Happy Leap Day/Happy Half Birthday!

So... today is Leap Day. Which, coincidentally, is also my half birthday. I get kind of excited about this because I only get my actual half birthday once every four years. I honestly think it's cooler than my actual birthday. I generally downplay my birthday, but talk up my half birthday. Everybody has a birthday and so I don't like obligating people to celebrate mine. I mean, I love it when people do celebrate my birthday, but I don't want people to feel like they have to do anything. But not everybody has a half birthday on Leap Day, so I feel like I'm more able to celebrate. (I'm cool.)

Today started out rather normal. I didn't have any real plans, but I was just excited I had this special day to celebrate, even if it was just by telling people it was my half birthday. After my emotional purging yesterday, I felt much better today. I went to work. Told people about my half birthday. (They're never as excited as I am.) But I did get a sticker with a frog on it in honor of the day. Went to institute. But then I came home and it was dark. Which was weird because my roommate was at home and I saw her stuff in the doorway. But I went to switch on a light and there was a guy there and I screamed. And then the lights went on and people yelled, "Surprise!" That's right... I had a surprise half birthday party! My roommate is awesome and she created a top-secret event on Facebook and invited people to join in the celebration. She decorated the apartment (including a happy birthday sign, cut in half). She made a cake out of fruit (since I gave up desserts for Lent), and they put 11 and 1/4 candles in it. And we had half grilled cheese sandwiches with three types of cheeses, bacon, and tomatoes rubbed with garlic. And we watched How to Train Your Dragon. (And remember... Toothless threw back up half a fish. Totally fits in with the theme.) It was super fun. (Pictures may come later.)

Also... since today is my half birthday, it means I've been working at LDS Family Services for 6 months, since I started there on my birthday. I can't believe I have less than 2 months left! Time is passing slowly as I'm going through it, but super fast when I look back on it all.

I really doubt I'll be able to have another half birthday that can top this. But we can try in another 4 years. :-)

A Burnt Ant

I was talking to one of my teachers today and expressed what a hard time I'm having in my life right now. I am so overwhelmed with everything that's going on and I expressed to her that I'm not even sure if I want to be a therapist anymore. The idea of doing another two years of therapy in order to get my "L" is almost enough to push me over the edge.

She smiled, and in her kind and empathic way, told me that I am not alone. She reminded me that she told us last semester that we would hit about mid-February this semester and just want to be done with everything. We all kind of laughed at that, but she was right. I'm not denying the fact that the program has been challenging up to this point. The first couple of semesters were hard academically. The third semester (my full-time internship at the state hospital) was a little draining emotionally as I dealt with people all day and got my real first exposure to the social work profession. Last semester was challenging became it combined the two... challenging academics, as well as draining and emotional work. But this semester, I feel like I've reached my breaking point. I am just drained. I am physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually spent. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air, look toward the sky, and say, "Really, Heavenly Father? Really? This, too?" And I'm just sometimes not sure how much else I can handle. It's HARD. I don't think I've ever gotten so many Priesthood blessings (or even considered getting Priesthood blessings) as often as I have this past semester or two. I haven't had all my emotions this close to the surface in a really long time. I haven't doubted myself or my faith this much since high school.

My teacher acknowledged that it is hard. But then she gave a bit of analogy that made me smile. She said that we are like ants. And there are many times in our lives that we (as ants) run across the really hot pavement and it's rough. But she says in grad school, it's like there's a huge magnifying glass that takes all that extra heat and radiates it back on us and fries us to a crisp. (Not the most uplifting analogy, I know.) But she explained that there will be no other time in my life that the stress and craziness will be this intense long-term. She didn't deny that there will be hot walks across the pavement in the future. But the magnifying glass will be gone. There will be pain and trials and hard things. But they will generally be not so intense and not so long-term. She said that nothing in her life (and she's been through a lot) compares to how hard grad school was, especially in the last semester. That reassurance meant a lot. If I can just hold on to that hope for another 51 days, I just might make it. Plus, with that reassurance, I know that I'm not crazy. Because if that weren't the case, I'd be extremely tempted to diagnose myself with some fun mental disorders. But really, it's just the constant stress and pressure that's making me crazy.

One other thing she told me that helped is to not compare my pain to anybody else's. I've been struggling with the fact that I've been feeling crazy with everything going on and then feeling bad that I'm even complaining about what I'm going through. I see what my clients are going through. What some of my friends and family members are going through. And I feel stupid for thinking my "problems" are anything bad at all. And I feel like my breaking point may be somebody else's normal day-to-day life that they can handle without giving a second thought. So why should I even be tempted to complain? But it's also true in reverse... what's their breaking point, I may be able to handle just fine. But does that matter? We are not in a competition to see who can hurt the most. Pain is pain, no matter the cause.

