I don't go on dates with guys with girlfriends

I feel like I shouldn't have to say that. But apparently, I do.

Today, I was asked on a date by a guy who was already dating someone else. This same thing happened with another guy last summer. In both cases, I was friends with the guy who asked me and had gone on a date with him before (when he wasn't dating anyone). I want to give the guys the benefit of the doubt because I can kind of see how lines get blurred when you're friends with each other and nothing else is happening between the two of you.

But I turned both of them down.

I almost make it a policy to not turn guys down when they ask me on dates. I know how hard it is to ask people out on dates since I do it relatively often myself, so I have respect for guys who do have the courage to ask me out (especially since being asked out happens so rarely for me).

But really?

I almost feel like I was in the wrong since this guy today almost seemed hurt that I turned him down. Or at least confused... Especially because he had apparently already cleared it with his girlfriend, since we had tentatively set up the date before he started going out with her.

But I am NOT in the wrong here. I feel like this should be common sense for guys. When you start dating someone, stop going on dates with other girls. Continue hanging with your girl friends if you want to. (I actually hate it when I lose my guy friends because they start dating people, so please still be my friend.)

But please. If you're a guy and you're dating someone who isn't me, don't ask me on a date because I'll have to turn you down. And I hate having to turn you down.

However... if you do break up with her and I'm still single... I would be more than happy to take you up on that date offer. :-)

Trip to Kansas

I took a random and kind of last minute/spontaneous trip to Kansas this week and it was so fun. I got to spend time with Danielle (one of my best friends from high school) and her husband and finally meet their baby boy.

Love her!

Went to the Kansas City Temple open house. It was lovely. I also almost got to see one of my friends who is serving her mission there, but she apparently had done her open house shift in the morning, and we were there in the afternoon. But I left a note for her with one of the sister missionaries who was there and I'll write her tomorrow.

Proof that we actually did go to the temple (I didn't realize until after that the picture of us in front of the temple didn't include the temple!)

I also got to try some Kansas City BBQ. Yum!

It was so nice to get out of Utah, even for just a couple of days. And I liked Kansas a lot more than I thought I would. It was absolutely beautiful. And coming back to Utah, I had the realization that it's going to be ok. I still don't know where I'm going to be living or working in three months, but it's going to be ok. I will be able to make wherever I am wonderful. The idea of leaving here is still a bit scary, but I know that it'll be fine, even if I do. I mean... who'd have thought I'd actually like Kansas?

MSW Graduation

So... I graduated. It's so weird. It kind of hit me during Commencement and I got a bit emotional, but overall, it doesn't feel real still. I feel like I'm just on a school break and that I'll be going back soon. But I won't.

It was great to have my Mom, Dad, and grandparents there to support me. It was sad to me to see how many of my friends couldn't have their families there. It made the accomplishment so much sweeter to be surrounded by people who love me.

As many of the cohort as we could get in a picture.

Mom and Dad.

Grandma and Grandpa.

Proving that it is possible to graduate from BYU single... I did it TWICE!

The dungeon.

I don't know what's happening next in my life. I've never not been a student and part of me is sad to leave that behind. (On that note... please don't let me go and get my PhD just because I don't know how to not be a student.) But I'm excited for this next chapter. I know there are great things coming up and it's gonna be awesome.

Feeling Sentimental

Had my last final ever this morning and I'm graduating in less than a week with my MSW. It's so weird, though I still don't think it's hit me entirely yet. But tonight, it did get a bit more real at the graduation dinner for our program. It was at La Jolla Groves. (And it was delicious.)

It was really fun just hanging out with everyone. But then we watched a slideshow that was put together by the lovely KayLee. It was so fun seeing pictures of us throughout the program. And the awards were kind of funny. (I somehow won the "senioritis" award... I will admit that I was pretty checked out this last semester for various reasons). But it made me super sentimental. These past two years have kind of flew by in the blink of an eye. We've become pretty close as a cohort and now we may never see each other again.

I'm not ready for this. I don't feel ready to be a professional and launched into the "real world." I don't feel ready to move on from being a student. To move on from these friends. From these memories. I'm not ready for things to change. I'm comfortable here right now and I don't want things to change (I think that'll have to be another post).

But it's been an awesome couple of years. I've learned and grown so much. And now I just need to look towards the future, trusting that there are even better things coming my way.

Lent... Part 2

Remember this post I wrote about Lent?

I did it. I went all of Lent without having any desserts... Even though some people thought it was stupid that I was doing Lent, since I'm not Catholic. (I'm still allowed to like the idea behind Lent, right?) And that also means I get to cross another thing off my 101 list.

The first dessert I ended up having after Lent was over was this Reese's egg. It was delicious.



And now my roommate and I are going to kind of have a dessert party. It's gonna be awesome.

