My Year in Facebook Statuses- 2016 Edition

January

• New Year's Eve is kind of weird when you can't watch the ball drop in Times Square because it hasn't happened yet. (I'm living in the future!) In other news, Brazilians are serious about their fireworks! Don't think I'll be getting too much sleep tonight. Happy New Year!
• Oh, Brazil. I already miss you... pretending it was summer, spending time with family, sleeping, reading, and eating lots of yummy food. It was good times. Not looking forward to being back in the real world and winter. But I'm not going to miss how your streets made me feel like I was riding a broken wooden roller coaster. That wasn't good times.
• Hypothetically, if I had been awake for 35 hours (due to traveling or something) and then slept for 14 hours straight, would I be caught up on sleep? You know, hypothetically. :-)

 February

• I need to pick a short quote for a project in my uncial calligraphy class. Any suggestions? Bonus points if the quote really goes well with the uncial style.
• Here's a sentence I never thought I'd say: I joined a guild! I'm officially one of the newest members of Idaho Inkspots. :-)
• Happy half-birthday to me!
• Thoughts about upstairs neighbors playing mariachi music at 11:25 on a work night? For the record, I'm not a fan.

 March

• First car ride with the sun roof open for the year. Love this weather!
• Just did a class at Cutting Edge Pilates. Using the proformer machine was awesome, but my muscles have never shaken that much during a workout before! (Hopefully I'll be able to walk tomorrow.) Awesome workout! I highly recommend it.

 April

 May

• I may have taken a while to join the Y, and I still have to convince myself to go more often than I'd like (let's been honest, I'd rather be reading). But I'm so glad I joined. Everyone is so friendly, it supports great things in the community, and they have fantastic equipment, facilities and classes. I tried the Pound Fit class tonight and loved it. Because if you're going to do bodyweight exercises, you might as well pretend you're a rockstar drummer while doing it, right? :-)
•  A lot of times, I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall at work. Trying to help people change their lives isn't easy. But then there are some days that make it all worth it. Where some change happens, big or small, and you're able to see that you were able to help make a difference. When you just happened to be at the right place at the right time to listen to and validate someone's story. That's why I do what I do. And that's why I'm grateful for days like today.
• Boise friends... I have a dress that I love that's been sitting in my closet for several months. I haven't worn yet because the sleeves and part of the back are unlined. Any recommendations of who I could take it to and get in lined so I can wear it and look gorgeous? (If it matters, I don't even have matching fabric, so people that are good at finding matching fabric and then altering it perfectly would be great.)

 June

• So grateful for getting what I need, even (especially?) when I didn't realize it was what I needed. Like running into a co-worker at the temple and proceeding to go out for ice cream together after and ending up talking for three and a half hours. My soul needed that. Now let's hope my body doesn't regret the lack of sleep tomorrow. J

 July

• Anybody have a pressure washer I can borrow? If I don't clean my parking spot myself by Monday, my property management company will charge me $35. I tried to contest it, but they say they're going to charge me, because according to them, it was my car that caused the mess.

 August

• Note to self: before you leave to head back home after a weekend away, make sure you double check that you have your wallet. The dreaded five and a half hour drive is even worse when it become a seven hour and fifteen minute drive. But thanks to Julie for meeting me part way so it didn't become closer to nine hours.
• Just ran 6.5 miles with my running group, thus proving to myself that I will not die during my 10K next month. Hooray!

 September

 October

• Guys! Once (the musical) is coming to Boise on January 20-21. Presale tickets are available now, starting at $37.50. Who wants to go with me?
• Debating how crazy I want to make my November. NaNoWriMo again (even though I have no ideas for a plot)? Triathlon in a month challenge at the Y? Or just teaching re-watching all the episodes of Gilmore Girls so I'm ready for November 25? Decisions, decisions...

 November

• Already behind on NaNoWriMo due to my calligraphy class cutting in to what would normally be my prime writing time. I'll have to write double tomorrow. And I'm getting up early to go to my first ever cycling class so I can start hacking away at the 112 miles biking required for the Ironman in a month challenge. What have I gotten myself into? Wish me luck!
• Alright... names of decent property management companies in the Boise/Meridian area. Go!
• To all my running friends: I've been considering buying a GPS watch for a while, but all the Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals are making think it's finally time to bite the bullet and get one. I want something that will do adjustable intervals (not just :30/:30s), has good accuracy and display, will sync with a tracker app (I currently use Runkeeper, but I'm open to changing apps), and has a good battery life. Bonus if it has coaching for running form and can also work for swimming. Any suggestions are appreciated.
• November... You've been fun, but also made me a bit crazy. I guess completing both NaNoWriMo and Ironman in a Month will do that to you. Especially if that's in addition to normal (and not-so-normal) stuff at work, spending quite a bit of time with family and friends, and just dealing with life stuff. December, please slow down a bit so I can feel sane entering into 2017. Thank you.  :-)

 December

• Can we talk for a minute about how I supposedly live in the "banana belt," but it's 13 degrees outside and I was legitimately a bit scared for my life driving into work yesterday with the snow dumping down and cars swerving all over the place? This is going to be a long winter...
• My Skype account has been hacked. I apologize for any messages you got from me. Please ignore/delete them.
• Got on a paddleboard for the first time ever today, and immediately started trying yoga. (The YMCA has the coolest classes.) I wasn't able to do a ton, but I didn't fall in the pool, so I consider that a success. Another first for the day... getting my car stuck in snow. Not fun. Luckily, my friend was able to get me out without too much trouble on her part (and with minimal tears on my part). But if I don't visit any of you that live away from main streets until spring because Boise doesn't believe in clearing roads that aren't main thoroughfares... just know that it's nothing personal.  :-)

I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.

Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

via

And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

via

I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

via

I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me. 

More 101 List Things (AKA: I really should update my blog more often)

Besides my traditional year-in-review posts, the last time I posted something on my blog was back in September...and that was reviewing the whole summer, because the time I posted before that was in April. Whoops.

