This school year has been wonderful on so many levels. But I feel like it's also been rough on even more. This semester especially so. I've had so much going on professionally, academically, socially, and spiritually and it's been difficult to balance everything and feel okay about myself and about life. And I feel silly because it's not like anything huge is going on. I look at some of my friends', family members' and clients' lives and what's going on with me is NOTHING compared to that. But it's hard for me.
And it's hard because I've definitely struggled before in my life... but never this way and never this much. Before, when I was struggling, it was more of me just being stuck and then eventually (sometimes very slowly) pulling myself out. But it's never been so much jerking back and forth. And that's hard! It feels like as soon as I am doing okay and actually make progress and take a step forward, I'm then pushed back two steps.
Right now, I'm in one of those okay stages. Actually... better than okay. And it is a wonderful feeling. I've been able to have some conversations with friends that have changed a bit of how I'm viewing things. I was also able to receive a really interesting blessing from my home teachers and it said some stuff that I wasn't entirely expecting that I am now trying to fit into my life. I also just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.
But with my past experiences this year, I'm having a hard time trusting this will last. That I really will be okay for more than these couple of days. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. The two steps back. The kicking me when I'm already down. Which I know is a terrible way to live. So I'm trying to work through that and truly live in the moment. But that's never been one of my strong points. I'm always planning ahead and trying to figure out the next step. But it's hard.
But maybe this is all necessary. As I was e-mailing a friend about what was going on, she had an interesting reframe for me. She said, "The fact that you are struggling in a way that you never have before tells me that you are growing. Doing the work you need to do. Which is exciting! So--and I mean this in the very most respectful way--way to go for being in the right place at the right time learning what you need to be learning right now. As hard as it is."
I'm trying to gain that perspective and appreciation for what's going on. I know that I can eventually be grateful for all of this and become stronger, but it's hard to have that perspective now when I have no idea what's going on or why it's happening and when I feel like I keep getting beaten down. But it'll be okay. It always ends up being okay. :-)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Swimming for 101 List
Completed another one of my 101 Goals. I had a goal to "swim once a week for 3 months" and I did that January-March this year. I really do enjoy swimming and miss being on swim team, but I generally don't take the time and effort to go swimming at the gym because it's easier to do other stuff. (And it's sometimes hard to come up with a swimming workout plan when I don't have a coach telling me what to do.) But it was good. So maybe I can keep the swimming once a week thing up.
Now... This is where I would include a picture of me swimming in high school or something, but I think my parents have all those pictures somewhere so I don't have any... and that's probably a good thing since I would just miss how in shape and tan I was.
Goal for this summer: Get tan again. I miss that. :-)
Now... This is where I would include a picture of me swimming in high school or something, but I think my parents have all those pictures somewhere so I don't have any... and that's probably a good thing since I would just miss how in shape and tan I was.
Goal for this summer: Get tan again. I miss that. :-)
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
You know it's been an interesting day emotionally when...
...I actually use the treadmill at the gym instead of the elliptical. Or the bike. Or the pool.
(Don't worry... I'm feeling better now.)
(Don't worry... I'm feeling better now.)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
My Favorite Cognitive Distortions
We've talked a LOT about cognitive distortions over the course of my schooling. And nobody is immune. Including me. I know I have cognitive distortions, but I don't think I really realized until recently how much they have affected me.
I've come to realize that I pretty much use all of them at various times and in various situations. (For a list of some common ones and their definitions, go here. You can also research a lot more about them by typing in cognitive distortions.) But some of the ones I use most frequently are filtering, personalization, shoulds, control fallacies, and emotional reasoning.
Today in group class though, it was pointed out that I was using black and white thinking. Which isn't one that I generally feel like I use. But I realize that I do. The way I was using it today was in regards to feeling afraid of always doing something this one way, so I actually end up trying to never doing it. I'm either black or white in regards to it. But there is a gray area. I just don't know where it is or how to find it.
Going along with the same situation I was using black and white thinking in, I was using a ton of emotional reasoning. This is a huge one for me. "I am a failure, therefore I am a failure." "I feel needy, so I must be needy." "I feel inadequate, so I must not be good enough." But just because I feel something, doesn't mean it's true.
I definitely have some work to do in working through these cognitive distortions. What are yours?