But honestly... I'm doing okay. It's really has been rough off-and-on the past few weeks. I've definitely been feeling like a burnt ant some. (Okay... maybe a lot.) But I am going to hold on to the hope that this isn't going to last forever. And that I can then go back to being a regular ant that scurries over hot pavement sometimes, but spends most of the time in cooler areas. And I am so grateful for supportive friends, family, roommates, and teachers who are helping me through. And of course, I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father, who is there for me, even though sometimes I do wonder why He is putting me through so much right now and I sometimes question if I can really handle it. But I know He won't give me more than I am able to deal with. I will be able to make it through and emerge stronger and better for it. And I hope to be able to look back at this point in my life and be grateful for my pain I'm going through because it will have made me who I am.

Also... one last thought my teacher gave me that I'll close with. She told me to take my AmeriCorps money and go on a cruise after graduation. Recharge. And not make any hasty decisions about never doing therapy again. I may just have to follow that advice...

Sometimes Being a Therapist is Hard

Sometimes being a therapist is hard.

When I say that, most people think about how draining dealing with people's problems all day must be. And that is hard sometimes. But that's another post for another day.

This week, I've started to realize how hard therapy is in the fact that you have to all your own work done. In dealing with people's crap all today, you have to be very much aware of your own crap and how it's affecting you. My professors have told me this constantly since I started in the program. But I just didn't get it until this week. And that's not something I'm very good at, apparently.

I tend to avoid my own issues. I busy myself in taking care of others or by just zoning out by reading or watching TV, so I don't actually DEAL with the things going on in my life that are bothering me. This strategy works for a while. But then the issues resurface a million times stronger. This manifested itself yesterday in my group class, when I was called out by a fellow student in group, saying, "I miss you." I just wasn't there mentally or emotionally. I had checked out. Because that's how I tend to deal with things. I shut down.

It also manifested itself with when I was with a client today. I found myself constantly distracted by some stuff going on in my own life. I had to focus with all my energy to pull myself back to what she was saying. I feel like an awful therapist for that. I should've been able to be there for her. And I was... but not completely. Because my own issues were getting in the way.

I'm also a little worried for a session Monday. With some things going on in my life right now, there is serious potential for countertransference. But I hope to at least start to work through these issues over the weekend so I can be an effective therapist once again come Monday.

I definitely have some work to do.

Lent

My roommate somehow convinced me to give something up for Lent this year, even though neither of us are Catholic. Much like I did for my class assignment in my substance abuse class last winter, I'm giving up desserts. (If I was able to do it for 85 days for that assignment, I can certainly do it for the much shorter time of Lent, right?) My roommate is giving something up else for Lent, but is joining me in giving up desserts as a form of moral support. It won't be as hard for her, though. She prefers salty snacks to sweet ones.

I know it's not going to be easy. I remember the kind of intense cravings I had the first couple of weeks last year when I did my substance abuse abstinence assignment, as well as some pretty intense cravings dreams that I had. It got easier after a bit, but it still wasn't easy... mainly because I quickly realized how key desserts seem to be in our culture. At every church function or social gathering, there are treats... cookies, brownies, cupcakes, hot chocolate, donuts, candy... all so tempting. I rarely will make or buy desserts, but I always end up having some around because people drop them by or have them out when I'm visiting. It may be even harder this year because I have a couple of roommates who really like to bake and because I'm not doing this for a school assignment (that was a kind of big motivation for me). Also, there are ALWAYS treats at work (especially on Wednesdays, when the adoption team is all in and the adoption groups are happening). And my work is awesome and we have things like cookie bake-offs and tailgate parties, which obviously include treats. And I tend to crave desserts when I'm hungry. Like I didn't pack enough food for lunch today (oops) and was really craving a Hostess cupcake... and I haven't had one of those in years.

But I really like the purpose of Lent... The idea of giving up something that is taking you away from Christ. We all have things that we are holding on to that are getting in the way of our relationship with Him. Maybe desserts aren't necessarily doing that for me. But by giving up desserts, I will have to exercise self-control, which will hopefully transfer to other aspects of my life, which will then bring me closer to Him. Or it might at least give me pause when I'm craving a dessert and cause me to think of why I'm not going to give in to that craving and instead think of Him for just a few seconds.

