excited over my half birthday, since I only get it once every four years. (Happy half birthday to me!)

March
•Sometimes 10:30pm IHOP runs turn into suddenly getting home at 1am and realizing you're not tired anymore. Work tomorrow (today?) is going to be interesting...
•Least favorite Sunday of the year. I hate getting even less sleep than normal.
•How the heck have none of my friends said, "Beware the ides of March" yet today? C'mon people!
•Note to self: Always have good friends around who are good with cars.
•Smoothies and scrabble for a lunch party at work today. (I love my internship.) :-)
•Seeing some of my friends posting about registering for fall classes is weirding me out a little since this is the first time in years I'm not registering for classes. (And I'm not ever registering for classes again...)

April
•Rappelling for class is so much better than having a lecture.
•Passed the ASWB Clinical Exam! (I feel such a huge sense of relief right now.) So when I graduate in two weeks, I not only get my MSW degree, I walk across the stage as a CSW. Bam! :-)
•I'm learning so much about cars by having mine break down. At least I have friends that can educate me and then fix it.
•"The pain of loneliness, disappointment, despair, and heartache is actually carving reservoirs into your soul that will later be filled with joy."
•Just finished my last final ever and I graduate with my MSW next week. (I don't think either fact has truly hit me yet.)
•Just finished my last day at LDS Family Services. I'm going to miss working there so much!
•Dating/marriage advice from Uncle Scott: "Parts for a Corolla are easy to find... parts for a Ferrari are harder." Gotta love family get-togethers (and being graduated)!
•Aaaaaand.... cruise is booked. The Caribbean better be ready for the party Julie and I are going to bring in a month!
•Kansas City BBQ was delicious! And made even better by being with friends. Also, my grades for the last semester are in. I won't quite be graduating with the GPA I want, but I'll still be getting my MSW. I'll take it. A good night thus far, I'd say.
•Back safely in Provo after almost missing my connection and experiencing the most turbulence I've ever had in my life. My time in Kansas was way too short. But... Now I just must let the summer fun continue!
•I feel so smart watching the teen version of Jeopardy. I actually know the answers!

May
•Donated blood for the first time ever today... And I survived. Definitely got rather lightheaded and nauseous, though. Had to have a compress on my head, a fan turned on me, cold water to sip on, and a barf bag nearby just in case. Oops. Oh well.
•Got to play around on a harp today! It was so fun. :-)
•Just saw a bunch of EFY kids getting snow cones during their free time. I'm so excited to be a counselor in a few weeks! Now if only I could just learn the orientation dance. It's way more complicated than I'd like...

June
•Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Grand Cayman, and Orlando were all awesome, but I'm so excited to finally be home and in my own bed! (Though I won't be able to enjoy my own bed for long... EFY starts in just a few days!)
•Happy anniversary to my wonderful and amazing parents. I can only hope one day to have as strong and loving marriage as you two do.
•I love it when Thursday nights at EFY completely make up for all the craziness that happens during the rest of the week. And while I am excited to catch up on some sleep next week during my week off, I'm going to miss this so much.

July
•Convertibles make me so happy. :-)
•Watching fireworks from a rooftop? Yes, please!
•I'm going to miss being an EFY counselor so much. I just want to do this forever. Forget this whole getting a "real job" thing. Haha. ...But seriously.
•While I miss Team Tall Tees, I'm so excited to be with the Midwest team in Kirtland this week! It's going to be fantastic. Sad it's already my last week of EFY, though. Where has the summer gone?
•A ton of girl counselors I'm working with this week have served missions, have their mission calls, or are putting in their papers. I've also interacted with several sister missionaries at church sites we've visited this week and during our EFY service project. During this time, I've realized how much I love hearing their stories of how they decided to serve missions. So to my sister RM friends, or to my girl friends who are preparing to serve or have their calls... What's your story? I'd love to hear it! (Feel free to message it to me if it's too personal to share in a comment.)
•After two awesome days at Cedar Point, Epic Road Trip: Ohio Edition continues... as we head to Nauvoo. :-)
•Home, home, home, home, home! I have to leave in less than 43 hours again, but it's so nice to be back for this brief amount of time. (I'm especially looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for two whole nights!) :-)

