2019- A bulleted list

Once again, not great at posting on Facebook (so posting my statuses would be a bust), but I used that and my Google calendar to create a bulleted list of some of the things that happened this year. (Starred items were things I completed from my 101 list.)

January

• Saw a pre-release screening of “On the Basis of Sex”
• Mormons Building Bridges Retreat
• Sprained my ankle because I missed a stair. Whoops.

February

• A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder at the Hale
• Started facilitating at Encircle
• Got a fish pedicure

March

• North Star Conference
• Started seeing a phenomenal new therapist
• Bear Lake Writing Retreat with Leslee and Michelle

April

• Pink Concert
• Salt Lake City 10K race (the only race I did this year… not a year of running for me)
• Went to Lagoon
• First Utah Royals home game of the season
• Put in offer on house

May

• My dad gave a devotional at LDSBC and I still get people telling me to thank him for it
• My grandpa passed away
• Closed on my house (buy a house*)

June

• Pride
• Grandpa’s funeral
• Women’s World Cup (continued into July)
• Affirmation Conference
• Moved into my house after replacing the carpet and paint on the main and upper floors
• LoveLoud concert

July

• Joined several dating apps and went on way too many first dates
• Paint Nite*
• Plant Nite
• Love Letters museum
• Ax throwing

August

• Deleted the dating apps
• Cinderella at the Hale
• Saw Fighter (incredible aerial/song/dance show by the 90&9)
• Saw Hamleton at the Off Broadway Theatre
• Housewarming party
• Bear Lake family vacation
• Vancouver for my birthday with Sara (visit another country*)
• Dining in the dark restaurant* while in Vancouver (Thanks, Groupon!)

September

• Went to the Utah State Fair*
• Two year anniversary at my job
• Took watercolor class* through SLC Community Education
• Saw Fly More Than You Fall at UVU and cried a ton
• Saw the play Pilot Program at a huge private residence in Park City. Super thought-provoking.
• Mormons Building Bridges Forum

October

• Saw The Memory Palace Live show
• Almost fainted during a blood draw
•  Latter-day Faith retreat
• Got to see Kristin Chenoweth perform in person at Encircle
• Changed meds
• Presented at AUCCCD conference in San Antonio. Stuck around a few extra days to explore San Antonio

November

• Bought a weight set for my basement. (Which I now realize I shouldn’t have got. I need to sell it and start saving up for a reformer Pilates machine!)
• Created my own Netflix account and binged watched The Good Place
• Sleep consult and study (still have mild sleep apnea)

December

• Went to The Allusionist Live show
• Volunteered at the Encircle Summit by facilitating some of the youth friendship circles
• Started trying reformer Pilates (and I guess technically joined a Pilates studio*)
• Went to the Tabernacle Choir Christmas concert with guest performer Kelli O’Hara
• Tried acroyoga*
• New boss at work (so many changes at work during the course of the year…and, if we’re being honest, so many changes all the time since before I started working there. Haha.)

2019, by the numbers

Yet another one of these. I like them. But I wasn't as good at tracking numbers as I should've been with some things this year, so there are a lot less categories. Maybe I'll do better next year.

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 15734
States lived in: 1
States lived in/been in: 4
Airports been in: 3
Countries visited/lived in: 2
Round-trip plane trips: 2
Amusement parks visited: 1

Work: 

Jobs held: 1

States where I am an LCSW: 1
CEUs completed: 38
Bosses had: 2
Conferences presented at: 1

Personal:

Books read: 50
Pages read: 19,484
Places lived in: 2
Wards member of: 2
Roommates had: 0 (2 if you count my parents)
Cars driven: 4
Blogs posted: 2
Friends on Facebook: 467
Wedding receptions attended: 2
Car accidents been in: 2
Therapists had: 2

Physical:
Races run: 1

Run/walk miles logged in RunKeeper: 18.6
Difference in weight from highest to lowest: 23.8
Pilates classes taken: 8

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 2
Temples/temple grounds visited: 3
Live sealings attended: 2

101 List:

101 list goals completed: 8

101 list goals in progress: 14

2018, by the numbers

Yet another one of these. I like them. :-) Not all of these may be totally accurate. But... hopefully at least in the ballpark

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 22,262
States lived in: 1
States lived in/been in (including airports): 3 
States lived in/been in (not including airports): 3 
Airports been in: 3
Countries visited/lived in: 1
Round-trip plane trips: 2
Amusement parks visited: 1
Nights away from home: 25 