But... I'd be lying if I didn't also have other motives in doing this. By giving up desserts, I get to cross another thing off of my 101 list. (And maybe lose a bit more weight like I did last year.) :-)

The Strength of Vulnerabilty

I've been working on this post for weeks, but I can't quite seem to get my words right. The idea of vulnerability has been on my mind ever since one of my teachers mentioned that being vulnerable is actually showing strength. That really took me aback. Strength in vulnerability? Isn't that contradictory? Our society values strength. And to many people, strength means emotional disengagement. It means not crying. Not showing any "bad" emotions. You can't seem needy, because you need to be independent. But is that truly strength?

I hate being vulnerable. Which is ironic, because as a social worker, I kind of demand that my clients be vulnerable. I can't help them as effectively if I don't know what's really going on. But I'm a hypocrite. I struggle opening up to others. I HATE letting people see me cry or letting them know I'm struggling. But if I'm not open and real, people can't help me. And they want to. Which is something I struggle to realize sometimes. But it's HARD to be vulnerable. There's an inherent risk in being vulnerable. You may get rejected. And rejection SUCKS... no matter if it's going in for a hug and the person turning away or telling a guy you like him and him not reciprocating the feeling. It's even worse when the person who rejects you has been let in past your "walls" and seen your not-so-pretty sides. It's also hard because, as a friend recently expressed to me, "I don't like telling people things because I don't know what they'll do with the information." Once you open yourself up, you have no idea what will happen. People may then reject you because they've seen an imperfect you. They may break your trust by sharing this personal information. So why on earth would you want to be vulnerable? Why on earth would you let people past your defenses and walls when you've been burned before?

For me, it's because I crave closeness. But it's more than that. I've come to realize that the only times I've grown has been times I've been vulnerable. The only time I've had valuable friendships is when I open up and let them see parts of me that I don't necessarily want them to see. (That's partially why I've been so close and had such good relationships with my roommates this year... I've been vulnerable with them.) The only time I feel close to God is when I pour my heart out to Him... all my pains, hurts, and desires. He can then direct me because I am being vulnerable and open. If I close myself off by not expressing myself, I become hardened. This applies in other relationships, too--when I close myself off from feeling the "bad" emotions, I can't very well feel the "good" ones. I end up floating through life, because I don't really feel anything. Which is hard for me. I, of course, want to feel the "good" emotions. I want to be happy, excited, fulfilled, hopeful, loved. But I've come to the realization, I can't feel those emotions if I don't also allow myself to feel sadness, pain, hurt, misery, frustration, and anger. It sucks sometimes. But if I close myself off to the "bad" emotions, then I can't feel the "good" ones. So when I let myself feel the not-so-fun emotions, and when I express them to others, I start to FEEL again. I stop floating through life and I feel needed and wanted. I feel connected. I'm someone who wants connection. Someone who CRAVES it. (It causes serious problems if I'm not careful.) But when I'm floating through life like that, I feel useless. There's not point for me in life if I'm not connected.

But I don't know how to balance the line of being connected and not getting hurt. And that's why vulnerability sucks. If you risk being connected, you risk getting hurt. But if you don't risk getting hurt, you'll never be connected. You'll never truly feel close to anyone. You feel alone. Lost. Unnoticed. Forgotten. And that's one of the deepest hells I've ever experienced.

That's why vulnerability isn't weakness. It's an incredible strength. Because by showing vulnerability, you can become connected. You can be supported. You can feel LOVE.

But being vulnerable is still a hard thing for me to do. Even when I sense an opportunity to be vulnerable, I generally shy away. Shut down. Gloss over. Run away. But I just end up making myself more miserable. Because I want that connection. I want that closeness. I want that love. I experienced that a bit in my group class today. Some people were really opening up and being vulnerable... and I just didn't know how. I just shied away and shut down for pretty much the rest of class. A few of my friends could tell that something was wrong, but I didn't know what to say. So I just sat there and listened as other people expressed their difficulties in opening up, but not relating my stories to them and expressing empathy.

However... My dad recently made the point that good things come only by opening up. Hunger is solved by opening your mouth. Misunderstandings can be solved by opening your ears. Loneliness is solved by opening your heart. But it's hard. Opening up requires risk. What if you don't like what you end up putting in your mouth? What if you don't like what you hear? What if people you open up to make you more lonely?

But what if it does work out? What if you can be happier than you could ever imagine if you just risk a little?

