2016, by the numbers

I really like doing this year-end review by the numbers. Another year on the books. If you have ideas of other things I should track for this next year, let me know. Happy New Year, everyone!

Traveling:
Miles driven in my car: 19253
States lived in: 1
States lived in/been in: 5 (6 if you count the layover in New York on the way back from Brazil)
Countries visited/lived in: 2.
Round-trip plane trips: 3.5
Amusement parks visited: 1
Times driven to Utah and back: 7.5

Work: 
Jobs held: 1
States where I am an LCSW: 2
CEUs completed: 52

Personal:
First dates went on: 10
Second dates went on: 0
Books read: 71 (24,537 pages, according to Goodreads)
Places lived in: 1
Wards member of: 1
Roommates had: 1
Cars driven: 4
Blogs posted: 13
Friends on Facebook: 293
Calligraphy classes taken: 2

Physical:
Massages received: 6

Races run: 3
Run/walk miles logged in RunKeeper: 87.61 (wish I had started logging all my runs sooner... I didn't start logging them in there until my first race!)
Pounds lost since 6/20/16: 17.6

Entertainment:
Restaurants visited/ordered from: 89
Times went out/ordered/got food from restaurants: 142

Movies watched: 32
Plays/musicals attended: 1

Spiritual/church:
Callings held: 3
Blessings (including setting aparts) received: 4
Temples/temple grounds visited: 6
Number of proxy initiatories completed: 99
Number of proxy endowments completed: 24
Number of proxy sealings completed: 7
Live sealings attended: 1

101 List:
101 list goals completed: 17
Novels written: 1

My Year in Facebook Statuses- 2016 Edition

January

• New Year's Eve is kind of weird when you can't watch the ball drop in Times Square because it hasn't happened yet. (I'm living in the future!) In other news, Brazilians are serious about their fireworks! Don't think I'll be getting too much sleep tonight. Happy New Year!
• Oh, Brazil. I already miss you... pretending it was summer, spending time with family, sleeping, reading, and eating lots of yummy food. It was good times. Not looking forward to being back in the real world and winter. But I'm not going to miss how your streets made me feel like I was riding a broken wooden roller coaster. That wasn't good times.
• Hypothetically, if I had been awake for 35 hours (due to traveling or something) and then slept for 14 hours straight, would I be caught up on sleep? You know, hypothetically. :-)

 February

• I need to pick a short quote for a project in my uncial calligraphy class. Any suggestions? Bonus points if the quote really goes well with the uncial style.
• Here's a sentence I never thought I'd say: I joined a guild! I'm officially one of the newest members of Idaho Inkspots. :-)
• Happy half-birthday to me!
• Thoughts about upstairs neighbors playing mariachi music at 11:25 on a work night? For the record, I'm not a fan.

 March

• First car ride with the sun roof open for the year. Love this weather!
• Just did a class at Cutting Edge Pilates. Using the proformer machine was awesome, but my muscles have never shaken that much during a workout before! (Hopefully I'll be able to walk tomorrow.) Awesome workout! I highly recommend it.

 April

 May

• I may have taken a while to join the Y, and I still have to convince myself to go more often than I'd like (let's been honest, I'd rather be reading). But I'm so glad I joined. Everyone is so friendly, it supports great things in the community, and they have fantastic equipment, facilities and classes. I tried the Pound Fit class tonight and loved it. Because if you're going to do bodyweight exercises, you might as well pretend you're a rockstar drummer while doing it, right? :-)
•  A lot of times, I feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall at work. Trying to help people change their lives isn't easy. But then there are some days that make it all worth it. Where some change happens, big or small, and you're able to see that you were able to help make a difference. When you just happened to be at the right place at the right time to listen to and validate someone's story. That's why I do what I do. And that's why I'm grateful for days like today.
• Boise friends... I have a dress that I love that's been sitting in my closet for several months. I haven't worn yet because the sleeves and part of the back are unlined. Any recommendations of who I could take it to and get in lined so I can wear it and look gorgeous? (If it matters, I don't even have matching fabric, so people that are good at finding matching fabric and then altering it perfectly would be great.)

 June

• So grateful for getting what I need, even (especially?) when I didn't realize it was what I needed. Like running into a co-worker at the temple and proceeding to go out for ice cream together after and ending up talking for three and a half hours. My soul needed that. Now let's hope my body doesn't regret the lack of sleep tomorrow. J

 July

• Anybody have a pressure washer I can borrow? If I don't clean my parking spot myself by Monday, my property management company will charge me $35. I tried to contest it, but they say they're going to charge me, because according to them, it was my car that caused the mess.

