Trust in the Lord

Yesterday and today was the 182nd Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Twice every year, members of the church gather in the Conference Center in Salt Lake, and around TVs, radios, and computers everywhere in the world to hear what the Lord would have his servants tell them.

I went in with several questions that I hoped to have answered during the conference. I feel like a lot of those questions were answered with the answer of, "Trust in the Lord. It'll work out."

I struggle with that answer.

I mean, I'm grateful to have an answer. It's better than still being utterly and completely lost. But I do struggle with trusting in the Lord sometimes. I can very much identify with a quote from Step 3 of LDS Family Service's Addiction Recovery Program's manual ("Trust God"): "When we took this step, we felt terrified of the unknown. What would happen if we humbled ourselves and surrendered our lives and wills completely to the care of God? For many of us, childhood had been very hard, and we were terrified of becoming as vulnerable as little children again. We were convinced by past experiences that making a definite commitment was nearly impossible, given the insanity surrounding us in this world. We had seen too many commitments broken. We had broken too many ourselves."

Simply put... Trusting God is scary for me. (Especially since we all know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable.)

My home teachers came over earlier this week and shared a message. We ended up having about a 45-minute gospel discussion. Not exactly what any of us planned, I'm sure. But it was just what I needed. At one point in the conversation, I vaguely mentioned my struggles in turning my will and control over to the Lord, which is ironic considering I work my clients all the time in doing that. At that point in the conversation, one of my home teachers asked something to the effect of, "Why would you WANT to hold on to control when there is an all-powerful and all-knowing God?" I said that I was just having a hard time trusting that He is all-powerful and all-knowing, especially given some recent circumstances in my life. I don't get why He would be allowing certain things to happen, which sometimes made me question if He was really there and if He cared. Saying that out loud was the first time I think I truly realized my feelings and what was going on. I hadn't really realized I had some of these feelings of hurt, bitterness and betrayal because I was avoiding them. But by avoiding them, I couldn't work through them... and I need to work through them in order to get my faith stronger. I really don't like the weakened state that questioning my faith left me in.

After that realization, my home teachers and I continued to have a really good conversation and it helped me out a lot. The fact that I need to trust in the Lord was reiterated in a blessing of comfort that my home teachers gave me before they left. The Spirit whispered that message to me once again during this weekend of General Conference. I need to trust in God. He is there. He is listening. He truly is my Heavenly Father and He loves me. He has a plan for me, though I'm not entirely sure what it is at this time. I need to do my part in moving forward, but I need to trust that He will direct me and that my life will turn out much better I could ever imagine because of it. But I need to turn my will over to Him in order to have that happen. I know that turning my will over to Him will likely be an ongoing struggle in my life, at least for a while. But I know it's possible. And I feel a huge sense of peace as I've started to do so, which is something else I've been praying for.

I feel like a fog is lifting from my life. I know I will make it through this and emerge stronger from it.

I feel so blessed.