August
•I can't believe EFY is over. Those six weeks were some of the craziest, hardest, most emotional, and yet most fulfilling and fun weeks of my life. Thanks to everybody who made it such a great experience!
•Note to self: a dream about forgetting about a test is just as scary when you're out of school as it was when you were in school.
•Truths affirmed this evening: 1. I am a klutz. 2. Tubing is awesome. 3. I bruise way too easily.
•Advantage of my family moving to Orange County? Being able to play at Disneyland for a day when visiting them. — at Downtown Disney.
•"The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.” —Elder Richard G. Scott ("Finding Joy in Life")
•First time since fall 1994 that school has started and I'm not there. Weird. So I instead went to the gym for the first time in three months and somehow survived the hour-long Zumba class (but man, I'm out of shape). Next up on the agenda? Cleaning. Then going out to lunch with a friend. And job searching. And TV watching. And reading. Oh, the life of an unemployed graduate.

September
•Definitely got burned at the game today. Oops. Oh well. It was worth it. :-)
•Well... That was an incredibly hard game to watch. But I'm still proud of my Cougars. Now let's come back stronger next week.
•Regional Conference was wonderful and just what I needed. I'm so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
•Looks like I'll be up in Boise for an interview next week. For those familiar with the area, any suggestions of things to see/do while up there? Keep in mind that I'll also be evaluating Boise as a place to live, so any suggestions/comments geared towards that would also be appreciated.

October
•Anybody have an extra ticket to the BYU game this weekend? My dad's coming into town and it'd be a lot of fun to have him join me!
•After lots of crying, prayer, getting the worst night's sleep since recovering from my jaw surgery over 4 years ago, and more crying and prayer... I made a major life-changing decision. I have accepted a job position Boise and Nampa (Idaho). My head is still reeling from all of this. I'm really going to miss Provo and the people in it. It's been home for over 5 years... The longest I've lived anywhere in my life. But as I move forward with this decision, I'm feeling better and better about it and I'm excited to start this next chapter of my life.
•Funny quote from yesterday: "Colette, President Eyring moved to Idaho when he didn't really want to." Thanks, Dad. I hope Idaho is as good for me as it was for him. I still have my freak-out moments about moving, but suddenly being inundated with e-mails from my new co-workers welcoming me to the team does help calm me down.
•Ok, guys. This move to Boise is really happening. Anybody in the Provo/Orem area willing to donate some boxes to the cause?
•It's my last night in Provo and my roommate is throwing me a little going-away party. It's hard for me to keep track of who's in the area and who isn't, so I can't really send out individual invites. But if you can see this, it means you're invited! Come, come, come, come, come!
•Sorry for the first snow of the year, guys. Provo is just wishing me goodbye and is in mourning.

November
•My Idaho driver's license came in the mail today. Weird. I also got a new phone number with an Idaho area code. Double weird. I guess I really am an Idaho resident now. Anyways... Let me know if you want the number!
•Cereal. The dinner of champions.
•Got my first big-girl paycheck today! Definitely exciting. Now let's not just think about how I'm now paying more in taxes than what my gross pay was in some past jobs...
•A bit of a rough weekend in some ways, but also full of many tender mercies... including being able to go to two different sessions of the rededication of the Boise temple today. I am so blessed to live so incredibly close to a House of the Lord and am so grateful that the temple is now once again dedicated so that I can go and receive the blessings waiting for me there.
•Crazy, crazy, crazy day at work. My job definitely keeps me on my toes. But I'm loving it overall, anyways. Plus, I got my business cards today! I feel so professional.
•‎"I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost... I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said: “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you..."... I testify that, as stated in Preach My Gospel, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”" --Elder Shayne M. Bowen, “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also”
•After 3 months, 7 visits to the DMV and countless phone calls, my car is FINALLY fully registered! Can I please cry tears of happiness now?
•Just won NaNoWriMo! Bam. It ended up being pretty fun, though my plot and characters weren't the best or most original. (But that's beside the point.) I forgot how therapeutic writing for fun can be for me. Let's hope I can keep some of this creativity up, and not just have it reappear every November. :-)

