Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

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And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

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I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

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I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me.