So, at least this means I have a list of things I've accomplished on my 101 list since then. I promise I am doing things with my life, guys. In no particular order, I...:

• went on the Thunder Mountain Railroad. (That was back in September. It was a fun experience. Yummy food and beautiful scenery.)
• did glass blowing at Idaho Art Glass. (I made a vase that is now sitting on my kitchen table. I think I now want to make paper flowers to fill it with.)
• voted in person. (in the November elections)
• read Daughters of My Kingdom.
• participated in sealing by proxy. (I was able to do this in Brazil with my parents when we were visiting them, which was really neat. Even though the ordinances were in Portuguese and I didn't know exactly what was being said. Maybe I need to do it in English sometime. Haha.)
• visited Brazil! (Got to go with my siblings for Christmas. It was lovely. Minus the lots of flying to get there and back.)
• went to a NaNo write in. (I went to a write-in and the Bishop's House in Boise, and it was really beautiful. They were setting it up for Christmas and I just hid myself away in a room where Santa would be, and got to write in the glow of the Christmas lights. I didn't sit in Santa's chair, though. That would have been disrespectful. Haha.)
• did a session in a temple that I haven't before. (Went to the Jordan River temple and did a session the last day it was open before it closed for extensive renovations.)
• went to a temple open house. (Went to the Provo City Center Open House. SOOO beautiful! I definitely want to go back and do a session once it's dedicated.)
• followed a meal plan for a week. (Did it, but now I'm bad about continuing to do that.)
• drank a gallon of water a day for two weeks. (Same as the meal plan. Bad at continuing to follow-through.)
• bought a pair of boots. (Granted, they were from DI. But I bought them and I wear them. I am debating buying a new pair, though, which I think is what I meant when I made this goal. But it's hard to find boots I'd actually wear!)

In other news, I'm staying really busy with work and things. I have something going on pretty much every night after work. (Monday is home evening, Tuesday is temple night, Wednesday is institute, Thursday is calligraphy class, and Friday has generally become girls night.) I'm trying to be social. I started online dating, but that's really not going anywhere (which I'm ok with for now). I really started online dating to try to get used to talking to normal guys again (because I feel like I lost that skill since leaving BYU). But all of this is keeping me busy and rather tired. I know I need to get into more of a regular exercise routine again, but it is hard for me when I'm so busy after work, and it's hard enough getting myself out of bed for work... I don't know if I can get up even earlier to work out. I do need to figure it out. 

But life is pretty good. I'm trying to refocus and re-calibrate, especially after a breakthrough I had earlier this week in therapy. (And seriously guys, maybe you won't take this advice seriously since I'm a therapist myself and you think that I have to say this...but therapy is awesome and everybody should do it.) Still trying to figure out exactly how to follow-through though. But it'll happen. Slowly, but surely, I'm making it happen.

2015, by the numbers

I really like doing this year-end review by the numbers. It makes me happy. Though numbers can't accurately sum up everything, I think they do a decent job. I'm interested to see how my numbers next year will stack up to this year's numbers. Happy New Year, everyone!

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 14183
States lived in: 1
States lived in/been in: 5 (6 if you count the layover in NY on the way to Brazil)
Countries visited/lived in: 2
Round-trip plane trips: 2.5
Amusement parks visited: 0
Times driven to Utah and back: 6.5 

Work: 
Jobs held: 1
States where I am now an LCSW: 2
CEUs completed: 31.25

Personal:5
Dates went on: 0
Books read: 85 (and according to Goodreads, that was 29,739 pages read)
Places lived in: 1
Wards member of: 1
Roommates had: 2
Cars driven: 3
Blogs posted: 6
Friends on Facebook: 437
Massages received: 12

Entertainment:
Restaurants visited: 118
Times went out/ordered/got food from restaurants: 167

Movies watched: 43
Plays/musicals attended: 7 

Concerts attended: 1 

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 3
Blessings (including setting aparts) received: 3
Temples/temple grounds visited: 5
Number of proxy initiatories completed: 61
Number of proxy endowments completed: 13
Number of proxy sealings completed: 5
Live sealings attended: 1

101 List:
101 list goals completed: 31
Novels written: 1

Review of 2012, by the Numbers

As much as I don't love math, I kind of like numbers. So, you get another year-in-review post... this time with some numbers that sum up some parts of my past year, in some way or another. (Whew! Lots of sums/somes in that sentence. Sorry about that.) Get excited.

Traveling:
Miles traveled: 22200+
States lived in: 2
States lived in/been in: 12
Countries visited: 4 (5 including US)
Plane trips: 7
Amusement parks visited: 6

School and Work:
Degrees earned: 1
Licensing tests taken (and passed): 2
EFY sessions worked: 6
Jobs held: 4
Jobs applied for when looking for my full-time job: 30+
Interviews attended when looking for my full-time job: 9

Personal:
Dates went on: 12
Boys I went on dates with this year who are now engaged: 3
Books read: 79
Wards member of: 2
Roommates had: 4
Roommates had including EFY weeks: 18
Plays/musicals/operas attended: 8
Cars test driven: 10
Missionaries written: 20+

Spiritual:
Temples/temple grounds visited: 12
Temple open houses attended: 3
Ensigns read: 12

101 List:
101 list goals completed: 28
101 list goals in progress: 9
Novels written: 1 (definitely had to highlight that out of all the goals I did, because that was awesome)

Lives touched: ?

But these numbers definitely don't paint the full picture that was my life in 2012. 2012 was full of surprises and ups and downs and lots of things happened that I never really would have expected. I never would have guessed that I'd ever live in Idaho, but here I am. Never thought I'd be working for the company I do, but (once again), here I am. I've really had to adjust my life plans in several different ways. I had to grow in ways I never thought I would and that (in some cases), I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about it all. But I have grown and learned a lot. And going over some of these numbers (as well as my previous post, with my Facebook statuses), helps me to remember some of the awesome things I did this year, as some of the harder things I went through. I'm really interested to see what 2013 brings.

My Year in Facebook Statuses- 2012 Edition

(Obligatory end-of-the-year post.)

I saved all my Facebook statuses in a Word Document for the last year, and it was definitely fun for me to review it and remember some of the things that happened this year. Hope you enjoy it, as well.

January
•‎2011 was a great year overall, but I feel like 2012 is going to be my best year yet. It won't be without its challenges, for sure, but it'll be a fantastic year nonetheless. Bring. It. On.
•My body is rebelling against getting back into work and school mode.
•‎15 letters later... I'm finally caught up on writing missionaries! Whew!
•Just got a letter from my 12-year-old self. To whatever teacher made me do that and then kept it for 10 years before mailing it... thank you. That was one of the most hilarious things I've read in a while.
•Sometimes being a therapist is really hard.
•Won the Sunday challenge.