 August

• Note to self: before you leave to head back home after a weekend away, make sure you double check that you have your wallet. The dreaded five and a half hour drive is even worse when it become a seven hour and fifteen minute drive. But thanks to Julie for meeting me part way so it didn't become closer to nine hours.
• Just ran 6.5 miles with my running group, thus proving to myself that I will not die during my 10K next month. Hooray!

 September

 October

• Guys! Once (the musical) is coming to Boise on January 20-21. Presale tickets are available now, starting at $37.50. Who wants to go with me?
• Debating how crazy I want to make my November. NaNoWriMo again (even though I have no ideas for a plot)? Triathlon in a month challenge at the Y? Or just teaching re-watching all the episodes of Gilmore Girls so I'm ready for November 25? Decisions, decisions...

 November

• Already behind on NaNoWriMo due to my calligraphy class cutting in to what would normally be my prime writing time. I'll have to write double tomorrow. And I'm getting up early to go to my first ever cycling class so I can start hacking away at the 112 miles biking required for the Ironman in a month challenge. What have I gotten myself into? Wish me luck!
• Alright... names of decent property management companies in the Boise/Meridian area. Go!
• To all my running friends: I've been considering buying a GPS watch for a while, but all the Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals are making think it's finally time to bite the bullet and get one. I want something that will do adjustable intervals (not just :30/:30s), has good accuracy and display, will sync with a tracker app (I currently use Runkeeper, but I'm open to changing apps), and has a good battery life. Bonus if it has coaching for running form and can also work for swimming. Any suggestions are appreciated.
• November... You've been fun, but also made me a bit crazy. I guess completing both NaNoWriMo and Ironman in a Month will do that to you. Especially if that's in addition to normal (and not-so-normal) stuff at work, spending quite a bit of time with family and friends, and just dealing with life stuff. December, please slow down a bit so I can feel sane entering into 2017. Thank you.  :-)

 December

• Can we talk for a minute about how I supposedly live in the "banana belt," but it's 13 degrees outside and I was legitimately a bit scared for my life driving into work yesterday with the snow dumping down and cars swerving all over the place? This is going to be a long winter...
• My Skype account has been hacked. I apologize for any messages you got from me. Please ignore/delete them.
• Got on a paddleboard for the first time ever today, and immediately started trying yoga. (The YMCA has the coolest classes.) I wasn't able to do a ton, but I didn't fall in the pool, so I consider that a success. Another first for the day... getting my car stuck in snow. Not fun. Luckily, my friend was able to get me out without too much trouble on her part (and with minimal tears on my part). But if I don't visit any of you that live away from main streets until spring because Boise doesn't believe in clearing roads that aren't main thoroughfares... just know that it's nothing personal.  :-)

In flux

I feel like my life is totally in flux. My roommate moved out. My lease is up next month, and I'm supposed to tell them what I'm doing by the end of this month. My parents are coming home in six and a half months. I'm getting a new boss at the beginning of the year. (Fifth boss in just over four years. And I haven't moved or changed jobs.) Ward boundaries are likely going to be changing soon.

What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Where am I supposed to be? I have no idea. But I'm trying to move forward and keep living my life regardless. So, here's what I've been up to the last few months while I haven't really been blogging. In no particular order:

• I'm keeping an eye out for other apartments, though I haven't looked at any yet. (I think I'm going to pay a bit extra for month-to-month where I am currently until I know ward boundary stuff and then really start looking harder.)
• I signed up for my first half marathon (that'll take place end of April) and I'm still trying to run regularly, even though the Galloway group is off-season right now and the weather is TERRIBLE. How do people run in this? Looking forward to next Galloway season when it'll hopefully be better weather and I'm probably going to be a pace group leader. And I've got some serious training to do to make sure I keep the required 16 minute/mile pace for my half.
• Speaking of running, I ran a couple of 10K races... Barber to Boise and Scheel's Turkey Trot. 
• I did an Ironman in a Month Challenge last month at the Y. (Why on earth would anybody ever do 112 miles of biking? The swimming and running were fine. But biking? Ugh.) And the Ironman reminded me how much I do like swimming. It's just hard to convince myself to get up really early and change into a swimsuit when it's freezing cold outside, even though the indoor pool is great. My bed is just too warm and comfortable. 
• Hit the year mark of being in our new store location. Crazy how time flies.
• Spent time with extended family, both at a funeral in Colorado in October and at Thanksgiving in Reno.
• I finished my Gothicized Italic Calligraphy class and am going to take Copperplate starting in January. 
• I've invited groups of girls over a couple of times now for hanging out and am trying to make more friends. 
• I did NaNoWriMo again in November. I seem to switch off years on having a good idea and then not, and this year was an off year. But I did write 50000 words! So... go me. 