Work: 
Jobs held: 1

States where I am an LCSW: 1
CEUs completed: 40.5

Personal:
First dates went on: 1 
Second dates: 0
Books read: 57
Places lived in: 1
Wards member of: 1
Roommates had: 0 (2 if you count my parents)
Cars driven: 4
Blogs posted: 4
Friends on Facebook: 379
Calligraphy classes taken: 1 
Wedding receptions attended: 4

Physical:
Massages received: 5 

Races run: 15
Run/walk miles logged in RunKeeper: 243.4
Difference in weight from highest to lowest: 22.6 pounds 
Haircuts: 3 

Entertainment:
Restaurants visited/ordered from: 142

Times went out/ordered/got food from restaurants: 206
Movies watched: 15 

Plays/musicals attended: 7 
Concerts attended: 6

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 1
Blessings (including setting aparts) received: 6
Temples/temple grounds visited: 4
Live sealings attended: 2 

101 List:

101 list goals completed: 11

101 list goals in progress: 12

Year in Review- bulleted list

I’ve had a tradition of doing “My Year in Facebook Statuses” as a year-in-review blog post, but...I really didn’t post that many statuses this year. Facebook was more of a way for me to post pictures from the races I did and to keep up with friends’ lives. I’m not even using Facebook that often anymore the past couple of months. So I decided to just do a bulleted list of things that happened. Facebook did at least help me remember some of them, though my calendar also filled in a lot.

January

• St. George Half Marathon and long MLK weekend in St. George 
• Got LASIK 
• Started Salt Lake City Track Club Winter Series 

February

• Found a therapist in Utah to go to 
• Al Carraway gave an awesome devotional at work. My takeaway: "Hard times will always be there. But so will Christ." 
• Last race of the Salt Lake City Track Club Winter Series and I won a raffle prize ($25 gift card to Cafe Rio) 
• Went to Encircle for the first time 

March

• Weekend in St. George to visit Madi, where she introduced me to women’s professional soccer by having me watch a U.S. Women’s team game 
• Alan Menken at BYU 
• Game night at Heather’s, which helped to start a great friendship 
• My baby sister turned 20! 
• North Star Conference 
• Messiah MoTab concert 
• Did the Playworks Utah's Race to Reduce Bullying 5K with Sara 

April

• Jordan River Temple Open House with family 
• Started six week fitness challenge
• Went to a Salt Lake City Bee’s game briefly, but then it was pouring rain and we left 
• Did a race every weekend for a month--Emigration Canyon 10 Miler, Girl Scout Cookie Chaser 2K and 5K, Salt Lake City 10K, Tulip Festival 5K 
• First Utah Royals home game
• Blind date with a guy to Temple Square 
• Roommate reunion with Sara, Julie, and Aleisha 

May

• Hamilton 
• Spamilton 
• Finished the 6 week fitness challenge, down 9.4 pounds and 3.3% body fat. Though I’ve continued working out at the same place. Who would’ve thought I actually kinda like weightlifting? 
• Ogden Half Marathon. Gorgeous race, got a PR, and had fun seeing Boise Galloway friends 
• Lagoon with some Boise friends 
• Grassroots Shakespeare Festival with Sara and Garrett and Julie 

June

• Utah Pride with Madi, then the parade the next day with Madi and Jess 
• U.S. National Women’s Soccer team friendly game at Rio Tinto vs. China 
• Drop 13 Half Marathon and got another PR and all three race medals (one for finishing, one for getting a PR, and one for dropping 13 pounds while training). 
• Went to Baltimore for a work conference. I really enjoyed hanging out at the Inner Harbor each day after the conference. 
• Started house hunting 

July

• Hobbler Half with Alma. Such a hard half--so insanely hot. 
• Pentatonix concert 
• Affirmation Conference 
• Love Loud concert 

August

• Hit 100000 miles on my car. 
• Saw the play Aubrey was in (Thoroughly Modern Millie) 
• Bubble Run with Sara and Garrett and Kelly 
• My golden birthday 

September

• One year anniversary at my job 
• Did the Moonlight Half and finished my race a month for a year goal 
• Waitress 

October

• Amazing work conference in New Orleans 
• Josh Groban/Idina Menzel concert 
• Lore at BYU with Sarah 

November

• Mike and Kyley’s wedding 
• Girls weekend in Park City 

December

• Christmas MoTab concert, with special guest Kristin Chenoweth (went with Jess and Taryn) 
• The Forgotten Carols 
• Small Christmas--two siblings now married and it was the in-laws’ Christmas 
• And now it’s New Years Eve. Crazy how fast a year can go by when you’re looking back at it.