It Gets Better

I've been attending some of BYU's USGA meetings this semester and it's been great to make friends there and learn more. The needs of LGBT LDS members need to be addressed and I'm so glad that the club exists to help with that.. Anyways, they've been working on this video and it's now live. It's too important of a message for me to not pass on.



I highly encourage anyone who's interested to join the USGA Facebook group and attend meetings. They are welcoming of anyone and everyone, regardless of orientation.

Joy Shared is Joy Multiplied

I took my social work licensing exam today.

I didn't tell a lot of people about it because I was scared I wouldn't pass and I didn't think I could face telling a bunch of people that I had failed. (More people did end up knowing then I had anticipated telling, though... I guess I sometimes have a big mouth when it comes to keeping my own secrets.)

But... I passed! (I don't think I can really describe what a huge relief that was.)

Once I found out that I did pass, I wanted to tell everyone! I literally spent a half hour in the parking lot of the testing center calling, texting, Facebooking, and e-mailing family and friends to let them know the good news. I then went in to work and told my coworkers.

Everyone was so incredibly supportive. Lots of texts and Facebook comments and high fives and congrats. And it seems silly, but it was just so nice to know that people care. And that people want to share in my joy.

You know that proverb that goes something like, "Grief shared is grief divided, joy shared is joy multiplied"? It's so true. I've been keeping a lot of my recent grief and things that have been going on to myself... partially because I've kind of had to with certain situations and partially because I didn't feel comfortable sharing. And it's been SOOO hard. I honestly think that's part of the reason that I've been struggling so much... I essentially cut myself off from some people so I didn't have to share. I was trying to hold all the grief by myself instead of letting it get divided. But by opening up with this joy, it really has been multiplied.

Basically... I need to be vulnerable. I need to open up. To connect. To allow grief to be divided and joys to be multiplied.

Because multiplying this joy was AWESOME.

(Also... my roommates wrote me these encouraging messages on the bathroom mirror this morning so I could read them before I left to take the test. And my parents sent me an Edible Arrangement to congratulate me for passing the exam. How awesome are they?)

Trust in the Lord

Yesterday and today was the 182nd Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Twice every year, members of the church gather in the Conference Center in Salt Lake, and around TVs, radios, and computers everywhere in the world to hear what the Lord would have his servants tell them.

I went in with several questions that I hoped to have answered during the conference. I feel like a lot of those questions were answered with the answer of, "Trust in the Lord. It'll work out."

I struggle with that answer.

I mean, I'm grateful to have an answer. It's better than still being utterly and completely lost. But I do struggle with trusting in the Lord sometimes. I can very much identify with a quote from Step 3 of LDS Family Service's Addiction Recovery Program's manual ("Trust God"): "When we took this step, we felt terrified of the unknown. What would happen if we humbled ourselves and surrendered our lives and wills completely to the care of God? For many of us, childhood had been very hard, and we were terrified of becoming as vulnerable as little children again. We were convinced by past experiences that making a definite commitment was nearly impossible, given the insanity surrounding us in this world. We had seen too many commitments broken. We had broken too many ourselves."

Simply put... Trusting God is scary for me. (Especially since we all know how hard it is for me to be vulnerable.)

My home teachers came over earlier this week and shared a message. We ended up having about a 45-minute gospel discussion. Not exactly what any of us planned, I'm sure. But it was just what I needed. At one point in the conversation, I vaguely mentioned my struggles in turning my will and control over to the Lord, which is ironic considering I work my clients all the time in doing that. At that point in the conversation, one of my home teachers asked something to the effect of, "Why would you WANT to hold on to control when there is an all-powerful and all-knowing God?" I said that I was just having a hard time trusting that He is all-powerful and all-knowing, especially given some recent circumstances in my life. I don't get why He would be allowing certain things to happen, which sometimes made me question if He was really there and if He cared. Saying that out loud was the first time I think I truly realized my feelings and what was going on. I hadn't really realized I had some of these feelings of hurt, bitterness and betrayal because I was avoiding them. But by avoiding them, I couldn't work through them... and I need to work through them in order to get my faith stronger. I really don't like the weakened state that questioning my faith left me in.

After that realization, my home teachers and I continued to have a really good conversation and it helped me out a lot. The fact that I need to trust in the Lord was reiterated in a blessing of comfort that my home teachers gave me before they left. The Spirit whispered that message to me once again during this weekend of General Conference. I need to trust in God. He is there. He is listening. He truly is my Heavenly Father and He loves me. He has a plan for me, though I'm not entirely sure what it is at this time. I need to do my part in moving forward, but I need to trust that He will direct me and that my life will turn out much better I could ever imagine because of it. But I need to turn my will over to Him in order to have that happen. I know that turning my will over to Him will likely be an ongoing struggle in my life, at least for a while. But I know it's possible. And I feel a huge sense of peace as I've started to do so, which is something else I've been praying for.

I feel like a fog is lifting from my life. I know I will make it through this and emerge stronger from it.

I feel so blessed.