February
•Going to bed just after 10pm. What is WRONG with me? (Oh yeah... I'm exhausted...)
•To all those who have been asking me what I'm doing after graduation, I finally have an answer... I'm going to be an EFY counselor! (Just don't ask what I'm doing after July 21. I still have no idea.)
•Heart-shaped pizzas are cool and all... But it's kind of depressing when you have to cut them up to eat them.
•Just got surprised by one of my best friends, who I haven't seen for almost three years. Definitely made me smile. So fun!
•In honor of Fat Tuesday and giving up desserts for Lent, I am currently eating the world's second greatest gift. And then I'll finish it off with a Krispy Kreme. :-)
•The first EFY counselor training was awesome. I'm getting more and more excited for this summer!
•In case anybody was wondering, roller derbies are AWESOME!
•Just ordered my cap, gown, hood, and announcements. Maybe I will make it to graduation, after all!
•I'm allowed to get excited over my half birthday, since I only get it once every four years. (Happy half birthday to me!)

March
•Sometimes 10:30pm IHOP runs turn into suddenly getting home at 1am and realizing you're not tired anymore. Work tomorrow (today?) is going to be interesting...
•Least favorite Sunday of the year. I hate getting even less sleep than normal.
•How the heck have none of my friends said, "Beware the ides of March" yet today? C'mon people!
•Note to self: Always have good friends around who are good with cars.
•Smoothies and scrabble for a lunch party at work today. (I love my internship.) :-)
•Seeing some of my friends posting about registering for fall classes is weirding me out a little since this is the first time in years I'm not registering for classes. (And I'm not ever registering for classes again...)

April
•Rappelling for class is so much better than having a lecture.
•Passed the ASWB Clinical Exam! (I feel such a huge sense of relief right now.) So when I graduate in two weeks, I not only get my MSW degree, I walk across the stage as a CSW. Bam! :-)
•I'm learning so much about cars by having mine break down. At least I have friends that can educate me and then fix it.
•"The pain of loneliness, disappointment, despair, and heartache is actually carving reservoirs into your soul that will later be filled with joy."
•Just finished my last final ever and I graduate with my MSW next week. (I don't think either fact has truly hit me yet.)
•Just finished my last day at LDS Family Services. I'm going to miss working there so much!
•Dating/marriage advice from Uncle Scott: "Parts for a Corolla are easy to find... parts for a Ferrari are harder." Gotta love family get-togethers (and being graduated)!
•Aaaaaand.... cruise is booked. The Caribbean better be ready for the party Julie and I are going to bring in a month!
•Kansas City BBQ was delicious! And made even better by being with friends. Also, my grades for the last semester are in. I won't quite be graduating with the GPA I want, but I'll still be getting my MSW. I'll take it. A good night thus far, I'd say.
•Back safely in Provo after almost missing my connection and experiencing the most turbulence I've ever had in my life. My time in Kansas was way too short. But... Now I just must let the summer fun continue!
•I feel so smart watching the teen version of Jeopardy. I actually know the answers!

May
•Donated blood for the first time ever today... And I survived. Definitely got rather lightheaded and nauseous, though. Had to have a compress on my head, a fan turned on me, cold water to sip on, and a barf bag nearby just in case. Oops. Oh well.
•Got to play around on a harp today! It was so fun. :-)
•Just saw a bunch of EFY kids getting snow cones during their free time. I'm so excited to be a counselor in a few weeks! Now if only I could just learn the orientation dance. It's way more complicated than I'd like...

June
•Mexico, Belize, Honduras, Grand Cayman, and Orlando were all awesome, but I'm so excited to finally be home and in my own bed! (Though I won't be able to enjoy my own bed for long... EFY starts in just a few days!)
•Happy anniversary to my wonderful and amazing parents. I can only hope one day to have as strong and loving marriage as you two do.
•I love it when Thursday nights at EFY completely make up for all the craziness that happens during the rest of the week. And while I am excited to catch up on some sleep next week during my week off, I'm going to miss this so much.

July
•Convertibles make me so happy. :-)
•Watching fireworks from a rooftop? Yes, please!
•I'm going to miss being an EFY counselor so much. I just want to do this forever. Forget this whole getting a "real job" thing. Haha. ...But seriously.
•While I miss Team Tall Tees, I'm so excited to be with the Midwest team in Kirtland this week! It's going to be fantastic. Sad it's already my last week of EFY, though. Where has the summer gone?
•A ton of girl counselors I'm working with this week have served missions, have their mission calls, or are putting in their papers. I've also interacted with several sister missionaries at church sites we've visited this week and during our EFY service project. During this time, I've realized how much I love hearing their stories of how they decided to serve missions. So to my sister RM friends, or to my girl friends who are preparing to serve or have their calls... What's your story? I'd love to hear it! (Feel free to message it to me if it's too personal to share in a comment.)
•After two awesome days at Cedar Point, Epic Road Trip: Ohio Edition continues... as we head to Nauvoo. :-)
•Home, home, home, home, home! I have to leave in less than 43 hours again, but it's so nice to be back for this brief amount of time. (I'm especially looking forward to sleeping in my own bed for two whole nights!) :-)

August
•I can't believe EFY is over. Those six weeks were some of the craziest, hardest, most emotional, and yet most fulfilling and fun weeks of my life. Thanks to everybody who made it such a great experience!
•Note to self: a dream about forgetting about a test is just as scary when you're out of school as it was when you were in school.
•Truths affirmed this evening: 1. I am a klutz. 2. Tubing is awesome. 3. I bruise way too easily.
•Advantage of my family moving to Orange County? Being able to play at Disneyland for a day when visiting them. — at Downtown Disney.
•"The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. That progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether initially it be to your individual liking or not. When you trust in the Lord, when you are willing to let your heart and your mind be centered in His will, when you ask to be led by the Spirit to do His will, you are assured of the greatest happiness along the way and the most fulfilling attainment from this mortal experience. If you question everything you are asked to do, or dig in your heels at every unpleasant challenge, you make it harder for the Lord to bless you.” —Elder Richard G. Scott ("Finding Joy in Life")
•First time since fall 1994 that school has started and I'm not there. Weird. So I instead went to the gym for the first time in three months and somehow survived the hour-long Zumba class (but man, I'm out of shape). Next up on the agenda? Cleaning. Then going out to lunch with a friend. And job searching. And TV watching. And reading. Oh, the life of an unemployed graduate.

September
•Definitely got burned at the game today. Oops. Oh well. It was worth it. :-)
•Well... That was an incredibly hard game to watch. But I'm still proud of my Cougars. Now let's come back stronger next week.
•Regional Conference was wonderful and just what I needed. I'm so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints!
•Looks like I'll be up in Boise for an interview next week. For those familiar with the area, any suggestions of things to see/do while up there? Keep in mind that I'll also be evaluating Boise as a place to live, so any suggestions/comments geared towards that would also be appreciated.