2017, by the numbers

I really like doing this year-end review by the numbers. Another year on the books. Happy New Year, everyone!

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 17,669
States lived in: 2
States lived in/been in (including airports): 11
States lived in/been in (not including airports): 4 
Airports been in: 12
Countries visited/lived in: 1
Round-trip plane trips: 4
Amusement parks visited: 0
Times driven to Utah and back: 6.5 
Nights away from home: 46

Work: 
Jobs held: 2

States where I am an LCSW: 2

Personal:
First dates went on: 0
Second dates went on: 0
Books read: 62 (20,583 pages, per Goodreads)
Places lived in: 3
Wards member of: 2
Roommates had: 0 (2 if you count parents, 3 if you add in one sister...)
Cars driven: 4
Blogs posted: 11
Friends on Facebook: 312
Calligraphy classes taken: 3

Physical:
Massages received: 5 

Races run: 7
Run/walk miles logged in RunKeeper: 550.1
Overall pounds lost: 9.8

Entertainment:
Restaurants visited/ordered from: 103

Times went out/ordered/got food from restaurants: 143

Movies watched: 27 

Plays/musicals attended: 4 

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 3
Blessings (including setting aparts) received: 4
Temples/temple grounds visited: 6
Number of proxy initiatories completed: 67
Number of proxy endowments completed: 16
Number of proxy sealings completed: 0
Live sealings attended: 0

101 List:

101 list goals completed: 14
101 list goals in progress: 13

Meridian Temple open house and dedication, make-up, and a brief life update

Once again, I am behind in blogging. But I need to update on a few things before I do my "year in review" posts tomorrow.

Over two months ago, I was able to cross "go to a temple open house" off of my 101 list. I was able to go back to Boise for a quick trip and got to help with the Meridian temple open house. I've been to plenty of open houses before, but never got to help usher, so that was neat. I especially enjoyed my first couple of hours, where I was at the doors and welcomed and counted people. (I even got a clicker counter to use, which reminded me of my good old speech therapy days.) They then switched me out and I wandered around and relieved people who needed a break. (I tried to, at least. Only one person took me up on it.) It's a really pretty building, inside and out, and I'll definitely have to go back and do a session there one day.

Then, a few weeks later, my dad and I popped over the border into Franklin, Idaho to watch the dedication broadcast. I'm glad I was able to go. It's kind of weird having been in Boise during all the groundbreaking and construction but not during the open house and dedication. I couldn't just not be part of it!

Also, as another 101 list note, I'm crossing off "try a new make-up brand/type." I bought some Senegence. Not totally in love with LipSense. I'm just so lazy when it comes to make-up and rarely use lipstick. But their foundation and mascara seem to be working okay for me.

In November, I won NaNoWriMo again. I was a total rebel, as I was writing four different things. But I did write 50,000 words in a month, so I'm counting it.

As far as life goes, definitely staying busy with my new job. Lots to do. But I love the people I work with and it's a really fun time to be there and help with a lot, especially being in a newly created position. Also, my parents moved into their new house and I'm living with them there currently. It's lovely, though I'm not loving the commute. I've been pretty spoiled to never have my commute be longer than 20-25 minutes. At least the train has been nice to at least do things during part of the commute. I probably need to start looking for my own house to buy, though. Eek! I don't know if I'm grown up enough to do that. Haha.

I'm still running. I've done 3 of 12 races for my race a month for a year goal. I did 10 miles today, which was the most I've done since the marathon, and my body is really feeling it. I need to figure out what race I'm doing in January and I'm debating if I'm up for a half or not. I ran into a kind couple at my December race and they introduced me to an awesome Utah Facebook community of runners, and that's been nice to connect to people at least virtually that way. I know I need to try harder to make some friends here, though it's hard when I don't entirely have the desire to. (#introvertproblems) But runners are great and this Facebook group seems super supportive, so I probably should tap into that more. I should also probably try harder in my new ward, but it's so ginormous and overwhelming. They're splitting into two Elder Quorums and two Relief Societies this next year though, so maybe it'll be a bit easier then. But for now, I'm grateful for my friends who were already in Utah who spend time with me. I'm lucky to have such great people in my life.

Parents home!

The week after Glacier, my parents got back from their mission. They came home on Sunday July 2, and I took the whole week of work off to spend time with them and other family.

