Being Called Out

Today, in my group class, I was called out by a couple of students.

I haven't been participating (as in actually talking) in group much at all. I'm there physically, and mostly mentally and emotionally, but sometimes I do check out. And I definitely don't talk. There are several reasons for that. In no particular order:
1. I have been working through some stuff on my own that I didn't feel comfortable sharing
2. Some of the stuff I'm working through isn't entirely mine to share
3. I don't like revealing a lot about myself to big groups at a time (there are about 18 students in the class, plus our professor)
4. I'm afraid of feeling judged or actually being judged
5. I don't know what to say
6. I feel like everything I'm thinking or feeling has already been said by someone else
7. I don't want to take up time or make people listen when they don't want to
8. I tend to detach myself from others when I'm going through things
9. I have definite walls up since I've been hurt before.
10. I don't want to get emotional, which I know may happen if I do talk

But someone called me out on not talking, and when I gave an evasive answer about how I've been dealing with stuff, someone else called me out and asked what was going on.

So I shared.

I was still kind of vague, but I shared.

That was a big step for me.

It was scary. I let these people in through some of my walls, which is something I'm quite hesitant to do. As much as I want to let people in, since I do want to be close to others, it scares me. As I was talking today, it was hard as some people reacted to what I was saying. Some people told me what they've been observing from me this year and it confirmed some things I had been feeling about myself and that was hard to hear. As I've been trying to protect myself, I've unintentionally hurt others. Right now, I'm not the person I want to be. I know that. And other people are seeing that, too. That's hard.

But I'm glad I shared. I'm glad I was called out. I'm glad the group was supportive and listened and helped me work through my issues a bit more. I know that I'm moving in the right direction, even though I'm not entirely sure of the destination.

But honestly... life is good right now. Yeah, life is a bit crazy with school and work and social life and I still sometimes feel like a terribly inadequate therapist and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. But I'm still feeling good overall about life and just at peace. Plus... my roommates are wonderful and we laugh and joke about buying the condo below us and only renting to cute single boys. And we plan trips for summer and our futures. It's so nice to have them as a support. And it's good to have my friends in my cohort be there for me, too.