October
•Anybody have an extra ticket to the BYU game this weekend? My dad's coming into town and it'd be a lot of fun to have him join me!
•After lots of crying, prayer, getting the worst night's sleep since recovering from my jaw surgery over 4 years ago, and more crying and prayer... I made a major life-changing decision. I have accepted a job position Boise and Nampa (Idaho). My head is still reeling from all of this. I'm really going to miss Provo and the people in it. It's been home for over 5 years... The longest I've lived anywhere in my life. But as I move forward with this decision, I'm feeling better and better about it and I'm excited to start this next chapter of my life.
•Funny quote from yesterday: "Colette, President Eyring moved to Idaho when he didn't really want to." Thanks, Dad. I hope Idaho is as good for me as it was for him. I still have my freak-out moments about moving, but suddenly being inundated with e-mails from my new co-workers welcoming me to the team does help calm me down.
•Ok, guys. This move to Boise is really happening. Anybody in the Provo/Orem area willing to donate some boxes to the cause?
•It's my last night in Provo and my roommate is throwing me a little going-away party. It's hard for me to keep track of who's in the area and who isn't, so I can't really send out individual invites. But if you can see this, it means you're invited! Come, come, come, come, come!
•Sorry for the first snow of the year, guys. Provo is just wishing me goodbye and is in mourning.

November
•My Idaho driver's license came in the mail today. Weird. I also got a new phone number with an Idaho area code. Double weird. I guess I really am an Idaho resident now. Anyways... Let me know if you want the number!
•Cereal. The dinner of champions.
•Got my first big-girl paycheck today! Definitely exciting. Now let's not just think about how I'm now paying more in taxes than what my gross pay was in some past jobs...
•A bit of a rough weekend in some ways, but also full of many tender mercies... including being able to go to two different sessions of the rededication of the Boise temple today. I am so blessed to live so incredibly close to a House of the Lord and am so grateful that the temple is now once again dedicated so that I can go and receive the blessings waiting for me there.
•Crazy, crazy, crazy day at work. My job definitely keeps me on my toes. But I'm loving it overall, anyways. Plus, I got my business cards today! I feel so professional.
•‎"I have learned that the bitter, almost unbearable pain can become sweet as you turn to your Father in Heaven and plead for His comfort that comes through His plan; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Comforter, who is the Holy Ghost... I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said: “I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you..."... I testify that, as stated in Preach My Gospel, “as we rely on the Atonement of Jesus Christ, He can help us endure our trials, sicknesses, and pain. We can be filled with joy, peace, and consolation. All that is unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.”" --Elder Shayne M. Bowen, “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also”
•After 3 months, 7 visits to the DMV and countless phone calls, my car is FINALLY fully registered! Can I please cry tears of happiness now?
•Just won NaNoWriMo! Bam. It ended up being pretty fun, though my plot and characters weren't the best or most original. (But that's beside the point.) I forgot how therapeutic writing for fun can be for me. Let's hope I can keep some of this creativity up, and not just have it reappear every November. :-)

December
•Finally got up the courage to try to donate blood again and was rejected. I have to wait until the beginning of June (a year after my cruise) to donate. Let's hope I can convince myself to try again. But traveling is awesome, even when it may put you at risk for malaria.
•Just bought a space heater for my room. Best investment I've made in quite some time.
•I feel so accomplished. Passed the ASWB Masters Exam that I had to take because I moved to Idaho and finished all my Christmas shopping. And it's only 11:30! Next on the list: going to the dollar theater and Olive Garden. And just having a great day. :-)
•"Our Heavenly Father is aware of our needs and will help us as we call upon Him for assistance. I believe that no concern of ours is too small or insignificant. The Lord is in the details of our lives." -President Thomas S. Monson
•I wasn't going to make it home for dinner before FHE, so I asked my roommate to bring me an apple, so that I wouldn't starve. She decided that I also needed some protein, so she brought me some muddy buddies, too. This roommate situation is working out quite well. :-)
•I made it all last winter without falling on ice, but totally biffed it this morning (in a skirt, no less), after the first real snowfall. I think that sums up 2012 quite nicely... lots of surprises! It'll definitely be interesting to see what 2013 brings.

Camp Kesem

Last week, I had the opportunity to work at Camp Kesem BYU. That definitely wasn't on my original plan for summer, and me getting involved happened so suddenly. I was at EFY in Cedar and heard that the camp needed a therapist in order to happen. And since several different plans I had for that week had fallen through, I decided to go for it.

Anyways, the premise of Camp Kesem is really neat. It's a camp for kids who have a parent who has cancer (whether the parent has died, is currently in treatment, or is in remission). It's run by college students (so it's also a leadership program) and there are multiple camps throughout the nation. It's a basic summer camp, with all sorts of fun and activities (including great things like swimming, crafts, sports, a ropes course, talent show, theme days, and camper names). However, all the kids have one thing in common... having a parent with cancer. And they are able to talk about that at nightly cabin chats and it definitely comes out at the Thursday night "empowerment ceremony" (basically a camp-wide cabin chat that focuses exclusively on cancer). And at the end of the ceremony, a skein of yarn is unraveled and everybody takes hold of it to show we're all connected. It is all then cut up and everybody ties a piece around their wrist. I still have mine on. A nice reminder that we're all in this together.

As for my personal experience, it was a hard week for me. I wasn't feeling well physically during a lot of it, which was really hard. I was also struggling with some other personal stuff. But it was so neat to be there. The counselors and coordinators were all so incredible, as were the kids. I had so much fun with them and learned a lot from them. It was amazing to see these kids just be kids, because so many of them have to grow up so fast in their situation. It was neat to see them realize that they're not alone and that there are others who understand them and their situation. They are so strong and such amazing examples of resiliency and I definitely grew a lot from witnessing that. I learned that I need to appreciate what I have more. I was reminded of how fun and cute little kids can be. I realized that maybe I will be a good mother one day (as that is a worry of mine). And I know that I can be more kind and giving to everybody around me.

Though it was hard while I was there, I am so grateful I went. I highly encourage everyone to get involved, especially since the camp is entirely run by volunteers. Nobody in the camp is paid (including the professional staff, like myself and the nurse). And none of the kids have to pay to go, which is such a blessing, since many families are very strained for cash due to cancer treatments. It's really incredible. However, because of that, they definitely need money and donations to keep going. So if you feel so inclined, a great way to support them is by donating some money so that the camp (and magic!) can continue to happen in these kids' lives.

MSW Graduation

So... I graduated. It's so weird. It kind of hit me during Commencement and I got a bit emotional, but overall, it doesn't feel real still. I feel like I'm just on a school break and that I'll be going back soon. But I won't.

