A Burnt Ant

I was talking to one of my teachers today and expressed what a hard time I'm having in my life right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I expressed to her that I'm not even sure if I want to be a therapist anymore. The idea of doing another two years of therapy in order to get my "L" is almost enough to push me over the edge.

She smiled, and in her kind and empathic way, told me that I am not alone. She reminded me that she told us last semester that we would hit about mid-February this semester and just want to be done with everything. We all kind of laughed at that, but she was right. I'm not denying the fact that the program has been challenging up to this point. The first couple of semesters were hard academically. The third semester (my full-time internship at the state hospital) was a little draining emotionally as I dealt with people all day and got my real first exposure to the social work profession. Last semester was challenging became it combined the two... challenging academics, as well as draining and emotional work. But this semester, I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I am just drained. I am physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually spent. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air, look toward the sky, and say, "Really, Heavenly Father? Really? This, too?" And I'm just sometimes not sure how much else I can handle. It's HARD. I don't think I've ever gotten so many Priesthood blessings (or even considered getting Priesthood blessings) as often as I have this past semester or two. I haven't had all my emotions this close to the surface in a really long time. I haven't doubted myself or my faith this much since high school.

My teacher acknowledged that it is hard. But then she gave a bit of analogy that made me smile. She said that we are like ants. And there are many times in our lives that we (as ants) run across the really hot pavement and it's rough. But she says in grad school, it's like there's a huge magnifying glass that takes all that extra heat and radiates it back on us and fries us to a crisp. (Not the most uplifting analogy, I know.) But she explained that there will be no other time in my life that the stress and craziness will be this intense long-term. She didn't deny that there will be hot walks across the pavement in the future. But the magnifying glass will be gone. There will be pain and trials and hard things. But they will generally be not so intense and not so long-term. She said that nothing in her life (and she's been through a lot) compares to how hard grad school was, especially in the last semester. That reassurance meant a lot. If I can just hold on to that hope for another 51 days, I just might make it. Plus, with that reassurance, I know that I'm not crazy. Because if that weren't the case, I'd be extremely tempted to diagnose myself with some fun mental disorders. But really, it's just the constant stress and pressure that's making me crazy.

One other thing she told me that helped is to not compare my pain to anybody else's. I've been struggling with the fact that I've been feeling crazy with everything going on and then feeling bad that I'm even complaining about what I'm going through. I see what my clients are going through. What some of my friends and family members are going through. And I feel stupid for thinking my "problems" are anything bad at all. And I feel like my breaking point may be somebody else's normal day-to-day life that they can handle without giving a second thought. So why should I even be tempted to complain? But it's also true in reverse... what's their breaking point, I may be able to handle just fine. But does that matter? We are not in a competition to see who can hurt the most. Pain is pain, no matter the cause.

But honestly... I'm doing okay. It's really has been rough off-and-on the past few weeks. I've definitely been feeling like a burnt ant some. (Okay... maybe a lot.) But I am going to hold on to the hope that this isn't going to last forever. And that I can then go back to being a regular ant that scurries over hot pavement sometimes, but spends most of the time in cooler areas. And I am so grateful for supportive friends, family, roommates, and teachers who are helping me through. And of course, I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father, who is there for me, even though sometimes I do wonder why He is putting me through so much right now and I sometimes question if I can really handle it. But I know He won't give me more than I am able to deal with. I will be able to make it through and emerge stronger and better for it. And I hope to be able to look back at this point in my life and be grateful for my pain I'm going through because it will have made me who I am.

Also... one last thought my teacher gave me that I'll close with. She told me to take my AmeriCorps money and go on a cruise after graduation. Recharge. And not make any hasty decisions about never doing therapy again. I may just have to follow that advice...