One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

This school year has been wonderful on so many levels. But I feel like it's also been rough on even more. This semester especially so. I've had so much going on professionally, academically, socially, and spiritually and it's been difficult to balance everything and feel okay about myself and about life. And I feel silly because it's not like anything huge is going on. I look at some of my friends', family members' and clients' lives and what's going on with me is NOTHING compared to that. But it's hard for me.

And it's hard because I've definitely struggled before in my life... but never this way and never this much. Before, when I was struggling, it was more of me just being stuck and then eventually (sometimes very slowly) pulling myself out. But it's never been so much jerking back and forth. And that's hard! It feels like as soon as I am doing okay and actually make progress and take a step forward, I'm then pushed back two steps.

Right now, I'm in one of those okay stages. Actually... better than okay. And it is a wonderful feeling. I've been able to have some conversations with friends that have changed a bit of how I'm viewing things. I was also able to receive a really interesting blessing from my home teachers and it said some stuff that I wasn't entirely expecting that I am now trying to fit into my life. I also just have a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a while.

But with my past experiences this year, I'm having a hard time trusting this will last. That I really will be okay for more than these couple of days. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. The two steps back. The kicking me when I'm already down. Which I know is a terrible way to live. So I'm trying to work through that and truly live in the moment. But that's never been one of my strong points. I'm always planning ahead and trying to figure out the next step. But it's hard.

But maybe this is all necessary. As I was e-mailing a friend about what was going on, she had an interesting reframe for me. She said, "The fact that you are struggling in a way that you never have before tells me that you are growing. Doing the work you need to do. Which is exciting! So--and I mean this in the very most respectful way--way to go for being in the right place at the right time learning what you need to be learning right now. As hard as it is."

I'm trying to gain that perspective and appreciation for what's going on. I know that I can eventually be grateful for all of this and become stronger, but it's hard to have that perspective now when I have no idea what's going on or why it's happening and when I feel like I keep getting beaten down. But it'll be okay. It always ends up being okay. :-)