And probably other things. But I think those were some of the highlights that happened while I wasn't blogging. Moral of the story I've learned the last little bit? Bloom where you're planted. Because I haven't really done that since I got my own place, but I feel like I've finally gotten a bit more into the groove of doing that. Only took me almost two and a half years...

Carrots, eggs, and coffee beans

Have you ever heard of the story of the carrots, the eggs, and the coffee beans? (Story taken from here, but there are many other places with it posted.  I'll summarize here.)

The story goes that a woman is really struggling. She goes to her mother and talks about how hard things are and how she just wants to give up. Her mother takes her to the kitchen and fills three pots with water. In one, she puts carrots. In the second, she puts eggs. And in the third, she puts coffee beans. Without a word, her mother just lets them boil. After a while, she turned off the burners and took out the food. She put the carrots in a bowl, the eggs in another, and the coffee in the last.  

"What do you see?" The mother asked her daughter. 

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee." 

The woman's mother brought her closer and asked her to examine the things in each bowl. The carrots were now soft. She broke the shell off an egg and noticed how hard it had become. And she sipped the coffee, loving the rich taste and aroma.

After making these observations, the daughter asked, "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother smiled and explained that each of the objects faced the same adversity but reacted differently. The carrots, which had started out hard and unrelenting, became softened and weak. The eggs, which had once been fragile, with just a thin shell protecting the liquid interiors, became hardened. But the coffee beans were unique...they changed the water and became something else entirely. 

The story goes on to ask... which are you? When adversity comes, are you more like carrots, eggs, or coffee beans?

I remember when I first heard this story many years ago. I remembered wanting to be the coffee beans. (Though in my mind, sometimes I switched the coffee beans to hot chocolate mix. Because hot chocolate is much better. And I didn't want to be coffee... but I could be on board with being hot chocolate.) I wanted to make the best of my situation by transforming it and becoming even better in the process. But I realized that I sometimes acted more like the carrots, becoming weak and losing my strength, and thinking myself incapable of fixing anything.

However, I came to the realization this week that I've changed from the carrots to the eggs. With various things that have happened in the past few years, I've become quite hardened. I feel like I started out soft and yielding, with so much potential, much like the egg yolk and whites inside the shell. But I've let hard circumstances make me hard as well. I've become a bit bitter and tough. And that hardness is interfering with my ability to connect with others and with God.

This is a tough realization to come to. I was sitting in my therapist's office, crying, realizing how hard my heart had become, and my therapist pointed out, "Insight can only take you so far." He said that because this was something we'd been dancing around in therapy, but I really haven't done anything to change that part of me. It feels too big, too hard to change. And he knew that he couldn't push me until I was ready. So now comes the time to ask what I'm going to do with that insight. Am I going to try once again to become coffee beans/hot chocolate mix? Or will I just stay an egg, letting nothing get past my hard heart/exterior, good or bad?

As I was thinking about this and studying it more, I came across a conference talk by Elder Marvin J. Ashton. He explains:

"The heart is a synonym for one’s entire makeup. We often use phrases about the heart to describe the total person. Thus, we describe people as being “big-hearted” or “goodhearted” or having a “heart of gold.” Or we speak of people with faint hearts, wise hearts, pure hearts, willing hearts, deceitful hearts, conniving hearts, courageous hearts, cold hearts, hearts of stone, or selfish hearts.  The measure of our hearts is the measure of our total performance."