I've come to realize that I pretty much use all of them at various times and in various situations. (For a list of some common ones and their definitions, go here. You can also research a lot more about them by typing in cognitive distortions.) But some of the ones I use most frequently are filtering, personalization, shoulds, control fallacies, and emotional reasoning.
Today in group class though, it was pointed out that I was using black and white thinking. Which isn't one that I generally feel like I use. But I realize that I do. The way I was using it today was in regards to feeling afraid of always doing something this one way, so I actually end up trying to never doing it. I'm either black or white in regards to it. But there is a gray area. I just don't know where it is or how to find it.
Going along with the same situation I was using black and white thinking in, I was using a ton of emotional reasoning. This is a huge one for me. "I am a failure, therefore I am a failure." "I feel needy, so I must be needy." "I feel inadequate, so I must not be good enough." But just because I feel something, doesn't mean it's true.
I definitely have some work to do in working through these cognitive distortions. What are yours?
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
For Such a Time As This...
There's a line in Esther in the Old Testament where Mordecai suggests to Esther that she was placed where she was, "for such a time as this." (Esther 4:14)
I've been feeling a bit like that recently. A lot has been going on that I don't get why it's happening. But I feel like certain things have happened so that I could be in the right place at the right time... for such a time as this. I've been able to help people that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise if the past things hadn't happened. And as upset/sad/confused as I am about the past things happening, I'm starting to realize that maybe they did happen for a reason. So I could help a friend. So I could learn what I needed to. So I could become who I needed to become.
Sorry. That's really vague. But it's just been something on my mind.
I've been feeling a bit like that recently. A lot has been going on that I don't get why it's happening. But I feel like certain things have happened so that I could be in the right place at the right time... for such a time as this. I've been able to help people that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise if the past things hadn't happened. And as upset/sad/confused as I am about the past things happening, I'm starting to realize that maybe they did happen for a reason. So I could help a friend. So I could learn what I needed to. So I could become who I needed to become.
Sorry. That's really vague. But it's just been something on my mind.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Patiently Persistent
In my internship class, we are reading Elder Bednar's book Increase In Learning. We read it for homework, and then we discuss in class how it applies to our lives and the lives of our clients.
I'm not going to lie... it's a pretty deep book. Lots to learn and consider. But I love discussing it with my classmates and teacher. I learn a lot as people talk about their experiences and how what we're reading applies to them. It's awesome. Today, we were discussing Chapter 3: "Prayerful Inquiry: Asking, Seeking, and Knocking." It's a kind of timely discussion for me. As I approach graduation, I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life and that's a little scary. I've definitely been praying about it, but I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. And reading this chapter made me think about approaching my prayers in a different way. To be more active in my prayers and doing my part. The Lord isn't going to help me if I don't help myself. He's not just going to give me a job that I don't search and apply for. I mean... I already knew that, but I definitely haven't been acting in that as much as I should. And so that idea definitely stood out to me as I read the chapter over the weekend.
But what struck me the most in class today was when somebody pointed out that there was a quote from the book that said, "The persistence highlighted in the preceding verses should be complemented with patience and long-suffering." In my personal reading of the chapter, I hadn't caught that. So when my classmate started talking about what that meant I was dumbstruck by it. I actually took the discussion back to that because it seriously blew my mind and I needed to discuss it further.
In my mind, persistence and patience have always been on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. You do one or the other. Never both. I'm either pursuing something relentlessly or I'm sitting around and doing nothing (which is sometimes how I think of patience... even though I know that's not right). It's very dichotomous to me. But that's not actually how it works. We're supposed to be patient AND persistent. At the same time. They WORK TOGETHER! This is a total and complete paradigm shift for me. I don't get how this works. How can I do both?
But as I thought about it more, I realized that I already do in some ways. In a silly example, I have already started to do this in dating. I found that I was either super persistent in pursuing certain boys or doing nothing ("being patient" as I waited for guys to come and pursue me). But this year, because I was sick of how my dating life was going, I set a goal to on a date a month. This has forced me to get out of my comfort zone a bit and be a bit persistent in some ways. But I also know to be patient in knowing that the timing may not be right for what I want to have happen. I need to do my part (persistence), but I need to trust in the Lord to do His part (patience, as I "wait on the Lord").
