I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.

Sunday Musings- Jarius

I was reading from Chapter 10 of the Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter today. I normally am able to read it during the lesson, but I was following the discussion more than normal today and kept getting distracted from reading. (Which is probably how it should be. You know...actually paying attention to the lesson.) So I read the lesson after I got home. The teacher had told us that section 4 of the lesson is a part where President Hunter elaborates on a story that was just a few verses long in the New Testament. I love when apostles and prophets have done that... give "the rest of the story" or make you think deeper about a few verses in a way that help bring the story to life. It's so easy to read scriptures as a story and not remember that these were real people and these were their lives that we can learn from. How much do we miss when we don't think about that? I remember when I took a Bible as Literature class at BYU, we spent over an hour during the first class, elaborating on just nine verses of scripture (about Abraham and Isaac). It was amazing. I loved that class. But I have let some of that type of studying and pondering go by the wayside as time as gone one, unfortunately. There is so much we can gain from the scriptures 

Anyways, the fourth section of the lesson gave an example of how to expound the scriptures like that. President Hunter took just three verses from the story of Jarius and delves into it. He gives some cultural/historical background (which can really help in helping to better understand the scriptures) and then he makes the following observation:

"Matthew doesn't give the name of this chief elder, but Mark identifies him by adding to his title the words, 'Jarius by name.' Nowhere else in the scriptures does this man or his name appear except on this occasion, yet his memory lives in history because of a brief contact with Jesus. Many, many lives have become memorable that otherwise would have been lost in obscurity had it not been for the touch of the Master's hand that made a significant change of thought and action and a new and better life." (Emphasis added.)

For some reason, that just sent a jolt through my body. And then I kept reading and another section stood out to me:

"Then comes a great acknowledgment of faith: 'I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.' These are not only the words of faith of a father torn with grief but are also a reminder to us that whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." (Emphasis added.)

I need to let Christ lay His hand on my life, on my faith, on my heart. I've been fighting it some lately. It's been easier for me to get angry and hurt and blame Him for things that are going on that are hard, and pushing Him away instead of turning to Him for help. I wish I could better express my thoughts about these verses and President Hunter's thoughts about them, but it's a bit hard for me to do so. I just know that I need to keep working towards trusting God more (an ongoing theme in my life) and let Him lay His hands on my life. To let Him in to my life and make it even better just because He is in it. 

Four more 101 list things accomplished!

I've been doing things! I have been able to cross off four different things from my 101 list in the last month and a half.

Went to Bruneau Sand Dunes April 29-30 for a ward camp out. It was insanely windy, but it was surprisingly pretty. I didn't expect that.

Went to Coeur d'Alene May 20-22. I was able to go with my friend Sara and we did lots of fun things! We stayed in the Coeur de Lion, the cutest B&B with the most amazing views (and it was cheaper than staying in a normal hotel)! Plus, the owners are great and the food was amazing. I highly recommend it. We spent some time in Spokane after flying in, including eating breakfast in a converted train car, visiting some beautiful gardens and the world's largest Radio Flyer, going in a SkyRide over Spokane Falls, and feeding trash to the Garbage Goat. We also went on a lovely cruise of Lake Coeur d'Alene. Saturday, we went to a farmers market and then went to Silverwood Theme Park, which had some surprisingly good coasters. And I seriously couldn't get over how beautiful the setting is. I've never been to an amusement park that's essentially in the middle of a forest! We also discovered the town of Dalton, so that was cool. Too many photos to pick from of the trip. You can look at them on Facebook. Though I guess I'll show the view from the porch of the B&B. Because it was amazing.

I FINALLY was able to use my Groupon to go on a hot air balloon ride on May 31 (nice way to start my day...it was a bit sad to go into work after...haha). It was really neat. If you ever have a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride, I highly recommend it.

I was also able to get a Watsu massage on June 4 when I was down in Utah. Lori was very good at explaining what to expect and she was very good at what she does. I know it's not what people think of when they think of massage, but it felt wonderful. I love being in the water. But it does put you in a very vulnerable spot. I mean, you're vulnerable enough in a normal massage, right? You're wearing very minimal clothes (or are naked) and the only thing covering you is a sheet. Your therapist then pulls back the sheet to work on certain areas of your body as they touch your bare skin. But with Wastu, you are in CONSTANT contact with the therapist. You're being not just touched, but held, for the entire time. That's not always a comfortable thing, especially in a kind of touch-averse culture. But I loved it and it was emotionally and spiritually healing in a way.

In addition to the 101 list things, I've also been going on some dates with guys I've met from online dating sites because I've been trying to put myself out there more. (Dating is hard.) I also went to Cascade with some friends for Memorial Weekend. It was so beautiful. Being away from "real life" in a gorgeous setting is so healing for my soul. My best friend is getting married in a few weeks and I got to meet her fiance and spend some time with her. I even got a Pass of All Passes so we could spend time at Seven Peaks to relax. (I know I don't live in Utah, but it was actually cheaper to buy a Pass of All Passes through Groupon than just pay a normal admission price. Crazy. And now I have a reason to go to Utah more?) I've taken some fun classes at the Y. I'm trying to practice calligraphy more. And I signed up for a 10K in September. I started training for that this week and I'm kind of afraid it's going to kill me. Haha.