December
•Finally got up the courage to try to donate blood again and was rejected. I have to wait until the beginning of June (a year after my cruise) to donate. Let's hope I can convince myself to try again. But traveling is awesome, even when it may put you at risk for malaria.
•Just bought a space heater for my room. Best investment I've made in quite some time.
•I feel so accomplished. Passed the ASWB Masters Exam that I had to take because I moved to Idaho and finished all my Christmas shopping. And it's only 11:30! Next on the list: going to the dollar theater and Olive Garden. And just having a great day. :-)
•"Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives." -President Thomas S. Monson
•I wasn't going to make it home for dinner before FHE, so I asked my roommate to bring me an apple, so that I wouldn't starve. She decided that I also needed some protein, so she brought me some muddy buddies, too. This roommate situation is working out quite well. :-)
•I made it all last winter without falling on ice, but totally biffed it this morning (in a skirt, no less), after the first real snowfall. I think that sums up 2012 quite nicely... lots of surprises! It'll definitely be interesting to see what 2013 brings.

NaNoWriMo

I put "completing NaNoWriMo" on my 101 list. When most people hear about NaNoWriMo, they just ask, "Uh... what?" And then I have to go on and clarify what NaNoWriMo is. (And some people still think I'm crazy after the explanation.)

NaNoWriMo (or National Novel Writing Month) is a challenge in the month of November to write a 50,000 word novel in just 30 days. This averages out to be 1667 words a day to reach the goal. Quite a bit of writing, and it can definitely be a bit intimidating. But I did it!

I know my novel wasn't anything special, especially considering the fact that I officially decided to participate on October 31 and had no real plan or outline going into it. However, it was really fun to just be a bit creative in my free time. I forgot how therapeutic writing can be for me. I was able to actually work out some personal issues, in a way. Amazing how just writing can do that. And it's so liberating to just ignore your inner editor for a while, because you need to get your word count. (Sometimes, it does become more about quantity than quality.) It doesn't matter if what you write doesn't make complete sense. It doesn't matter if you have the perfect phrase to describe everything. It doesn't matter if the characters aren't completely fleshed out. As some NaNoWriMo participants have been known to say, "December (and beyond) is for editing." I'm not entirely sure how much editing I'll ever end up doing, since I don't really have plans to publish it. But maybe. We'll see. And I'm already considering doing it again next year. Maybe with more of a plan.

But for now, I'll just be proud of this win. I mean, how many people can say they've written a novel? It was always something I wanted to be able to say, and now I can! It feels so great to set goals and achieve them.

How car shopping/buying is like dating/marriage

So... I got a new car. A 2013 Hyundai Elantra Limited. It's pretty sweet. But anyone that knows anything about this knows what a process it was for me to get this car. I test drove 10 different cars over the course of a few months. But then, even once I decided on the Elantra, more decisions had to be made. It really stressed me out... To the point that I wasn't really even sure if I wanted to get a new car. My current car (Squeekers, a 1998 Toyota Avalon) was fine. Sure, he had over 245,000 miles on him. And his turning radius was pretty awful. And the MPG definitely could've been better. But he got me where I needed to go. He was comfortable and spacious. And I had so many great memories with him. Why would I need something else? But I did get a new car. And somehow, I drew parallels to dating and marriage. (Am I a dork? Oh well.) So here are some of my observations about car shopping and buying. Not all of them may fit with the dating/marriage idea (and who knows how accurate some of these are, since it's not like I have much personal experience in dating or marriage), but I'm sharing them anyways. Because the idea of this post makes me smile.

For me, I had to do a bit of research before I started test driving. I had to figure out what was a must have for me (good MPG and cruise control) and what's nice to have (Bluetooth) and what I couldn't stand (truly compact cars... I need my space). But you can only research for so long before you have to start going on test drives. That's where you get some more invaluable information to add to these lists. Like I discovered that I can't stand uncomfortable seats... even if they're the back seats (I want my passengers to enjoy the trip, too). And I realized I liked sportier feeling cars. I got so used to my slightly clunkier Toyota Avalon, that I didn't really realize that steering could be a bit easier. And that was nice. Going along with that, I had to figure out what quirks I was okay with (a car not having the best suspension in the world) and what quirks I wasn't (ugly interiors). Some of those qualities are things I never would have figured out if I hadn't actually gone out with the car for a drive. Or I at least wouldn't have really known it mattered until I went on a drive.