It was great to have my Mom, Dad, and grandparents there to support me. It was sad to me to see how many of my friends couldn't have their families there. It made the accomplishment so much sweeter to be surrounded by people who love me.

As many of the cohort as we could get in a picture.

Mom and Dad.

Grandma and Grandpa.

Proving that it is possible to graduate from BYU single... I did it TWICE!

The dungeon.

I don't know what's happening next in my life. I've never not been a student and part of me is sad to leave that behind. (On that note... please don't let me go and get my PhD just because I don't know how to not be a student.) But I'm excited for this next chapter. I know there are great things coming up and it's gonna be awesome.

Feeling Sentimental

Had my last final ever this morning and I'm graduating in less than a week with my MSW. It's so weird, though I still don't think it's hit me entirely yet. But tonight, it did get a bit more real at the graduation dinner for our program. It was at La Jolla Groves. (And it was delicious.)

It was really fun just hanging out with everyone. But then we watched a slideshow that was put together by the lovely KayLee. It was so fun seeing pictures of us throughout the program. And the awards were kind of funny. (I somehow won the "senioritis" award... I will admit that I was pretty checked out this last semester for various reasons). But it made me super sentimental. These past two years have kind of flew by in the blink of an eye. We've become pretty close as a cohort and now we may never see each other again.

I'm not ready for this. I don't feel ready to be a professional and launched into the "real world." I don't feel ready to move on from being a student. To move on from these friends. From these memories. I'm not ready for things to change. I'm comfortable here right now and I don't want things to change (I think that'll have to be another post).

But it's been an awesome couple of years. I've learned and grown so much. And now I just need to look towards the future, trusting that there are even better things coming my way.

It Gets Better

I've been attending some of BYU's USGA meetings this semester and it's been great to make friends there and learn more. The needs of LGBT LDS members need to be addressed and I'm so glad that the club exists to help with that.. Anyways, they've been working on this video and it's now live. It's too important of a message for me to not pass on.



I highly encourage anyone who's interested to join the USGA Facebook group and attend meetings. They are welcoming of anyone and everyone, regardless of orientation.

Joy Shared is Joy Multiplied

I took my social work licensing exam today.

I didn't tell a lot of people about it because I was scared I wouldn't pass and I didn't think I could face telling a bunch of people that I had failed. (More people did end up knowing then I had anticipated telling, though... I guess I sometimes have a big mouth when it comes to keeping my own secrets.)

But... I passed! (I don't think I can really describe what a huge relief that was.)

Once I found out that I did pass, I wanted to tell everyone! I literally spent a half hour in the parking lot of the testing center calling, texting, Facebooking, and e-mailing family and friends to let them know the good news. I then went in to work and told my coworkers.

Everyone was so incredibly supportive. Lots of texts and Facebook comments and high fives and congrats. And it seems silly, but it was just so nice to know that people care. And that people want to share in my joy.

You know that proverb that goes something like, "Grief shared is grief divided, joy shared is joy multiplied"? It's so true. I've been keeping a lot of my recent grief and things that have been going on to myself... partially because I've kind of had to with certain situations and partially because I didn't feel comfortable sharing. And it's been SOOO hard. I honestly think that's part of the reason that I've been struggling so much... I essentially cut myself off from some people so I didn't have to share. I was trying to hold all the grief by myself instead of letting it get divided. But by opening up with this joy, it really has been multiplied.

Basically... I need to be vulnerable. I need to open up. To connect. To allow grief to be divided and joys to be multiplied.

Because multiplying this joy was AWESOME.

(Also... my roommates wrote me these encouraging messages on the bathroom mirror this morning so I could read them before I left to take the test. And my parents sent me an Edible Arrangement to congratulate me for passing the exam. How awesome are they?)

Trust in the Lord

Yesterday and today was the 182nd Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Twice every year, members of the church gather in the Conference Center in Salt Lake, and around TVs, radios, and computers everywhere in the world to hear what the Lord would have his servants tell them.

I went in with several questions that I hoped to have answered during the conference. I feel like a lot of those questions were answered with the answer of, "Trust in the Lord. It'll work out."

I struggle with that answer.

I mean, I'm grateful to have an answer. It's better than still being utterly and completely lost. But I do struggle with trusting in the Lord sometimes. I can very much identify with a quote from Step 3 of LDS Family Service's Addiction Recovery Program's manual ("Trust God"): "When we took this step, we felt terrified of the unknown. What would happen if we humbled ourselves and surrendered our lives and wills completely to the care of God? For many of us, childhood had been very hard, and we were terrified of becoming as vulnerable as little children again. We were convinced by past experiences that making a definite commitment was nearly impossible, given the insanity surrounding us in this world. We had seen too many commitments broken. We had broken too many ourselves."

Simply put... Trusting God is scary for me. (Especially since we all know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable.)

My home teachers came over earlier this week and shared a message. We ended up having about a 45-minute gospel discussion. Not exactly what any of us planned, I'm sure. But it was just what I needed. At one point in the conversation, I vaguely mentioned my struggles in turning my will and control over to the Lord, which is ironic considering I work my clients all the time in doing that. At that point in the conversation, one of my home teachers asked something to the effect of, "Why would you WANT to hold on to control when there is an all-powerful and all-knowing God?" I said that I was just having a hard time trusting that He is all-powerful and all-knowing, especially given some recent circumstances in my life. I don't get why He would be allowing certain things to happen, which sometimes made me question if He was really there and if He cared. Saying that out loud was the first time I think I truly realized my feelings and what was going on. I hadn't really realized I had some of these feelings of hurt, bitterness and betrayal because I was avoiding them. But by avoiding them, I couldn't work through them... and I need to work through them in order to get my faith stronger. I really don't like the weakened state that questioning my faith left me in.

After that realization, my home teachers and I continued to have a really good conversation and it helped me out a lot. The fact that I need to trust in the Lord was reiterated in a blessing of comfort that my home teachers gave me before they left. The Spirit whispered that message to me once again during this weekend of General Conference. I need to trust in God. He is there. He is listening. He truly is my Heavenly Father and He loves me. He has a plan for me, though I'm not entirely sure what it is at this time. I need to do my part in moving forward, but I need to trust that He will direct me and that my life will turn out much better I could ever imagine because of it. But I need to turn my will over to Him in order to have that happen. I know that turning my will over to Him will likely be an ongoing struggle in my life, at least for a while. But I know it's possible. And I feel a huge sense of peace as I've started to do so, which is something else I've been praying for.

I feel like a fog is lifting from my life. I know I will make it through this and emerge stronger from it.