The last three years have kind of flown by for all of us, I think, but it was so nice to welcome them home. Aubrey, Tyler, and I made posters and there were a lot of family members that came to the airport to welcome them home. I surprised myself when I started to cry when I saw them coming down the escalators. I wasn't quite prepared for that. But lots of hugs, tears, and laughs ensued for all of us.

We then spent the first half of the week having a reunion with my mom's side of the family, and the second half with my dad's side. It was a little hard at times for me because I'm an introvert and need my alone/recharge time, and there wasn't a lot of that to go around. But it was really nice spending time with everyone and hearing stories, laughing, and catching up.

On Sunday before I drove back, I was able to hear my parents speak/report in the ward my mom grew up in. The chapel was packed with my parents' missionaries, family members, friends, and even some of my dad's former mission companions! I know there are so many stories to tell. But I really want to share some important lessons I learned from things my dad taught his missionaries that I think we can all learn from.

One thing my dad talked about was "so templo," which kind of translates to "only temple." Sometimes, it may be easy for missionaries (and us) to think about getting people to baptism and not past that, but that isn't the right focus. Our goal should be to help people make all the necessary covenants to return to live with their Heavenly Father--not just the first covenant. Our goal should be to get people (including ourselves) to the temple. He helped his missionaries to do that by having them teach a "Spirit of Elijah" lesson, where they could read Malachi 4:5-6 and then ask about close family members who have passed away. The missionaries are inviting their ancestors to join the lesson and use that Spirit of Elijah to bring the the Spirit into the lesson and increase the investigator's desire to make covenants and get to the temple to perform these ordinances for their deceased family members. Super cool.

Another thing that stood out to me is the importance of listening to the first prompting. My dad pointed out that spirits speak spirit to spirit, so we should be very aware of those "thoughts" we have, because they are likely promptings. As one of my uncles would tell his stake, "A thought is a prompting until proven otherwise." (Assuming it's a good thought, of course.) My dad shared some really neat experiences of following that prompting and the miracles that came from that. However, going along with that, Satan is a spirit, and he also communicates that way. So he will come after the first prompting and make us doubt it, make us think it's only our thought and that it was a silly idea. That's why it's even more important for us to hang onto (an do) the first prompting. I know it's definitely something I need to work on doing better.

I know I probably am not doing these concepts justice. I think I should just convince my dad to start a blog where he can talk about all this great stuff. (Hint, hint.) :-)

Half marathon, a new digital piano, and other quick updates

Just over a month ago, I ran my first half marathon! It started out great. It was decent weather, and it was nice running through the Thanksgiving Point gardens and seeing all the beautiful flowers at the tulip festival. However, the race was harder than I expected... there were lots of ups and downs over the second half of the course and I was struggling. But with Karen by my side and using the wonderful Galloway method, I made it through. So, so grateful for Karen joining me at the last minute so I didn't have to do it alone. I've come to realize that one of my greatest struggles with running is the mental aspect and I was getting really discouraged that race. We couldn't see anybody running around us and that really messed with my head. But Karen kept me going and we finished and got our medals! It's nice to be able to accomplish goals.  

I have another half in less than a month, and I somehow was crazy enough to sign up for the St. George Marathon this October. Eek! Somehow, I've kind of turned into a runner. I met up with my running coach (the program director for Galloway here) earlier this week and we went over my goals and she made up an initial plan for me, including running and core and strength training. She also gave me a journal to keep track of workouts and a "Mental Training for Runners" book by Jeff Galloway. Hopefully that will help with the mental battle.

I also was able to cross off another thing off my 101 list. I wanted to either fix my old digital piano or get a new one. When I saw this digital baby grand at DI, I knew I couldn't pass it up! Though I haven't played it too much, it makes me so happy each time I see it.

In other news, I was able to see Kristin Chenoweth perform at BYU a few weeks ago and it was amazing! She is an incredible performer. I always appreciate good singers, but it's always so much better when they're so fun between their songs. I laughed so much... and a few of her songs even made me cry.

And I know I had already crossed off checking out a book from each of the Boise libraries in the Boise library system on my 101 list... but they added a new library! So I went there yesterday and got a couple of books.

And today was the Idaho Falls Temple Rededication. I was able to go to two of the sessions at a stake center pretty close to where I live (not like I was really doing anything else today) and it was really nice to feel the Spirit. I was able to go to the open house with some friends a few weeks back and I look forward to going and doing a session there someday. 

2016, by the numbers

I really like doing this year-end review by the numbers. Another year on the books. If you have ideas of other things I should track for this next year, let me know. Happy New Year, everyone!