This also fits in with my clients. Lots of them have been doing the same thing over and over and over (persistence), but then they give up because it's not working. Or they sit around doing nothing ("patience") without doing their part to make it better. They need both the persistence and the patience working together to make effective life changes.
This also fits into my life as I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing after graduation. I can't just sit around and expect that a job is going to fall into my lap ("patience"). I need to be actively looking for jobs, networking, and applying (persistence). It can be discouraging, but that's where the patience comes in. Not finding the perfect job I'm envisioning when I'm doing my part may mean that I need to wait a bit longer to find that job. Or it might mean that maybe what I think would be the perfect job may not actually be the perfect job and I need to expand my horizons a bit. The patience and persistence work together.
This may seem like a silly blog post because I really don't think this idea is as big to other people as it is to me. The rest of my classmates actually seemed kind of amused that this was such a big deal to me. Nobody probably understands why my mind has been blown as I realized this and as I'm trying to figure out how it all fits together. (I still don't even get why this was such a big deal to me.) I mean, it's such a basic concept, but it really hit me today for some reason... so I thought I'd share.
But seriously. Whoa.
I'm not going to lie... it's a pretty deep book. Lots to learn and consider. But I love discussing it with my classmates and teacher. I learn a lot as people talk about their experiences and how what we're reading applies to them. It's awesome. Today, we were discussing Chapter 3: "Prayerful Inquiry: Asking, Seeking, and Knocking." It's a kind of timely discussion for me. As I approach graduation, I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life and that's a little scary. I've definitely been praying about it, but I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to do. And reading this chapter made me think about approaching my prayers in a different way. To be more active in my prayers and doing my part. The Lord isn't going to help me if I don't help myself. He's not just going to give me a job that I don't search and apply for. I mean... I already knew that, but I definitely haven't been acting in that as much as I should. And so that idea definitely stood out to me as I read the chapter over the weekend.
But what struck me the most in class today was when somebody pointed out that there was a quote from the book that said, "The persistence highlighted in the preceding verses should be complemented with patience and long-suffering." In my personal reading of the chapter, I hadn't caught that. So when my classmate started talking about what that meant I was dumbstruck by it. I actually took the discussion back to that because it seriously blew my mind and I needed to discuss it further.
In my mind, persistence and patience have always been on completely opposite sides of the spectrum. You do one or the other. Never both. I'm either pursuing something relentlessly or I'm sitting around and doing nothing (which is sometimes how I think of patience... even though I know that's not right). It's very dichotomous to me. But that's not actually how it works. We're supposed to be patient AND persistent. At the same time. They WORK TOGETHER! This is a total and complete paradigm shift for me. I don't get how this works. How can I do both?
But as I thought about it more, I realized that I already do in some ways. In a silly example, I have already started to do this in dating. I found that I was either super persistent in pursuing certain boys or doing nothing ("being patient" as I waited for guys to come and pursue me). But this year, because I was sick of how my dating life was going, I set a goal to on a date a month. This has forced me to get out of my comfort zone a bit and be a bit persistent in some ways. But I also know to be patient in knowing that the timing may not be right for what I want to have happen. I need to do my part (persistence), but I need to trust in the Lord to do His part (patience, as I "wait on the Lord").
This also fits in with my clients. Lots of them have been doing the same thing over and over and over (persistence), but then they give up because it's not working. Or they sit around doing nothing ("patience") without doing their part to make it better. They need both the persistence and the patience working together to make effective life changes.
This also fits into my life as I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing after graduation. I can't just sit around and expect that a job is going to fall into my lap ("patience"). I need to be actively looking for jobs, networking, and applying (persistence). It can be discouraging, but that's where the patience comes in. Not finding the perfect job I'm envisioning when I'm doing my part may mean that I need to wait a bit longer to find that job. Or it might mean that maybe what I think would be the perfect job may not actually be the perfect job and I need to expand my horizons a bit. The patience and persistence work together.
This may seem like a silly blog post because I really don't think this idea is as big to other people as it is to me. The rest of my classmates actually seemed kind of amused that this was such a big deal to me. Nobody probably understands why my mind has been blown as I realized this and as I'm trying to figure out how it all fits together. (I still don't even get why this was such a big deal to me.) I mean, it's such a basic concept, but it really hit me today for some reason... so I thought I'd share.