I feel so blessed.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This school year has been wonderful on so many levels. But I feel like it's also been rough on even more. This semester especially so. I've had so much going on professionally, academically, socially, and spiritually and it's been difficult to balance everything and feel okay about myself and about life. And I feel silly because it's not like anything huge is going on. I look at some of my friends', family members' and clients' lives and what's going on with me is NOTHING compared to that. But it's hard for me.

And it's hard because I've definitely struggled before in my life... but never this way and never this much. Before, when I was struggling, it was more of me just being stuck and then eventually (sometimes very slowly) pulling myself out. But it's never been so much jerking back and forth. And that's hard! It feels like as soon as I am doing okay and actually make progress and take a step forward, I'm then pushed back two steps.

Right now, I'm in one of those okay stages. Actually... better than okay. And it is a wonderful feeling. I've been able to have some conversations with friends that have changed a bit of how I'm viewing things. I was also able to receive a really interesting blessing from my home teachers and it said some stuff that I wasn't entirely expecting that I am now trying to fit into my life. I also just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.

But with my past experiences this year, I'm having a hard time trusting this will last. That I really will be okay for more than these couple of days. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. The two steps back. The kicking me when I'm already down. Which I know is a terrible way to live. So I'm trying to work through that and truly live in the moment. But that's never been one of my strong points. I'm always planning ahead and trying to figure out the next step. But it's hard.

But maybe this is all necessary. As I was e-mailing a friend about what was going on, she had an interesting reframe for me. She said, "The fact that you are struggling in a way that you never have before tells me that you are growing. Doing the work you need to do. Which is exciting! So--and I mean this in the very most respectful way--way to go for being in the right place at the right time learning what you need to be learning right now. As hard as it is."

I'm trying to gain that perspective and appreciation for what's going on. I know that I can eventually be grateful for all of this and become stronger, but it's hard to have that perspective now when I have no idea what's going on or why it's happening and when I feel like I keep getting beaten down. But it'll be okay. It always ends up being okay. :-)

My Favorite Cognitive Distortions

We've talked a LOT about cognitive distortions over the course of my schooling. And nobody is immune. Including me. I know I have cognitive distortions, but I don't think I really realized until recently how much they have affected me.

I've come to realize that I pretty much use all of them at various times and in various situations. (For a list of some common ones and their definitions, go here. You can also research a lot more about them by typing in cognitive distortions.) But some of the ones I use most frequently are filtering, personalization, shoulds, control fallacies, and emotional reasoning.

Today in group class though, it was pointed out that I was using black and white thinking. Which isn't one that I generally feel like I use. But I realize that I do. The way I was using it today was in regards to feeling afraid of always doing something this one way, so I actually end up trying to never doing it. I'm either black or white in regards to it. But there is a gray area. I just don't know where it is or how to find it.

Going along with the same situation I was using black and white thinking in, I was using a ton of emotional reasoning. This is a huge one for me. "I am a failure, therefore I am a failure." "I feel needy, so I must be needy." "I feel inadequate, so I must not be good enough." But just because I feel something, doesn't mean it's true.

I definitely have some work to do in working through these cognitive distortions. What are yours?

Patiently Persistent

In my internship class, we are reading Elder Bednar's book Increase In Learning. We read it for homework, and then we discuss in class how it applies to our lives and the lives of our clients.

I'm not going to lie... it's a pretty deep book. Lots to learn and consider. But I love discussing it with my classmates and teacher. I learn a lot as people talk about their experiences and how what we're reading applies to them. It's awesome. Today, we were discussing Chapter 3: "Prayerful Inquiry: Asking, Seeking, and Knocking." It's a kind of timely discussion for me. As I approach graduation, I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life and that's a little scary. I've definitely been praying about it, but I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. And reading this chapter made me think about approaching my prayers in a different way. To be more active in my prayers and doing my part. The Lord isn't going to help me if I don't help myself. He's not just going to give me a job that I don't search and apply for. I mean... I already knew that, but I definitely haven't been acting in that as much as I should. And so that idea definitely stood out to me as I read the chapter over the weekend.

But what struck me the most in class today was when somebody pointed out that there was a quote from the book that said, "The persistence highlighted in the preceding verses should be complemented with patience and long-suffering." In my personal reading of the chapter, I hadn't caught that. So when my classmate started talking about what that meant I was dumbstruck by it. I actually took the discussion back to that because it seriously blew my mind and I needed to discuss it further.

In my mind, persistence and patience have always been on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. You do one or the other. Never both. I'm either pursuing something relentlessly or I'm sitting around and doing nothing (which is sometimes how I think of patience... even though I know that's not right). It's very dichotomous to me. But that's not actually how it works. We're supposed to be patient AND persistent. At the same time. They WORK TOGETHER! This is a total and complete paradigm shift for me. I don't get how this works. How can I do both?

But as I thought about it more, I realized that I already do in some ways. In a silly example, I have already started to do this in dating. I found that I was either super persistent in pursuing certain boys or doing nothing ("being patient" as I waited for guys to come and pursue me). But this year, because I was sick of how my dating life was going, I set a goal to on a date a month. This has forced me to get out of my comfort zone a bit and be a bit persistent in some ways. But I also know to be patient in knowing that the timing may not be right for what I want to have happen. I need to do my part (persistence), but I need to trust in the Lord to do His part (patience, as I "wait on the Lord").

This also fits in with my clients. Lots of them have been doing the same thing over and over and over (persistence), but then they give up because it's not working. Or they sit around doing nothing ("patience") without doing their part to make it better. They need both the persistence and the patience working together to make effective life changes.

This also fits into my life as I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing after graduation. I can't just sit around and expect that a job is going to fall into my lap ("patience"). I need to be actively looking for jobs, networking, and applying (persistence). It can be discouraging, but that's where the patience comes in. Not finding the perfect job I'm envisioning when I'm doing my part may mean that I need to wait a bit longer to find that job. Or it might mean that maybe what I think would be the perfect job may not actually be the perfect job and I need to expand my horizons a bit. The patience and persistence work together.

This may seem like a silly blog post because I really don't think this idea is as big to other people as it is to me. The rest of my classmates actually seemed kind of amused that this was such a big deal to me. Nobody probably understands why my mind has been blown as I realized this and as I'm trying to figure out how it all fits together. (I still don't even get why this was such a big deal to me.) I mean, it's such a basic concept, but it really hit me today for some reason... so I thought I'd share.

But seriously. Whoa.

Being Called Out

Today, in my group class, I was called out by a couple of students.