So... having a hard heart isn't something I want. I don't want to ever be described as hard. I want to be described as "big-hearted" or "having a heart of gold." I feel like that my softer and kinder nature is what drew me to my profession, and so those would be amazing compliments to me. But I know I'm not coming across that way to people now, and I'm definitely not coming across that way to God. As we think in spiritual terms, a soft heart is one that will listen to God. The "thy will be done" is something I've struggled with a lot of my life, but even more so lately. I've been quite mad at God for the situations I feel that I'm in. I've stopped really working on that relationship with Him. My will wasn't happening, but I didn't want to go to His will. And honestly, I'm still not sure if I want to switch to His plan. Faith is hard. I don't see His plan. I have no idea what it is. And ultimately, I am choosing to follow God's plan, I'm just not going super willingly. Should I really keep trying to "kick against the pricks"? All that does is hurt me more. But my hard heart isn't just keeping God out. I'm isolating myself from others around me.

In a conference talk from April 2008, by Elder Gerald N. Lund. He said,

"Early in our lives, we learn to guard our hearts. It is like we erect a fence around our hearts with a gate in it. No one can enter that gate unless we allow him or her to. In some cases the fence we erect around our hearts could be likened to a small picket fence with a Welcome sign on the gate. Other hearts have been so hurt or so deadened by sin that they have an eight-foot (2.5-m) chain-link fence topped with razor wire around them. The gate is padlocked and has a large No Trespassing sign on it."

Even before these more recent trials, I struggled with letting people get close to me. I'm really good at keeping people out. But I've let these trials make my walls even higher, with even more locks, so I'm continuing to block people out... people that could help me. Love me. Be there for me. I'm not letting myself build friendships and connections. I can't fully connect with my clients when I'm often trying so hard to keep people out and not deal with my own emotions and situations. With these walls, I end up isolating myself more, becoming even harder and even more impenetrable.

So the question remains... what am I going to do to change this? It's great that I have the insight, but nothing is going to change unless I do. So I'm going to work towards changing from being an egg to being coffee beans/hot chocolate mix. It's not going to be easy. It's taken me a while to become this hard, so it's going to take a while to soften, as well. But I do believe that it's possible. And maybe, one day, I can become that truly amazing cup of coffee/hot chocolate, transformed into something so much better than I was originally.

Weekend of Boise Adventures

Last weekend, Karen and her husband Stu came to town, and I got to cross off some of the Boise things from my 101 list (and one big thing that wasn't on my 101 list).

We got to take a Boise Trolley Tour. It was fun riding around Boise and learning fun facts and enjoying the nice day. I think I might have to do that again come Christmas time and see all of the lights.

We also took a tour of the State Capitol. We didn't arrange a guided tour (you apparently need a minimum of at least 5 people), but we did the do-it-yourself tour. And we totally rocked the scavenger hunt that took us to all of the floors.

On Saturday, Karen and I ran in the FitOne 10K. I really don't know how I got roped into that. (Running of any sort was not on this 101 list.) I did the FitOne 5K with Karen last year, and another friend (Celin) said we should do the 10K together next year. I said sure and didn't think much more of it. Unfortunately, Celin has a really good memory and the day registration opened this year, she called me and made sure I was still doing the 10K. I then convinced Karen to come back up and run it with me, as I knew there was no way I could do it on my own. As I was starting to train for the 10K, I realized I was having a super hard time training and just didn't see how it'd be possible to complete it. I then remembered the Galloway group that Karen had been a part of and talked so highly of and reached out to the program director for Boise (Louise) and joined.

The Jeff Galloway Training program is a run/walk program/group and it's totally doable for anyone. (Trust me, if I can do it, anybody can.) I never understood why Karen got up so early on Saturdays to run with the group, but I got really into it.  The comradery with the group is awesome and Louise always plans out really pretty areas to run in (so much better than the boring mid-week runs I do the in the neighborhood across the street from my complex). Your pace and intervals in Galloway are based on how fast you run a mile... my interval was (is) 10 seconds running, 30 seconds walking, and my training pace was (is) 21:30/mile, for a race pace of 17:25/mile (I told you anybody could do it). I know those times aren't super impressive to some people, but I'm not in running to beat everybody else. And as one of the signs at the race said, "No matter how slow I run, I'm faster than my couch." Regardless of my time, I completed a 10K and got a medal! Plus, because of my training with Galloway, I was able to do even better than I anticipated on the 10K, cutting a bit over a minute on my average mile pace than was predicted (guess I am getting faster) and ended up not terribly sore the next day. However, somehow I'm now considering doing a half marathon. And I may have been recruited to be a pace group leader for next season. Yikes. What's gotten into me?