But seriously. Whoa.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Being Called Out
Today, in my group class, I was called out by a couple of students.
I haven't been participating (as in actually talking) in group much at all. I'm there physically, and mostly mentally and emotionally, but sometimes I do check out. And I definitely don't talk. There are several reasons for that. In no particular order:
1. I have been working through some stuff on my own that I didn't feel comfortable sharing
2. Some of the stuff I'm working through isn't entirely mine to share
3. I don't like revealing a lot about myself to big groups at a time (there are about 18 students in the class, plus our professor)
4. I'm afraid of feeling judged or actually being judged
5. I don't know what to say
6. I feel like everything I'm thinking or feeling has already been said by someone else
7. I don't want to take up time or make people listen when they don't want to
8. I tend to detach myself from others when I'm going through things
9. I have definite walls up since I've been hurt before.
10. I don't want to get emotional, which I know may happen if I do talk
But someone called me out on not talking, and when I gave an evasive answer about how I've been dealing with stuff, someone else called me out and asked what was going on.
So I shared.
I was still kind of vague, but I shared.
That was a big step for me.
It was scary. I let these people in through some of my walls, which is something I'm quite hesitant to do. As much as I want to let people in, since I do want to be close to others, it scares me. As I was talking today, it was hard as some people reacted to what I was saying. Some people told me what they've been observing from me this year and it confirmed some things I had been feeling about myself and that was hard to hear. As I've been trying to protect myself, I've unintentionally hurt others. Right now, I'm not the person I want to be. I know that. And other people are seeing that, too. That's hard.
But I'm glad I shared. I'm glad I was called out. I'm glad the group was supportive and listened and helped me work through my issues a bit more. I know that I'm moving in the right direction, even though I'm not entirely sure of the destination.
But honestly... life is good right now. Yeah, life is a bit crazy with school and work and social life and I still sometimes feel like a terribly inadequate therapist and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. But I'm still feeling good overall about life and just at peace. Plus... my roommates are wonderful and we laugh and joke about buying the condo below us and only renting to cute single boys. And we plan trips for summer and our futures. It's so nice to have them as a support. And it's good to have my friends in my cohort be there for me, too.
I haven't been participating (as in actually talking) in group much at all. I'm there physically, and mostly mentally and emotionally, but sometimes I do check out. And I definitely don't talk. There are several reasons for that. In no particular order:
1. I have been working through some stuff on my own that I didn't feel comfortable sharing
2. Some of the stuff I'm working through isn't entirely mine to share
3. I don't like revealing a lot about myself to big groups at a time (there are about 18 students in the class, plus our professor)
4. I'm afraid of feeling judged or actually being judged
5. I don't know what to say
6. I feel like everything I'm thinking or feeling has already been said by someone else
7. I don't want to take up time or make people listen when they don't want to
8. I tend to detach myself from others when I'm going through things
9. I have definite walls up since I've been hurt before.
10. I don't want to get emotional, which I know may happen if I do talk
But someone called me out on not talking, and when I gave an evasive answer about how I've been dealing with stuff, someone else called me out and asked what was going on.
So I shared.
I was still kind of vague, but I shared.
That was a big step for me.
It was scary. I let these people in through some of my walls, which is something I'm quite hesitant to do. As much as I want to let people in, since I do want to be close to others, it scares me. As I was talking today, it was hard as some people reacted to what I was saying. Some people told me what they've been observing from me this year and it confirmed some things I had been feeling about myself and that was hard to hear. As I've been trying to protect myself, I've unintentionally hurt others. Right now, I'm not the person I want to be. I know that. And other people are seeing that, too. That's hard.
But I'm glad I shared. I'm glad I was called out. I'm glad the group was supportive and listened and helped me work through my issues a bit more. I know that I'm moving in the right direction, even though I'm not entirely sure of the destination.
But honestly... life is good right now. Yeah, life is a bit crazy with school and work and social life and I still sometimes feel like a terribly inadequate therapist and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. But I'm still feeling good overall about life and just at peace. Plus... my roommates are wonderful and we laugh and joke about buying the condo below us and only renting to cute single boys. And we plan trips for summer and our futures. It's so nice to have them as a support. And it's good to have my friends in my cohort be there for me, too.
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