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 19253
States lived in: 1
States lived in/been in: 5 (6 if you count the layover in New York on the way back from Brazil)
Countries visited/lived in: 2.
Round-trip plane trips: 3.5
Amusement parks visited: 1
Times driven to Utah and back: 7.5

Work: 
Jobs held: 1
States where I am an LCSW: 2
CEUs completed: 52

Personal:
First dates went on: 10
Second dates went on: 0
Books read: 71 (24,537 pages, according to Goodreads)
Places lived in: 1
Wards member of: 1
Roommates had: 1
Cars driven: 4
Blogs posted: 13
Friends on Facebook: 293
Calligraphy classes taken: 2

Physical:
Massages received: 6

Races run: 3
Run/walk miles logged in RunKeeper: 87.61 (wish I had started logging all my runs sooner... I didn't start logging them in there until my first race!)
Pounds lost since 6/20/16: 17.6

Entertainment:
Restaurants visited/ordered from: 89
Times went out/ordered/got food from restaurants: 142

Movies watched: 32
Plays/musicals attended: 1

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 3
Blessings (including setting aparts) received: 4
Temples/temple grounds visited: 6
Number of proxy initiatories completed: 99
Number of proxy endowments completed: 24
Number of proxy sealings completed: 7
Live sealings attended: 1

101 List:
101 list goals completed: 17
Novels written: 1

My Year in Facebook Statuses- 2016 Edition

January

• New Year's Eve is kind of weird when you can't watch the ball drop in Times Square because it hasn't happened yet. (I'm living in the future!) In other news, Brazilians are serious about their fireworks! Don't think I'll be getting too much sleep tonight. Happy New Year!
• Oh, Brazil. I already miss you... pretending it was summer, spending time with family, sleeping, reading, and eating lots of yummy food. It was good times. Not looking forward to being back in the real world and winter. But I'm not going to miss how your streets made me feel like I was riding a broken wooden roller coaster. That wasn't good times.
• Hypothetically, if I had been awake for 35 hours (due to traveling or something) and then slept for 14 hours straight, would I be caught up on sleep? You know, hypothetically. :-)

 February

• I need to pick a short quote for a project in my uncial calligraphy class. Any suggestions? Bonus points if the quote really goes well with the uncial style.
• Here's a sentence I never thought I'd say: I joined a guild! I'm officially one of the newest members of Idaho Inkspots. :-)
• Happy half-birthday to me!
• Thoughts about upstairs neighbors playing mariachi music at 11:25 on a work night? For the record, I'm not a fan.

 March

• First car ride with the sun roof open for the year. Love this weather!
• Just did a class at Cutting Edge Pilates. Using the proformer machine was awesome, but my muscles have never shaken that much during a workout before! (Hopefully I'll be able to walk tomorrow.) Awesome workout! I highly recommend it.

 April

 May

• I may have taken a while to join the Y, and I still have to convince myself to go more often than I'd like (let's been honest, I'd rather be reading). But I'm so glad I joined. Everyone is so friendly, it supports great things in the community, and they have fantastic equipment, facilities and classes. I tried the Pound Fit class tonight and loved it. Because if you're going to do bodyweight exercises, you might as well pretend you're a rockstar drummer while doing it, right? :-)
•  A lot of times, I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall at work. Trying to help people change their lives isn't easy. But then there are some days that make it all worth it. Where some change happens, big or small, and you're able to see that you were able to help make a difference. When you just happened to be at the right place at the right time to listen to and validate someone's story. That's why I do what I do. And that's why I'm grateful for days like today.
• Boise friends... I have a dress that I love that's been sitting in my closet for several months. I haven't worn yet because the sleeves and part of the back are unlined. Any recommendations of who I could take it to and get in lined so I can wear it and look gorgeous? (If it matters, I don't even have matching fabric, so people that are good at finding matching fabric and then altering it perfectly would be great.)

 June

• So grateful for getting what I need, even (especially?) when I didn't realize it was what I needed. Like running into a co-worker at the temple and proceeding to go out for ice cream together after and ending up talking for three and a half hours. My soul needed that. Now let's hope my body doesn't regret the lack of sleep tomorrow. J

 July

• Anybody have a pressure washer I can borrow? If I don't clean my parking spot myself by Monday, my property management company will charge me $35. I tried to contest it, but they say they're going to charge me, because according to them, it was my car that caused the mess.

