Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

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And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

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I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

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I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me. 

General Conference- October 2013

I know I probably am taking longer than I should to post about General Conference.  But I had to take some time to gather my thoughts.

The older I get, the faster conference seems to go.  Granted, part of it is getting faster (they seem to consistently end the sessions early now, but when I was growing up, I remember it going right up to the time, or even over).  But I know a big part of it going faster is the fact that I'm appreciating it more and find myself drinking up everything that I can.  I find myself looking forward to the counsel God is providing to us through His leaders.

I went in to conference with some specific questions.  The past few times I did that, I got very specific answers.  This time, I still definitely got answers, but they were more vague... though I guess the General Relief Society Meeting was a bit more specific, as one of my questions was about how I can better understand the temple and covenants, and most of the meeting consisted of talks focusing on covenants (see here, here, and here).

It's always interesting to me to see what themes come out of conference, even (or especially) when I'm not looking for them.  I did expect the big theme of missionary work, and that was definitely there (see here, here, and here).  But one theme that really jumped out at me was one of enduring through trials and pushing forward.  Maybe I saw that theme more than was actually there, but I wasn't particularly looking for it, so I don't think that's the case.  I know there were past conferences where this is the theme I would've craved at that point in my life.  But right now, things are going alright for me.  But I loved all of the talks about trials regardless, and I know I'm going to go back to them and re-read them during the future hard times that I will face.  (So for my reference, some of the talks to re-read during those times are this, this, this, and this... in addition to all of my current go-to talks)

My favorite of all of them, though, was Elder Holland's talk (he is typically a favorite of mine, if you couldn't tell from me linking to several of his other talks during the course of this blog).  But this talk in particular was great for me, because, as I put on Facebook, "As a therapist, I want to give it to every client I work with who has depression, as well as every person I come across who doesn't understand that mental illnesses are real. As a human being, I loved the reminder that through the Atonement all will eventually be made right. I'm so grateful for living prophets and these inspired messages."

I know it wasn't a perfect message, as people experience depression differently.  But it was such a relief to hear it talked about.  It really hurts my heart when people who don't understand depression or other mental illnesses tell others that they should just "pray more" or "choose to be happy."  And this seems to be an especially big response from people in the church due to some of the culture, which makes it even harder.  But you can't simply pray away depression.  You can't choose to be happy when you're depressed any more than you can choose to not have diabetes if you are diagnosed.  It was so wonderful to hear the validation that an apostle of the Lord provided.  I have so many friends and family members and clients who struggle with various mental illnesses and I hate the stigma attached to it...even though, if we're being completely honest, I sometimes perpetrate that stigma.  Which is made even worse by the fact that I've even dealt with it some myself.  (Not something I'm super open about due to that fun vulnerability thing I've discussed before... but that is a blog post for another day.)

I know there is so much that I didn't catch from conference and I'm excited to take Elder Hale's counsel and continue to study and learn from it (including the talks from the Priesthood Session, as I haven't taken the time to read those yet).  I am so blessed to have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life and to be able to receive guidance from my Father in Heaven through His prophets and leaders.  I know I need to show more appreciation of that, especially by sharing it... and I guess me blogging about it is one small way I can do that.

What was your reaction to General Conference?

Introvert vs. Extrovert

Today, in my leadership class, we were talking about self-awareness and how vital that is as a leader. As part of the class, we took a brief Myers-Briggs inventory on the section about extrovert versus introverts. Some people in my class were shocked that I had 6 questions marked as the "introverted response" and only 1 marked as the "extroverted response." They apparently don't see me that way. And that's because I can be extroverted when I need to be. I can be quite talkative with people that I'm close to (and after spending over a year and a half with the people in my cohort, I've become quite close to them). But deep down, I am an introvert.

I was so shy when I was little. I much preferred reading in my room to playing with friends every day. That's not necessarily a bad thing. But my wise parents knew that I would need to grow and stretch a little and become a bit more extroverted in order to accomplish things in life. As such, they forced me to talk to strangers (in safe situations, of course). They made me order food for myself at restaurants and wouldn't let me rely on them. I had to talk to people in the ward or to my teachers at school. Sometimes, my parents would stand back and be there for moral support, so I wouldn't have to do it all by myself, but I still had to be the one to do the talking. I vividly remember being at McDonald's once with my family. We had already eaten, but I really wanted an apple pie for dessert. My parents said I could get one, but that I had to order it myself. They handed me the dollar, but I almost handed it back. Ordering for myself wasn't worth it. But I finally went over and ordered myself. My parents were proud of me and I was proud of myself.

I'm really grateful they did that and many other things like that over the years. I'm also grateful that I've willingly put myself out there personally to learn and grow in various situations and leadership positions. I've definitely come out of my shell some since I was younger. I can talk to people relatively easily when I need to. I can make small talk at parties and have come away as friends with some of those people I have met. As a social worker, I need to quickly establish rapport with my clients. I can do that. But I'm still not an extrovert. (Well... introverts and extroverts are on a continuum. But I am definitely a bit more on the introvert side.) And last week, that was highlighted to me.

Last Thursday, I was in yoga class at the gym and was struggling to do some of the poses and I almost started crying. I was wondering why I was almost in tears. The fact that I am not as flexible or strong as pretty much everyone else in the class is not a big deal. I can handle that. It gets annoying and frustrating at times, but I can normally handle those feelings just fine. But this time, I was almost in tears. Why?

As I was doing some warrior pose, I realized why. I had not had any alone time that week. Normally, I can sneak away and read quietly in my room for a bit, zone out and watch some TV, journal, or do some other activity by myself to recharge. However, last week, I didn't have that. I was constantly running from one thing to another and pretty much constantly with people. Even when I was journaling, I was in the living room, surrounded by my roommates or something. For a better picture of my crazy week: Sunday, I had church, then I was busy writing missionaries (and my roommates were in and out of the room). Suddenly, it was time for dinner group, then the CES fireside, then ward prayer/socializing. Monday, I had work from 9am-6pm, then got home in just enough time to change, call someone, and then run to a ward FHE. After FHE, we had people over at our house to play Just Dance 3. Tuesday, I had school from 8am-6:30pm. And during my 3 hour break from school, I went out to lunch with a friend. After school, I went to the gym, then came home and watched Once Upon a Time with some roommates and friends. Wednesday, I worked out at the gym, had work from 10am-6pm, then had just enough time to get to institute, and then came back and hung out with roommates. Then, Thursday, I had school from 8am-2:30pm, then had my EFY interview, and then I was at the gym in yoga class. And even at the gym, I was surrounded by people. And that is when that realization hit me. I need alone time. And that is also when I made the decision to not go roller skating with my roommates and some people in my ward, so I could have even just a half hour of alone time before another roommate came home. If I had gone roller skating, I surely would have cried. But by staying home, I was able to quietly relax and recharge.

To some it all up... Though it may not seem like it to some people, I am an introvert. I need alone time. I do enjoy being with people. I find great joy in talking to people and establishing relationships. That's partly why I chose the career path I did. But I also need time to myself. I knew that deep down, but I thought that maybe I had changed enough that I was more of an extrovert than introvert. But that experience reminded me that I am still more of an introvert than an extrovert. And, for the sake of my mental sanity, I shouldn't fight that. Interesting insight, I'd say. So, I pose the question to you. Are you an introvert or extrovert? How do you know that? And do you fight it?