I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.