Anyways, I feel like I could talk about Galloway forever. But returning to the race... it was great! It's a pretty course and it was a beautiful day and it was so fun to catch up with Karen. (Another thing that's great about Galloway is you're always going at a pace and intervals where you can still talk, even while racing). It was also fun to cheer in Louise as she completed her 65th half marathon on her 65th birthday. She's amazing.

After the race, Karen and I went to the Discovery Center with Celin and her kids. It reminded me of a mini Exploratorium...a magical place that I have so many fond memories going to while I was growing up (thank you first Wednesday). The current exhibit was about electricity and that was fun to play around with, in addition to their standard exhibits. And I got a smushed penny, which is always a win in my book.

As we left the Discovery Center, we saw people on paddleboats on the little river/pond next to it and before I knew what was happening, we had rented one. Maybe not the best idea after having run a 10K a few hours before, but it was such a pretty day to be out on the water.

That night, we went out to dinner to celebrate our friend Jenna's birthday with her and her husband, and then went back to her place and watched X-Men (and now I just need to watch a movie that starts with the letter Y to cross another thing off my list).

I saw Karen and Stu one more time before they left to head back to Utah, as I made them a bit of breakfast before they left on Sunday. It really was fun having them in town and being able to cross some things off my list. Hopefully they will come and visit sometime again soon. :-) (Also, I promise Stu was around and he does exist, even though I didn't get any pictures with him in them.)

Oh. And as one random side note because I forgot to put this in any other blogs, I did cross off another thing from my 101 list back in June... Get a makeover and buy at least some of the make-up they use. Thank you BareMinerals. I know I'm still not the best at make-up, but it is fun to have some more supplies now and work on that aspect of looking awesome.

Pioneer Day and Enduring to the End

I've been struggling lately... Really, really struggling in so many ways. And some of those ways make it really hard for me to want to go to church. It is a total battle to get to church on Sundays. And that's not something you really go around telling people. And you definitely don't tell people at church, because we're all supposed to be perfect, right? It's hard to admit you're struggling, when everybody else seems to be doing fine. (Though I know logically others are struggling and putting on their good faces, as well.)

So last night, I was pretty sure I was just going to stay home from church. What was the point of going when I felt like I was too far gone? But somehow, I did make it to church today. Part of that was due to seeing a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland posted on The Church's Instagram:

"Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, 'O Jesus, … have mercy on me.' He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek." 

Good quote, right?

So I made it to church. But I'll be honest... once I get to church, I don't always pay attention to what is going on and is what being said. It's just easier sometimes to tune out and play around on my phone than deal with whatever anxiety or not-fun feeling I'm trying to block out. But today, a few things did get through during the talks about pioneers (since today is Pioneer Day). This quote stuck out to me especially.

The last sentence especially struck me. There have been so many times I've wished I could just be done. (Thank you, depression. You're the best.) And because of that, I imagine it would be so easy for me to die a martyr's death. Then you're done! Because of that, enduring to the end is a principle I've struggled with. Forever seems so long when it's a challenge to just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. It is so easy to want to give up. But I've been called to live a disciple's life. So, today, I pick myself up again and continue to move forward.

Getaway to Stanley

I've been feeling pretty burnt out lately and needed a vacation. The problem is, I don't really have any friends that have the same time or financial ability as I do. But I so desperately needed a getaway that I wasn't going to let nobody being available stop me. So I decided to take a little solo vacation and cross some things off my 101 list by going to Stanley.

My main focus for the trip was going to Redfish Lake, which I've heard is absolutely beautiful. By deciding to go so late (like... 5 or 6 days before I was going to leave), there weren't a lot of lodging options left, especially as I don't have camping gear to just set up camp wherever (I don't think I'd enjoy camping by myself, anyways). I guess Stanley is a popular getaway. Luckily, I was able to find a cabin available at Redwood Cabins in Lower Stanley. It wasn't anything fancy, but it's right on the Salmon River, which was perfect for me. The first thing I did when I got there was got on a provided chair on the back lawn right behind my cabin and just sat out and read and listened to the river rushing, the wind rustling, and the cows mooing. It was also so nice to have my window open each night and just hear the river going past. Water is so calming to me.

Seriously...this was my view from right behind my cabin. :-)

I got there Wednesday early evening, and after reading for a bit, I ventured in to town to find somewhere to eat. But one thing I realized is that there isn't a ton of parking and I didn't really want to deal with a bunch of people and I wasn't sure what I felt like eating, anyways. So I just ended up going back to the cabin, and walking to the really close restaurant (Bridge Street Grill) that's also right on the river. I requested a table on the deck so I could enjoy the view as I ate my steak. It was lovely.