 August

• Note to self: before you leave to head back home after a weekend away, make sure you double check that you have your wallet. The dreaded five and a half hour drive is even worse when it become a seven hour and fifteen minute drive. But thanks to Julie for meeting me part way so it didn't become closer to nine hours.
• Just ran 6.5 miles with my running group, thus proving to myself that I will not die during my 10K next month. Hooray!

 September

 October

• Guys! Once (the musical) is coming to Boise on January 20-21. Presale tickets are available now, starting at $37.50. Who wants to go with me?
• Debating how crazy I want to make my November. NaNoWriMo again (even though I have no ideas for a plot)? Triathlon in a month challenge at the Y? Or just teaching re-watching all the episodes of Gilmore Girls so I'm ready for November 25? Decisions, decisions...

 November

• Already behind on NaNoWriMo due to my calligraphy class cutting in to what would normally be my prime writing time. I'll have to write double tomorrow. And I'm getting up early to go to my first ever cycling class so I can start hacking away at the 112 miles biking required for the Ironman in a month challenge. What have I gotten myself into? Wish me luck!
• Alright... names of decent property management companies in the Boise/Meridian area. Go!
• To all my running friends: I've been considering buying a GPS watch for a while, but all the Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals are making think it's finally time to bite the bullet and get one. I want something that will do adjustable intervals (not just :30/:30s), has good accuracy and display, will sync with a tracker app (I currently use Runkeeper, but I'm open to changing apps), and has a good battery life. Bonus if it has coaching for running form and can also work for swimming. Any suggestions are appreciated.
• November... You've been fun, but also made me a bit crazy. I guess completing both NaNoWriMo and Ironman in a Month will do that to you. Especially if that's in addition to normal (and not-so-normal) stuff at work, spending quite a bit of time with family and friends, and just dealing with life stuff. December, please slow down a bit so I can feel sane entering into 2017. Thank you.  :-)

 December

• Can we talk for a minute about how I supposedly live in the "banana belt," but it's 13 degrees outside and I was legitimately a bit scared for my life driving into work yesterday with the snow dumping down and cars swerving all over the place? This is going to be a long winter...
• My Skype account has been hacked. I apologize for any messages you got from me. Please ignore/delete them.
• Got on a paddleboard for the first time ever today, and immediately started trying yoga. (The YMCA has the coolest classes.) I wasn't able to do a ton, but I didn't fall in the pool, so I consider that a success. Another first for the day... getting my car stuck in snow. Not fun. Luckily, my friend was able to get me out without too much trouble on her part (and with minimal tears on my part). But if I don't visit any of you that live away from main streets until spring because Boise doesn't believe in clearing roads that aren't main thoroughfares... just know that it's nothing personal.  :-)

Carrots, eggs, and coffee beans

Have you ever heard of the story of the carrots, the eggs, and the coffee beans? (Story taken from here, but there are many other places with it posted.  I'll summarize here.)

The story goes that a woman is really struggling. She goes to her mother and talks about how hard things are and how she just wants to give up. Her mother takes her to the kitchen and fills three pots with water. In one, she puts carrots. In the second, she puts eggs. And in the third, she puts coffee beans. Without a word, her mother just lets them boil. After a while, she turned off the burners and took out the food. She put the carrots in a bowl, the eggs in another, and the coffee in the last.  

"What do you see?" The mother asked her daughter. 

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee." 

The woman's mother brought her closer and asked her to examine the things in each bowl. The carrots were now soft. She broke the shell off an egg and noticed how hard it had become. And she sipped the coffee, loving the rich taste and aroma.

After making these observations, the daughter asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother smiled and explained that each of the objects faced the same adversity but reacted differently. The carrots, which had started out hard and unrelenting, became softened and weak. The eggs, which had once been fragile, with just a thin shell protecting the liquid interiors, became hardened. But the coffee beans were unique...they changed the water and became something else entirely. 

The story goes on to ask... which are you? When adversity comes, are you more like carrots, eggs, or coffee beans?

I remember when I first heard this story many years ago. I remembered wanting to be the coffee beans. (Though in my mind, sometimes I switched the coffee beans to hot chocolate mix. Because hot chocolate is much better. And I didn't want to be coffee... but I could be on board with being hot chocolate.) I wanted to make the best of my situation by transforming it and becoming even better in the process. But I realized that I sometimes acted more like the carrots, becoming weak and losing my strength, and thinking myself incapable of fixing anything.