I was able to experience that tonight with a friend. I hadn't talked to this friend for a while and was kind of hurt and feeling kind of insecure about things. But I ended up putting some stuff out on the table that I never really thought I would express. And it ended up being a really good experience and I feel so much more at peace. Because the idea of vulnerability has obviously been on my mind, I was even able to relate it sort of to the massage I also got today. (By the way.... treating yourself to a massage after midterms is an excellent idea.) Maybe it's not the best example, but it kind of makes sense to me. I remember the first time I got a massage and it was so weird to me and I probably kept more clothes on than was necessary. But those massages weren't as effective because it's the exposure (and thus the vulnerability) that heals. A massage therapist won't be able to work my muscles as well if I have clothes over my skin and don't say what hurts and needs to be worked on. My friends and family don't know how to help me if I try to cover up my wounds in an effort to not be vulnerable. But if I risk, tell them what hurts, and show them a bit of my pain, then they can "massage" me in a way, and sort of help me to start on a path to heal those wounds. Granted, sometimes it's going to be painful and hard. But in the long run, that vulnerability does tend to help more than hurt.

I'm not saying it's a good idea to spew all your inner workings over anyone who happens to be near. But you can be real with those around you. Let down the facade a bit. And you can carefully select a few to truly open up to. It's a cathartic and healing experience. At least for me.

In conclusion... I don't know how much sense this made. But being vulnerable is hard. It's easier to not feel because it's not fun to sit in the really uncomfortable emotions that we want to avoid. It's tempting to avoid. To compartmentalize. To pretend nothing is wrong. But it always catches up to me. And that's why I NEED to be vulnerable, to truly feel like I'm living. I need to take the bad with the good. Because the good can be so sweet.

Vulnerability IS strength. I'm stronger when I'm vulnerable because I'm connected and because I'm better able to feel. Being vulnerable isn't being weak... it's the strongest and bravest thing someone can do. And I'm hoping to become stronger.

Tender Mercies

I had a really rough few days earlier this week. Nothing was really wrong, but I kind of felt like everything was falling apart. I was completely overwhelmed with work and school and it was the first time that I ever doubted my ability to complete the MSW program. I doubted my ability to ever really help anybody in my chosen field and felt like a terrible therapist. I didn't think I could ever pass my licensing exam, so the last couple years of my life would be a waste. I felt like I had no down time, to the point that I wasn't even really making food for myself or getting good sleep. And though I was getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night, I was always utterly exhausted. I was incredibly frustrated with boys and my lack of ability to get a date (or even have certain guys talk to me) and my catastrophic thinking quickly led me to the "fact" that I'll never get married. I started doubting a lot of things and I felt alone and helpless. It was not a fun place to be in.

But I am so grateful for the Lord's tender mercies that got me through those few days. For friends who offered hugs and listening ears and who didn't judge me when I was in tears. Who were comfortable just sitting with me in silence or who tried to make me smile by cracking a joke (sometimes at their own expense). For friends who want to fix things, and feel awful if they can't, but who do the small things they can do to help (and those things help more than they'll ever understand). For wonderful guy friends that are worthy priesthood holders and who can give blessings at the exact moment I need one, even if they aren't wearing a typical white shirt and tie. For roommates who make me food because I barely have time to eat (let alone actually make something) and who don't snap at me, even when I'm being a brat and probably deserve a talking-to.

And I'm grateful for the Lord's timing. I struggle with that sometimes. I'm a planner and like knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing. Not knowing where I'm going to be after graduation has kind of thrown me for a loop. Some people have told me that I'm so lucky that I'm not tied down after graduation, because that means I can go anywhere or do anything. And I guess they're right. But it kind of terrifies me, because that means that I DO have so many options. What if I pick the wrong one? What if I can't figure out where I'm supposed to be? I feel like I'm walking in this dark tunnel with just a little light, praying to have more light, so I'll know where to go. And this week, I was able to get a bit more light in that tunnel and now can see at least a few more steps ahead. I still don't really know what I'll be when I grow up, but I do know what I'm doing this summer (just don't ask me what I'm doing after July 21 because then I'll be back to trying to figure out my life). I was accepted to be an EFY counselor this summer. I haven't officially accepted the contracts yet (because I had a couple of questions with the hiring office that I need clarified first), but I'm planning to accept all of them- 1 in St. George, 3 in Salt Lake, and 1 Kirtland. I've always wanted to be an EFY counselor, and I still am having a hard time believing that I will be. Part of me is a bit sad that I won't be around and hanging out with my roommates all summer. But I am so excited to be able to be a counselor. And I feel calm. I know I'm doing the right thing in moving forward with this. If there is even one person that I am able to help draw closer to the Lord, it will have been worth it (even if that one person is me... though I really am hoping to help my groups). And I know that the Lord will continue to direct me in my life. He's led me to the MSW program, to this ward with these roommates, to my internships, and now to be an EFY counselor. Because of all these experiences, I know that He will lead me to the correct job after that. That is such a big comfort to me and I am so grateful for it.