Thursday, I got up and went to Stanley Baking Company for breakfast, as it had fantastic reviews on Yelp. I was planning on getting the pancakes, but I ended up trying a dish called Migas, along with a hot chocolate and a pastry called a "Mo' Better" that I think was a cream filled bun with chocolate on top. So good!

After breakfast, the main event was to go to Redfish. It truly was beautiful, and I know my pictures don't do it justice.


It was definitely crowded. I spent most of my time reading by the lodge. I also got on a scenic boat tour of the lake, which was nice. I even got a picture between "Heaven's Gate." (The one picture of myself the whole trip.) I couldn't seem to convince myself to get in the lake, though.


After Redfish, I came back to the cabin and rested for a while, before finally convincing myself to take a shower and go to dinner. I went to The Redd Restaurant, and got an amazing walnut pesto risotto with scallops and tomatoes. And then a chocolate mousse thing for dessert. So delicious! Apparently, they're a kind of farm to table operation and their menu changes during the season. But I LOVED what I got and totally would go back. And then more reading outside after dinner, until a guy came out and started smoking. Blah. So I went inside to continue my reading and eventually fell asleep super late because I just couldn't seem to wind down.

Today, I got breakfast at Stanley Baking Company again, this time getting their oatcake pancakes, orange juice, and a cinnamon roll. Delicious. Then I went back to Redfish, figuring that I needed to get in the water to feel like I can truly cross Redfish off my 101 list. I set up camp on the crowded beach and ventured in. It was rather cold, and the bay area was shallow, so I didn't completely submerge myself (it's always easier to just dive in instead of walking in). But I did get in the water at least a bit, so I'm counting it.

(You can see how shallow it is so far out, by seeing the different blues.)

And then, on the way out of town, I got a four-handed/tandem massage. I don't know how I heard of that type of massage originally, but it sounded so cool... having two therapists work on you at once. It really was relaxing. It probably wasn't the best idea that I then immediately drove back to Boise and promptly tensing up my back again. Oh well. Oh. And I did take a slight detour to check out Stanley Lake. Maybe I'll have to go back sometime and actually get on.

I hope to go back to Stanley someday with some friends. I feel like I would enjoy it more being with another person or a small group of people. It really was nice (and kind of liberating) to spend some time alone initially, but I don't think I'm cut out for long solo vacations. (And this vacation was only two nights! Not long by any means.) I need someone else to help make decisions when I don't feel like it. Or drag me along on some adventure when I'm tempted to just stay and read the whole time. (Of course, reading is good. But if I'm spending money on a vacation, I should probably experience some of the area.) And it's always nice to have a friend when you're at a restaurant so you can try more than one entree! Ultimately... I think I just need good company on vacations to talk to me and make me laugh and have fun with as we make memories together. And besides, trying to put sunscreen on your own back is not super effective. At least I didn't get sunburned!

I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.

Sunday Musings- Jarius

I was reading from Chapter 10 of the Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter today. I normally am able to read it during the lesson, but I was following the discussion more than normal today and kept getting distracted from reading. (Which is probably how it should be. You know...actually paying attention to the lesson.) So I read the lesson after I got home. The teacher had told us that section 4 of the lesson is a part where President Hunter elaborates on a story that was just a few verses long in the New Testament. I love when apostles and prophets have done that... give "the rest of the story" or make you think deeper about a few verses in a way that help bring the story to life. It's so easy to read scriptures as a story and not remember that these were real people and these were their lives that we can learn from. How much do we miss when we don't think about that? I remember when I took a Bible as Literature class at BYU, we spent over an hour during the first class, elaborating on just nine verses of scripture (about Abraham and Isaac). It was amazing. I loved that class. But I have let some of that type of studying and pondering go by the wayside as time as gone one, unfortunately. There is so much we can gain from the scriptures 

Anyways, the fourth section of the lesson gave an example of how to expound the scriptures like that. President Hunter took just three verses from the story of Jarius and delves into it. He gives some cultural/historical background (which can really help in helping to better understand the scriptures) and then he makes the following observation:

"Matthew doesn't give the name of this chief elder, but Mark identifies him by adding to his title the words, 'Jarius by name.' Nowhere else in the scriptures does this man or his name appear except on this occasion, yet his memory lives in history because of a brief contact with Jesus. Many, many lives have become memorable that otherwise would have been lost in obscurity had it not been for the touch of the Master's hand that made a significant change of thought and action and a new and better life." (Emphasis added.)