However, I came to the realization this week that I've changed from the carrots to the eggs. With various things that have happened in the past few years, I've become quite hardened. I feel like I started out soft and yielding, with so much potential, much like the egg yolk and whites inside the shell. But I've let hard circumstances make me hard as well. I've become a bit bitter and tough. And that hardness is interfering with my ability to connect with others and with God.

This is a tough realization to come to. I was sitting in my therapist's office, crying, realizing how hard my heart had become, and my therapist pointed out, "Insight can only take you so far." He said that because this was something we'd been dancing around in therapy, but I really haven't done anything to change that part of me. It feels too big, too hard to change. And he knew that he couldn't push me until I was ready. So now comes the time to ask what I'm going to do with that insight. Am I going to try once again to become coffee beans/hot chocolate mix? Or will I just stay an egg, letting nothing get past my hard heart/exterior, good or bad?

As I was thinking about this and studying it more, I came across a conference talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. He explains:

"The heart is a synonym for one’s entire makeup. We often use phrases about the heart to describe the total person. Thus, we describe people as being “big-hearted” or “goodhearted” or having a “heart of gold.” Or we speak of people with faint hearts, wise hearts, pure hearts, willing hearts, deceitful hearts, conniving hearts, courageous hearts, cold hearts, hearts of stone, or selfish hearts.  The measure of our hearts is the measure of our total performance."

So... having a hard heart isn't something I want. I don't want to ever be described as hard. I want to be described as "big-hearted" or "having a heart of gold." I feel like that my softer and kinder nature is what drew me to my profession, and so those would be amazing compliments to me. But I know I'm not coming across that way to people now, and I'm definitely not coming across that way to God. As we think in spiritual terms, a soft heart is one that will listen to God. The "thy will be done" is something I've struggled with a lot of my life, but even more so lately. I've been quite mad at God for the situations I feel that I'm in. I've stopped really working on that relationship with Him. My will wasn't happening, but I didn't want to go to His will. And honestly, I'm still not sure if I want to switch to His plan. Faith is hard. I don't see His plan. I have no idea what it is. And ultimately, I am choosing to follow God's plan, I'm just not going super willingly. Should I really keep trying to "kick against the pricks"? All that does is hurt me more. But my hard heart isn't just keeping God out. I'm isolating myself from others around me.

In a conference talk from April 2008, by Elder Gerald N. Lund. He said,

"Early in our lives, we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to. In some cases the fence we erect around our hearts could be likened to a small picket fence with a Welcome sign on the gate. Other hearts have been so hurt or so deadened by sin that they have an eight-foot (2.5-m) chain-link fence topped with razor wire around them. The gate is padlocked and has a large No Trespassing sign on it."

Even before these more recent trials, I struggled with letting people get close to me. I'm really good at keeping people out. But I've let these trials make my walls even higher, with even more locks, so I'm continuing to block people out... people that could help me. Love me. Be there for me. I'm not letting myself build friendships and connections. I can't fully connect with my clients when I'm often trying so hard to keep people out and not deal with my own emotions and situations. With these walls, I end up isolating myself more, becoming even harder and even more impenetrable.

So the question remains... what am I going to do to change this? It's great that I have the insight, but nothing is going to change unless I do. So I'm going to work towards changing from being an egg to being coffee beans/hot chocolate mix. It's not going to be easy. It's taken me a while to become this hard, so it's going to take a while to soften, as well. But I do believe that it's possible. And maybe, one day, I can become that truly amazing cup of coffee/hot chocolate, transformed into something so much better than I was originally.

Pioneer Day and Enduring to the End

I've been struggling lately... Really, really struggling in so many ways. And some of those ways make it really hard for me to want to go to church. It is a total battle to get to church on Sundays. And that's not something you really go around telling people. And you definitely don't tell people at church, because we're all supposed to be perfect, right? It's hard to admit you're struggling, when everybody else seems to be doing fine. (Though I know logically others are struggling and putting on their good faces, as well.)

So last night, I was pretty sure I was just going to stay home from church. What was the point of going when I felt like I was too far gone? But somehow, I did make it to church today. Part of that was due to seeing a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland posted on The Church's Instagram:

"Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, 'O Jesus, … have mercy on me.' He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek." 

Good quote, right?

So I made it to church. But I'll be honest... once I get to church, I don't always pay attention to what is going on and is what being said. It's just easier sometimes to tune out and play around on my phone than deal with whatever anxiety or not-fun feeling I'm trying to block out. But today, a few things did get through during the talks about pioneers (since today is Pioneer Day). This quote stuck out to me especially.