I haven't been participating (as in actually talking) in group much at all. I'm there physically, and mostly mentally and emotionally, but sometimes I do check out. And I definitely don't talk. There are several reasons for that. In no particular order:
1. I have been working through some stuff on my own that I didn't feel comfortable sharing
2. Some of the stuff I'm working through isn't entirely mine to share
3. I don't like revealing a lot about myself to big groups at a time (there are about 18 students in the class, plus our professor)
4. I'm afraid of feeling judged or actually being judged
5. I don't know what to say
6. I feel like everything I'm thinking or feeling has already been said by someone else
7. I don't want to take up time or make people listen when they don't want to
8. I tend to detach myself from others when I'm going through things
9. I have definite walls up since I've been hurt before.
10. I don't want to get emotional, which I know may happen if I do talk

But someone called me out on not talking, and when I gave an evasive answer about how I've been dealing with stuff, someone else called me out and asked what was going on.

So I shared.

I was still kind of vague, but I shared.

That was a big step for me.

It was scary. I let these people in through some of my walls, which is something I'm quite hesitant to do. As much as I want to let people in, since I do want to be close to others, it scares me. As I was talking today, it was hard as some people reacted to what I was saying. Some people told me what they've been observing from me this year and it confirmed some things I had been feeling about myself and that was hard to hear. As I've been trying to protect myself, I've unintentionally hurt others. Right now, I'm not the person I want to be. I know that. And other people are seeing that, too. That's hard.

But I'm glad I shared. I'm glad I was called out. I'm glad the group was supportive and listened and helped me work through my issues a bit more. I know that I'm moving in the right direction, even though I'm not entirely sure of the destination.

But honestly... life is good right now. Yeah, life is a bit crazy with school and work and social life and I still sometimes feel like a terribly inadequate therapist and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. But I'm still feeling good overall about life and just at peace. Plus... my roommates are wonderful and we laugh and joke about buying the condo below us and only renting to cute single boys. And we plan trips for summer and our futures. It's so nice to have them as a support. And it's good to have my friends in my cohort be there for me, too.

A Burnt Ant

I was talking to one of my teachers today and expressed what a hard time I'm having in my life right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I expressed to her that I'm not even sure if I want to be a therapist anymore. The idea of doing another two years of therapy in order to get my "L" is almost enough to push me over the edge.

She smiled, and in her kind and empathic way, told me that I am not alone. She reminded me that she told us last semester that we would hit about mid-February this semester and just want to be done with everything. We all kind of laughed at that, but she was right. I'm not denying the fact that the program has been challenging up to this point. The first couple of semesters were hard academically. The third semester (my full-time internship at the state hospital) was a little draining emotionally as I dealt with people all day and got my real first exposure to the social work profession. Last semester was challenging became it combined the two... challenging academics, as well as draining and emotional work. But this semester, I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I am just drained. I am physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually spent. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air, look toward the sky, and say, "Really, Heavenly Father? Really? This, too?" And I'm just sometimes not sure how much else I can handle. It's HARD. I don't think I've ever gotten so many Priesthood blessings (or even considered getting Priesthood blessings) as often as I have this past semester or two. I haven't had all my emotions this close to the surface in a really long time. I haven't doubted myself or my faith this much since high school.

My teacher acknowledged that it is hard. But then she gave a bit of analogy that made me smile. She said that we are like ants. And there are many times in our lives that we (as ants) run across the really hot pavement and it's rough. But she says in grad school, it's like there's a huge magnifying glass that takes all that extra heat and radiates it back on us and fries us to a crisp. (Not the most uplifting analogy, I know.) But she explained that there will be no other time in my life that the stress and craziness will be this intense long-term. She didn't deny that there will be hot walks across the pavement in the future. But the magnifying glass will be gone. There will be pain and trials and hard things. But they will generally be not so intense and not so long-term. She said that nothing in her life (and she's been through a lot) compares to how hard grad school was, especially in the last semester. That reassurance meant a lot. If I can just hold on to that hope for another 51 days, I just might make it. Plus, with that reassurance, I know that I'm not crazy. Because if that weren't the case, I'd be extremely tempted to diagnose myself with some fun mental disorders. But really, it's just the constant stress and pressure that's making me crazy.

One other thing she told me that helped is to not compare my pain to anybody else's. I've been struggling with the fact that I've been feeling crazy with everything going on and then feeling bad that I'm even complaining about what I'm going through. I see what my clients are going through. What some of my friends and family members are going through. And I feel stupid for thinking my "problems" are anything bad at all. And I feel like my breaking point may be somebody else's normal day-to-day life that they can handle without giving a second thought. So why should I even be tempted to complain? But it's also true in reverse... what's their breaking point, I may be able to handle just fine. But does that matter? We are not in a competition to see who can hurt the most. Pain is pain, no matter the cause.

But honestly... I'm doing okay. It's really has been rough off-and-on the past few weeks. I've definitely been feeling like a burnt ant some. (Okay... maybe a lot.) But I am going to hold on to the hope that this isn't going to last forever. And that I can then go back to being a regular ant that scurries over hot pavement sometimes, but spends most of the time in cooler areas. And I am so grateful for supportive friends, family, roommates, and teachers who are helping me through. And of course, I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father, who is there for me, even though sometimes I do wonder why He is putting me through so much right now and I sometimes question if I can really handle it. But I know He won't give me more than I am able to deal with. I will be able to make it through and emerge stronger and better for it. And I hope to be able to look back at this point in my life and be grateful for my pain I'm going through because it will have made me who I am.

Also... one last thought my teacher gave me that I'll close with. She told me to take my AmeriCorps money and go on a cruise after graduation. Recharge. And not make any hasty decisions about never doing therapy again. I may just have to follow that advice...

Sometimes Being a Therapist is Hard

Sometimes being a therapist is hard.

When I say that, most people think about how draining dealing with people's problems all day must be. And that is hard sometimes. But that's another post for another day.

This week, I've started to realize how hard therapy is in the fact that you have to all your own work done. In dealing with people's crap all today, you have to be very much aware of your own crap and how it's affecting you. My professors have told me this constantly since I started in the program. But I just didn't get it until this week. And that's not something I'm very good at, apparently.

I tend to avoid my own issues. I busy myself in taking care of others or by just zoning out by reading or watching TV, so I don't actually DEAL with the things going on in my life that are bothering me. This strategy works for a while. But then the issues resurface a million times stronger. This manifested itself yesterday in my group class, when I was called out by a fellow student in group, saying, "I miss you." I just wasn't there mentally or emotionally. I had checked out. Because that's how I tend to deal with things. I shut down.