For some reason, that just sent a jolt through my body. And then I kept reading and another section stood out to me:

"Then comes a great acknowledgment of faith: 'I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.' These are not only the words of faith of a father torn with grief but are also a reminder to us that whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." (Emphasis added.)

I need to let Christ lay His hand on my life, on my faith, on my heart. I've been fighting it some lately. It's been easier for me to get angry and hurt and blame Him for things that are going on that are hard, and pushing Him away instead of turning to Him for help. I wish I could better express my thoughts about these verses and President Hunter's thoughts about them, but it's a bit hard for me to do so. I just know that I need to keep working towards trusting God more (an ongoing theme in my life) and let Him lay His hands on my life. To let Him in to my life and make it even better just because He is in it. 

Four more 101 list things accomplished!

I've been doing things! I have been able to cross off four different things from my 101 list in the last month and a half.

Went to Bruneau Sand Dunes April 29-30 for a ward camp out. It was insanely windy, but it was surprisingly pretty. I didn't expect that.

Went to Coeur d'Alene May 20-22. I was able to go with my friend Sara and we did lots of fun things! We stayed in the Coeur de Lion, the cutest B&B with the most amazing views (and it was cheaper than staying in a normal hotel)! Plus, the owners are great and the food was amazing. I highly recommend it. We spent some time in Spokane after flying in, including eating breakfast in a converted train car, visiting some beautiful gardens and the world's largest Radio Flyer, going in a SkyRide over Spokane Falls, and feeding trash to the Garbage Goat. We also went on a lovely cruise of Lake Coeur d'Alene. Saturday, we went to a farmers market and then went to Silverwood Theme Park, which had some surprisingly good coasters. And I seriously couldn't get over how beautiful the setting is. I've never been to an amusement park that's essentially in the middle of a forest! We also discovered the town of Dalton, so that was cool. Too many photos to pick from of the trip. You can look at them on Facebook. Though I guess I'll show the view from the porch of the B&B. Because it was amazing.

I FINALLY was able to use my Groupon to go on a hot air balloon ride on May 31 (nice way to start my day...it was a bit sad to go into work after...haha). It was really neat. If you ever have a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride, I highly recommend it.

I was also able to get a Watsu massage on June 4 when I was down in Utah. Lori was very good at explaining what to expect and she was very good at what she does. I know it's not what people think of when they think of massage, but it felt wonderful. I love being in the water. But it does put you in a very vulnerable spot. I mean, you're vulnerable enough in a normal massage, right? You're wearing very minimal clothes (or are naked) and the only thing covering you is a sheet. Your therapist then pulls back the sheet to work on certain areas of your body as they touch your bare skin. But with Wastu, you are in CONSTANT contact with the therapist. You're being not just touched, but held, for the entire time. That's not always a comfortable thing, especially in a kind of touch-averse culture. But I loved it and it was emotionally and spiritually healing in a way.

In addition to the 101 list things, I've also been going on some dates with guys I've met from online dating sites because I've been trying to put myself out there more. (Dating is hard.) I also went to Cascade with some friends for Memorial Weekend. It was so beautiful. Being away from "real life" in a gorgeous setting is so healing for my soul. My best friend is getting married in a few weeks and I got to meet her fiance and spend some time with her. I even got a Pass of All Passes so we could spend time at Seven Peaks to relax. (I know I don't live in Utah, but it was actually cheaper to buy a Pass of All Passes through Groupon than just pay a normal admission price. Crazy. And now I have a reason to go to Utah more?) I've taken some fun classes at the Y. I'm trying to practice calligraphy more. And I signed up for a 10K in September. I started training for that this week and I'm kind of afraid it's going to kill me. Haha.

He is Risen

One of my 101 list goals was to attend an Easter or Christmas mass, so I did that today. I went downtown and went to the Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist. The Cathedral is beautiful, both inside and out. It was a neat experience to be able to go and see how others celebrate such a holy day. I wish I had worn different shoes, though. All the pews were full when I got there (after having to walk a few blocks, due to the fun parking situation downtown), so I got to join many others against the walls, where we stood for the entirety of the service. And for whatever reason, I actually wore heels today, instead of my usual flats. Oh well. It was still a good experience.