The last sentence especially struck me. There have been so many times I've wished I could just be done. (Thank you, depression. You're the best.) And because of that, I imagine it would be so easy for me to die a martyr's death. Then you're done! Because of that, enduring to the end is a principle I've struggled with. Forever seems so long when it's a challenge to just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. It is so easy to want to give up. But I've been called to live a disciple's life. So, today, I pick myself up again and continue to move forward.

Sunday Musings- Jarius

I was reading from Chapter 10 of the Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter today. I normally am able to read it during the lesson, but I was following the discussion more than normal today and kept getting distracted from reading. (Which is probably how it should be. You know...actually paying attention to the lesson.) So I read the lesson after I got home. The teacher had told us that section 4 of the lesson is a part where President Hunter elaborates on a story that was just a few verses long in the New Testament. I love when apostles and prophets have done that... give "the rest of the story" or make you think deeper about a few verses in a way that help bring the story to life. It's so easy to read scriptures as a story and not remember that these were real people and these were their lives that we can learn from. How much do we miss when we don't think about that? I remember when I took a Bible as Literature class at BYU, we spent over an hour during the first class, elaborating on just nine verses of scripture (about Abraham and Isaac). It was amazing. I loved that class. But I have let some of that type of studying and pondering go by the wayside as time as gone one, unfortunately. There is so much we can gain from the scriptures 

Anyways, the fourth section of the lesson gave an example of how to expound the scriptures like that. President Hunter took just three verses from the story of Jarius and delves into it. He gives some cultural/historical background (which can really help in helping to better understand the scriptures) and then he makes the following observation:

"Matthew doesn't give the name of this chief elder, but Mark identifies him by adding to his title the words, 'Jarius by name.' Nowhere else in the scriptures does this man or his name appear except on this occasion, yet his memory lives in history because of a brief contact with Jesus. Many, many lives have become memorable that otherwise would have been lost in obscurity had it not been for the touch of the Master's hand that made a significant change of thought and action and a new and better life." (Emphasis added.)

For some reason, that just sent a jolt through my body. And then I kept reading and another section stood out to me:

"Then comes a great acknowledgment of faith: 'I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.' These are not only the words of faith of a father torn with grief but are also a reminder to us that whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." (Emphasis added.)

I need to let Christ lay His hand on my life, on my faith, on my heart. I've been fighting it some lately. It's been easier for me to get angry and hurt and blame Him for things that are going on that are hard, and pushing Him away instead of turning to Him for help. I wish I could better express my thoughts about these verses and President Hunter's thoughts about them, but it's a bit hard for me to do so. I just know that I need to keep working towards trusting God more (an ongoing theme in my life) and let Him lay His hands on my life. To let Him in to my life and make it even better just because He is in it. 

He is Risen

One of my 101 list goals was to attend an Easter or Christmas mass, so I did that today. I went downtown and went to the Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist. The Cathedral is beautiful, both inside and out. It was a neat experience to be able to go and see how others celebrate such a holy day. I wish I had worn different shoes, though. All the pews were full when I got there (after having to walk a few blocks, due to the fun parking situation downtown), so I got to join many others against the walls, where we stood for the entirety of the service. And for whatever reason, I actually wore heels today, instead of my usual flats. Oh well. It was still a good experience.

I went pretty much straight to church right after mass. Sacrament meeting was wonderful today. Along with a couple of beautiful musical numbers, a few different people had been asked to bear their testimony of Christ and the Atonement. It was so simple, but absolutely beautiful and the Spirit was so strong. Because isn't that what the gospel is all about? The good news of the gospel is all about Christ and what He has done for us. He atoned for our sins. He is there to succor us, and has overcome death. One of the testimonies really struck me in particular. One of the men related a story a sister told him on his mission She had someone ask her to consider where she would have been during the Savior's crucifixion. Would she be at the foot of the cross, with His other loved ones and the believers? Would she be mocking Him? Would she be at home unaware? As she pondered the thought, an impression came to her that she would actually be alone in the desert, trying to carry her own cross alone, because she wasn't fully utilizing Christ's Atonement.

How grateful I am for the knowledge that I don't have to carry my own cross alone, for Christ has invited me to take His yoke upon me, that my burdens may be light. I don't have to continue to punish myself for sins I've committed, for once I've utilized the Atonement, they are forgiven. I don't have to struggle alone and feel like nobody understands, because He does. He is there, always. I just need to turn to Him. For He lives.

Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

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And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

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I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

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I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me.