Some cars you take on a test drive and you know immediately that it isn't a fit. This happened to me a few different times when test driving and I couldn't wait to get back to the dealership to either try a new car or go to a different dealership. The car was fine, but for some reason, I could tell it wasn't for me... though it'd easily be a great car for someone else.

Some cars sound good on paper and not in actuality. There were a few cars I was super excited to test drive since they sounded so good from my research. But once I was with the actual car... it wasn't right for me. And the opposite can also be true. A car may sound not-that-great on paper or based on your perceptions and stereotypes, but is great in person.

Test driving cars can actually be pretty dang fun. Though other times it's not as fun because you don't like the car quite as much as you wanted to. Oh well.

Unfortunately, there is no perfect car. But that's okay. You need to find what works and what doesn't work for you and find the best fit for you.

You may freak out when you find a car that fits so well that you then question if it could really be the right one- so you immediately try out some others. Um... this happened with me with the Elantra. After trying a few different cars and nothing working out, I was surprised how much I liked the Elantra. But that made me wonder if that really was the car for me. How could something fit so well? That couldn't be right. So instead of buying the car, I immediately wanted to test drive more cars. I was definitely overthinking things. (I apologize, future husband, for the fact that this most likely will occur with you.)

Not to make a post about cars spiritual or anything, but I definitely made the decision about my with my mind AND heart. It had to make sense in my head, but I also had to love it. The Elantra was the only car that fit that bill for me.

Sometimes the thing you fall in love with is completely different than you originally thought. Honestly, I didn't like the Elantra to begin with. I didn't really like its look and I was a bit weirded out my its handling to begin with (since I was super used to Squeekers). I pictured driving something more like Squeekers... except updated. But I ended up loving the Elantra.

Picking a car can require quite a bit of patience and perseverance. But it can still happen faster than expected. I got so frustrated driving and researching cars. I wanted to give up. But it finally worked out. And then I suddenly had a car that I love. Whoo!

Sometimes you just have to ignore what others say and go with your choice. I definitely had friends who tried to convince me to not get an Elantra. That made me doubt myself for a while. I took their advice into account, but ultimately, I had to do what was right for me.

However, sometimes you need to let others' opinions influence you. Sometimes others have a different perspective and can see something you don't because you're too close to the issue personally. They can also let you know when you're overthinking things. (I didn't overthink AT ALL with the Elantra *cough*lie*cough*)

Sometimes people know what would fit you well and sometimes they don't. My dad actually suggested that I try the Elantra when I first was looking at cars and I resisted. I eventually gave in and loved it. Another friend told me to try the Honda CRV. Hated it. Didn't fit me at all. (Moral of the story? I should listen to my dad... even if none of the blind dates he's set me up with have actually worked out thus far. Haha.)

Once you make a decision, you need to stick with it. I kept wavering with my decision about the Elantra. But without making a decision, I couldn't move forward. I was stuck. But I did move forward. And even though it was scary, and even though I was still freaking out about my choice for a bit after I got the car, it was a great decision. I'm so happy with it. And as my dad predicted, I am falling a bit more in love with it every day.

But it isn't necessarily all sunshine and roses once you get the new car. Though it's awesome, there are definitely adjustments. The cruise control isn't where you're used to it being. You can't quite figure out exactly where your seat and mirrors should be placed because it's not already fit for you like you're used to. You can't figure out how to adjust the temperature or how to connect your phone to the car's Bluetooth. And it's a pain to figure out new insurance polices and pricing. Bur you are able to figure it out eventually and grow used to it and love it. And, of course, there are also some fun, pleasant surprises. Like suddenly remembering you have a sunroof! Or using the seat warmers when you're cold. And basically realizing how spoiled you are by having such an awesome car and wondering how on earth you got to be so blessed.

Me in my car!

Outside of my car when it was at the dealership.

Inside of car.
Also... My Elantra still needs a name. Any ideas?