I went pretty much straight to church right after mass. Sacrament meeting was wonderful today. Along with a couple of beautiful musical numbers, a few different people had been asked to bear their testimony of Christ and the Atonement. It was so simple, but absolutely beautiful and the Spirit was so strong. Because isn't that what the gospel is all about? The good news of the gospel is all about Christ and what He has done for us. He atoned for our sins. He is there to succor us, and has overcome death. One of the testimonies really struck me in particular. One of the men related a story a sister told him on his mission She had someone ask her to consider where she would have been during the Savior's crucifixion. Would she be at the foot of the cross, with His other loved ones and the believers? Would she be mocking Him? Would she be at home unaware? As she pondered the thought, an impression came to her that she would actually be alone in the desert, trying to carry her own cross alone, because she wasn't fully utilizing Christ's Atonement.

How grateful I am for the knowledge that I don't have to carry my own cross alone, for Christ has invited me to take His yoke upon me, that my burdens may be light. I don't have to continue to punish myself for sins I've committed, for once I've utilized the Atonement, they are forgiven. I don't have to struggle alone and feel like nobody understands, because He does. He is there, always. I just need to turn to Him. For He lives.

Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

via

And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

via

I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

via

I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me. 

More 101 List Things (AKA: I really should update my blog more often)

Besides my traditional year-in-review posts, the last time I posted something on my blog was back in September...and that was reviewing the whole summer, because the time I posted before that was in April. Whoops.

So, at least this means I have a list of things I've accomplished on my 101 list since then. I promise I am doing things with my life, guys. In no particular order, I...:

• went on the Thunder Mountain Railroad. (That was back in September. It was a fun experience. Yummy food and beautiful scenery.)
• did glass blowing at Idaho Art Glass. (I made a vase that is now sitting on my kitchen table. I think I now want to make paper flowers to fill it with.)
• voted in person. (in the November elections)
• read Daughters of My Kingdom.
• participated in sealing by proxy. (I was able to do this in Brazil with my parents when we were visiting them, which was really neat. Even though the ordinances were in Portuguese and I didn't know exactly what was being said. Maybe I need to do it in English sometime. Haha.)
• visited Brazil! (Got to go with my siblings for Christmas. It was lovely. Minus the lots of flying to get there and back.)
• went to a NaNo write in. (I went to a write-in and the Bishop's House in Boise, and it was really beautiful. They were setting it up for Christmas and I just hid myself away in a room where Santa would be, and got to write in the glow of the Christmas lights. I didn't sit in Santa's chair, though. That would have been disrespectful. Haha.)
• did a session in a temple that I haven't before. (Went to the Jordan River temple and did a session the last day it was open before it closed for extensive renovations.)
• went to a temple open house. (Went to the Provo City Center Open House. SOOO beautiful! I definitely want to go back and do a session once it's dedicated.)
• followed a meal plan for a week. (Did it, but now I'm bad about continuing to do that.)
• drank a gallon of water a day for two weeks. (Same as the meal plan. Bad at continuing to follow-through.)
• bought a pair of boots. (Granted, they were from DI. But I bought them and I wear them. I am debating buying a new pair, though, which I think is what I meant when I made this goal. But it's hard to find boots I'd actually wear!)

In other news, I'm staying really busy with work and things. I have something going on pretty much every night after work. (Monday is home evening, Tuesday is temple night, Wednesday is institute, Thursday is calligraphy class, and Friday has generally become girls night.) I'm trying to be social. I started online dating, but that's really not going anywhere (which I'm ok with for now). I really started online dating to try to get used to talking to normal guys again (because I feel like I lost that skill since leaving BYU). But all of this is keeping me busy and rather tired. I know I need to get into more of a regular exercise routine again, but it is hard for me when I'm so busy after work, and it's hard enough getting myself out of bed for work... I don't know if I can get up even earlier to work out. I do need to figure it out. 

But life is pretty good. I'm trying to refocus and re-calibrate, especially after a breakthrough I had earlier this week in therapy. (And seriously guys, maybe you won't take this advice seriously since I'm a therapist myself and you think that I have to say this...but therapy is awesome and everybody should do it.) Still trying to figure out exactly how to follow-through though. But it'll happen. Slowly, but surely, I'm making it happen.