Things still aren't perfect. My problems and feelings from this week didn't magically go away. But I am so grateful for the tender mercies I have been experiencing and that I know I will continue to experience. I am so blessed.

In Which I Fail at Flirting

I went to a lecture on campus this evening for a class assignment. I was playing around on my phone and a guy asked if he could sit next to me, explaining he needed an aisle seat. I said sure and continued playing around on my phone. After a few minutes, he tried making some small talk and we talked a bit, but I didn't really try too hard. In the middle of that, I saw one of my friends and waved her over and she ended up sitting on the other side of me. I talked to her until the lecture started. About 20 minutes into the lecture, I started thinking about the conversation I had with this guy and realized he was really nice. And then I glanced over at him and realized he was actually kind of cute and wished I hadn't been so preoccupied with my phone earlier. I started thinking of things I could say to him, but couldn't come up with anything. And then he left before the lecture was over, so I never got to say another word to him. Definite flirting fail. I didn't even have to initiate! He tried! I'm just boy illiterate, apparently.

Oh well. You live and you learn.

Friend Zoned

I came home recently and my roommate told me that she had a surprise for me. She directed me to close my eyes and hold out my hands. I felt her place something in my hands, then she directed me to open my eyes. I looked down, and I was holding The Fine Art of Flirting. I laughed, because it's a joke in my apartment that I really have no idea how to flirt. It's kind of a problem. I automatically friend zone myself before I even realize what has happened. And once you're there... you can't really get out. (Or maybe that's just me.)

And yes... sometimes being friend zoned sucks. It's hard to hear a guy you like tell you about the girl that he likes and the dates he's going on. It's even harder to have a guy you like tell you about how he just kissed this girl he likes and now they're dating (true story... I definitely cried a bit on the phone as he told me that, but luckily, he couldn't tell). And as much as it sucks sometimes, I generally even actively put myself in the friend zone by asking guys I like about girls they're dating and encouraging them to pursue them. Why?

I've come to the realization that I'm much more comfortable being friend zoned that being anywhere near being in a relationship. I can talk to people all day about their relationship problems. I'm a therapist. It's what I do. I can be a listening ear to guys talking about how they're not sure if this girl or that girl likes them or I can give suggestions when they ask for dating ideas. But actually tell a guy that I'm interested? Never! That's making myself vulnerable. Why on earth would I do that? (If comfort and vulnerability seem to be a theme in this post, I apologize. I've been working on some blog posts about those subjects for a while, but I haven't published them yet since I'm still working out my thoughts about them... but they've been on my mind a lot).

I know this is an issue I need to get over. I need to figure this out and get in a relationship some day. And I'm trying to. I have a goal to go on a date every month this year. (I've already lost my motivation for that, though. Which is problematic.) But for now, I'm much more comfortable not really knowing how to flirt and instead simply being friend zoned and not really going on dates unless I ask (I'm in control that way). So thanks for the book, Sara. I'm sure it will provide a few laughs. But I'm not ready for it.

Peace at the Temple

I've had a bit of a rough week this week.

Nothing big. Just a lot of little annoyances and hurts that add up to a lot of annoyance, hurt, frustration, confusion, stress, and exhaustion. (And lemme tell ya... that exhaustion makes everything else much worse).

But tonight, just like pretty much every Thursday night, I went to the temple. As soon as I was greeted by the man at the front desk who checked my recommend, I felt better. He, like all of "my" temple workers, was so welcoming and sweet. And, I may have misheard him, but I think he said, "Welcome home."

The temple truly is a coming home. It's the one place on this earth that we can be closest to God. I feel so much peace and love there (if I am open to it), no matter what else is going on in my life. While there tonight, I felt the calmest I have all week. I felt at peace. Why? Not because my problems suddenly disappeared. I can reassure you that walked out of the temple with the all of the exact some problems I walked in with. They're all still there. But I changed. I felt at peace. I was reassured that everything will be ok. Why? Because I am not alone. Heavenly Father and Christ are always there to support me. I am SO grateful for that knowledge.

I'm already feeling some of my stress and worries coming back and I've been home less than an hour. I may wake up tomorrow in an even worse place. But I know that things will be ok... thanks to the peace I was able to feel (for even a brief time) tonight.