It also manifested itself with when I was with a client today. I found myself constantly distracted by some stuff going on in my own life. I had to focus with all my energy to pull myself back to what she was saying. I feel like an awful therapist for that. I should've been able to be there for her. And I was... but not completely. Because my own issues were getting in the way.

I'm also a little worried for a session Monday. With some things going on in my life right now, there is serious potential for countertransference. But I hope to at least start to work through these issues over the weekend so I can be an effective therapist once again come Monday.

I definitely have some work to do.

The Strength of Vulnerabilty

I've been working on this post for weeks, but I can't quite seem to get my words right. The idea of vulnerability has been on my mind ever since one of my teachers mentioned that being vulnerable is actually showing strength. That really took me aback. Strength in vulnerability? Isn't that contradictory? Our society values strength. And to many people, strength means emotional disengagement. It means not crying. Not showing any "bad" emotions. You can't seem needy, because you need to be independent. But is that truly strength?

I hate being vulnerable. Which is ironic, because as a social worker, I kind of demand that my clients be vulnerable. I can't help them as effectively if I don't know what's really going on. But I'm a hypocrite. I struggle opening up to others. I HATE letting people see me cry or letting them know I'm struggling. But if I'm not open and real, people can't help me. And they want to. Which is something I struggle to realize sometimes. But it's HARD to be vulnerable. There's an inherent risk in being vulnerable. You may get rejected. And rejection SUCKS... no matter if it's going in for a hug and the person turning away or telling a guy you like him and him not reciprocating the feeling. It's even worse when the person who rejects you has been let in past your "walls" and seen your not-so-pretty sides. It's also hard because, as a friend recently expressed to me, "I don't like telling people things because I don't know what they'll do with the information." Once you open yourself up, you have no idea what will happen. People may then reject you because they've seen an imperfect you. They may break your trust by sharing this personal information. So why on earth would you want to be vulnerable? Why on earth would you let people past your defenses and walls when you've been burned before?

For me, it's because I crave closeness. But it's more than that. I've come to realize that the only times I've grown has been times I've been vulnerable. The only time I've had valuable friendships is when I open up and let them see parts of me that I don't necessarily want them to see. (That's partially why I've been so close and had such good relationships with my roommates this year... I've been vulnerable with them.) The only time I feel close to God is when I pour my heart out to Him... all my pains, hurts, and desires. He can then direct me because I am being vulnerable and open. If I close myself off by not expressing myself, I become hardened. This applies in other relationships, too--when I close myself off from feeling the "bad" emotions, I can't very well feel the "good" ones. I end up floating through life, because I don't really feel anything. Which is hard for me. I, of course, want to feel the "good" emotions. I want to be happy, excited, fulfilled, hopeful, loved. But I've come to the realization, I can't feel those emotions if I don't also allow myself to feel sadness, pain, hurt, misery, frustration, and anger. It sucks sometimes. But if I close myself off to the "bad" emotions, then I can't feel the "good" ones. So when I let myself feel the not-so-fun emotions, and when I express them to others, I start to FEEL again. I stop floating through life and I feel needed and wanted. I feel connected. I'm someone who wants connection. Someone who CRAVES it. (It causes serious problems if I'm not careful.) But when I'm floating through life like that, I feel useless. There's not point for me in life if I'm not connected.

But I don't know how to balance the line of being connected and not getting hurt. And that's why vulnerability sucks. If you risk being connected, you risk getting hurt. But if you don't risk getting hurt, you'll never be connected. You'll never truly feel close to anyone. You feel alone. Lost. Unnoticed. Forgotten. And that's one of the deepest hells I've ever experienced.

That's why vulnerability isn't weakness. It's an incredible strength. Because by showing vulnerability, you can become connected. You can be supported. You can feel LOVE.

But being vulnerable is still a hard thing for me to do. Even when I sense an opportunity to be vulnerable, I generally shy away. Shut down. Gloss over. Run away. But I just end up making myself more miserable. Because I want that connection. I want that closeness. I want that love. I experienced that a bit in my group class today. Some people were really opening up and being vulnerable... and I just didn't know how. I just shied away and shut down for pretty much the rest of class. A few of my friends could tell that something was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. So I just sat there and listened as other people expressed their difficulties in opening up, but not relating my stories to them and expressing empathy.

However... My dad recently made the point that good things come only by opening up. Hunger is solved by opening your mouth. Misunderstandings can be solved by opening your ears. Loneliness is solved by opening your heart. But it's hard. Opening up requires risk. What if you don't like what you end up putting in your mouth? What if you don't like what you hear? What if people you open up to make you more lonely?

But what if it does work out? What if you can be happier than you could ever imagine if you just risk a little?

I was able to experience that tonight with a friend. I hadn't talked to this friend for a while and was kind of hurt and feeling kind of insecure about things. But I ended up putting some stuff out on the table that I never really thought I would express. And it ended up being a really good experience and I feel so much more at peace. Because the idea of vulnerability has obviously been on my mind, I was even able to relate it sort of to the massage I also got today. (By the way.... treating yourself to a massage after midterms is an excellent idea.) Maybe it's not the best example, but it kind of makes sense to me. I remember the first time I got a massage and it was so weird to me and I probably kept more clothes on than was necessary. But those massages weren't as effective because it's the exposure (and thus the vulnerability) that heals. A massage therapist won't be able to work my muscles as well if I have clothes over my skin and don't say what hurts and needs to be worked on. My friends and family don't know how to help me if I try to cover up my wounds in an effort to not be vulnerable. But if I risk, tell them what hurts, and show them a bit of my pain, then they can "massage" me in a way, and sort of help me to start on a path to heal those wounds. Granted, sometimes it's going to be painful and hard. But in the long run, that vulnerability does tend to help more than hurt.

I'm not saying it's a good idea to spew all your inner workings over anyone who happens to be near. But you can be real with those around you. Let down the facade a bit. And you can carefully select a few to truly open up to. It's a cathartic and healing experience. At least for me.

In conclusion... I don't know how much sense this made. But being vulnerable is hard. It's easier to not feel because it's not fun to sit in the really uncomfortable emotions that we want to avoid. It's tempting to avoid. To compartmentalize. To pretend nothing is wrong. But it always catches up to me. And that's why I NEED to be vulnerable, to truly feel like I'm living. I need to take the bad with the good. Because the good can be so sweet.

Vulnerability IS strength. I'm stronger when I'm vulnerable because I'm connected and because I'm better able to feel. Being vulnerable isn't being weak... it's the strongest and bravest thing someone can do. And I'm hoping to become stronger.