Tender Mercies

I had a really rough few days earlier this week. Nothing was really wrong, but I kind of felt like everything was falling apart. I was completely overwhelmed with work and school and it was the first time that I ever doubted my ability to complete the MSW program. I doubted my ability to ever really help anybody in my chosen field and felt like a terrible therapist. I didn't think I could ever pass my licensing exam, so the last couple years of my life would be a waste. I felt like I had no down time, to the point that I wasn't even really making food for myself or getting good sleep. And though I was getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night, I was always utterly exhausted. I was incredibly frustrated with boys and my lack of ability to get a date (or even have certain guys talk to me) and my catastrophic thinking quickly led me to the "fact" that I'll never get married. I started doubting a lot of things and I felt alone and helpless. It was not a fun place to be in.

But I am so grateful for the Lord's tender mercies that got me through those few days. For friends who offered hugs and listening ears and who didn't judge me when I was in tears. Who were comfortable just sitting with me in silence or who tried to make me smile by cracking a joke (sometimes at their own expense). For friends who want to fix things, and feel awful if they can't, but who do the small things they can do to help (and those things help more than they'll ever understand). For wonderful guy friends that are worthy priesthood holders and who can give blessings at the exact moment I need one, even if they aren't wearing a typical white shirt and tie. For roommates who make me food because I barely have time to eat (let alone actually make something) and who don't snap at me, even when I'm being a brat and probably deserve a talking-to.

And I'm grateful for the Lord's timing. I struggle with that sometimes. I'm a planner and like knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing. Not knowing where I'm going to be after graduation has kind of thrown me for a loop. Some people have told me that I'm so lucky that I'm not tied down after graduation, because that means I can go anywhere or do anything. And I guess they're right. But it kind of terrifies me, because that means that I DO have so many options. What if I pick the wrong one? What if I can't figure out where I'm supposed to be? I feel like I'm walking in this dark tunnel with just a little light, praying to have more light, so I'll know where to go. And this week, I was able to get a bit more light in that tunnel and now can see at least a few more steps ahead. I still don't really know what I'll be when I grow up, but I do know what I'm doing this summer (just don't ask me what I'm doing after July 21 because then I'll be back to trying to figure out my life). I was accepted to be an EFY counselor this summer. I haven't officially accepted the contracts yet (because I had a couple of questions with the hiring office that I need clarified first), but I'm planning to accept all of them- 1 in St. George, 3 in Salt Lake, and 1 Kirtland. I've always wanted to be an EFY counselor, and I still am having a hard time believing that I will be. Part of me is a bit sad that I won't be around and hanging out with my roommates all summer. But I am so excited to be able to be a counselor. And I feel calm. I know I'm doing the right thing in moving forward with this. If there is even one person that I am able to help draw closer to the Lord, it will have been worth it (even if that one person is me... though I really am hoping to help my groups). And I know that the Lord will continue to direct me in my life. He's led me to the MSW program, to this ward with these roommates, to my internships, and now to be an EFY counselor. Because of all these experiences, I know that He will lead me to the correct job after that. That is such a big comfort to me and I am so grateful for it.

Things still aren't perfect. My problems and feelings from this week didn't magically go away. But I am so grateful for the tender mercies I have been experiencing and that I know I will continue to experience. I am so blessed.