Pioneer Day and Enduring to the End

I've been struggling lately... Really, really struggling in so many ways. And some of those ways make it really hard for me to want to go to church. It is a total battle to get to church on Sundays. And that's not something you really go around telling people. And you definitely don't tell people at church, because we're all supposed to be perfect, right? It's hard to admit you're struggling, when everybody else seems to be doing fine. (Though I know logically others are struggling and putting on their good faces, as well.)

So last night, I was pretty sure I was just going to stay home from church. What was the point of going when I felt like I was too far gone? But somehow, I did make it to church today. Part of that was due to seeing a quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland posted on The Church's Instagram:

"Please remember tomorrow, and all the days after that, that the Lord blesses those who want to improve, who accept the need for commandments and try to keep them, who cherish Christlike virtues and strive to the best of their ability to acquire them. If you stumble in that pursuit, so does everyone; the Savior is there to help you keep going. If you fall, summon His strength. Call out like Alma, 'O Jesus, … have mercy on me.' He will help you get back up. He will help you repent, repair, fix whatever you have to fix, and keep going. Soon enough you will have the success you seek." 

Good quote, right?

So I made it to church. But I'll be honest... once I get to church, I don't always pay attention to what is going on and is what being said. It's just easier sometimes to tune out and play around on my phone than deal with whatever anxiety or not-fun feeling I'm trying to block out. But today, a few things did get through during the talks about pioneers (since today is Pioneer Day). This quote stuck out to me especially.

The last sentence especially struck me. There have been so many times I've wished I could just be done. (Thank you, depression. You're the best.) And because of that, I imagine it would be so easy for me to die a martyr's death. Then you're done! Because of that, enduring to the end is a principle I've struggled with. Forever seems so long when it's a challenge to just get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. It is so easy to want to give up. But I've been called to live a disciple's life. So, today, I pick myself up again and continue to move forward.

Getaway to Stanley

I've been feeling pretty burnt out lately and needed a vacation. The problem is, I don't really have any friends that have the same time or financial ability as I do. But I so desperately needed a getaway that I wasn't going to let nobody being available stop me. So I decided to take a little solo vacation and cross some things off my 101 list by going to Stanley.

My main focus for the trip was going to Redfish Lake, which I've heard is absolutely beautiful. By deciding to go so late (like... 5 or 6 days before I was going to leave), there weren't a lot of lodging options left, especially as I don't have camping gear to just set up camp wherever (I don't think I'd enjoy camping by myself, anyways). I guess Stanley is a popular getaway. Luckily, I was able to find a cabin available at Redwood Cabins in Lower Stanley. It wasn't anything fancy, but it's right on the Salmon River, which was perfect for me. The first thing I did when I got there was got on a provided chair on the back lawn right behind my cabin and just sat out and read and listened to the river rushing, the wind rustling, and the cows mooing. It was also so nice to have my window open each night and just hear the river going past. Water is so calming to me.

Seriously...this was my view from right behind my cabin. :-)

I got there Wednesday early evening, and after reading for a bit, I ventured in to town to find somewhere to eat. But one thing I realized is that there isn't a ton of parking and I didn't really want to deal with a bunch of people and I wasn't sure what I felt like eating, anyways. So I just ended up going back to the cabin, and walking to the really close restaurant (Bridge Street Grill) that's also right on the river. I requested a table on the deck so I could enjoy the view as I ate my steak. It was lovely.

Thursday, I got up and went to Stanley Baking Company for breakfast, as it had fantastic reviews on Yelp. I was planning on getting the pancakes, but I ended up trying a dish called Migas, along with a hot chocolate and a pastry called a "Mo' Better" that I think was a cream filled bun with chocolate on top. So good!

After breakfast, the main event was to go to Redfish. It truly was beautiful, and I know my pictures don't do it justice.


It was definitely crowded. I spent most of my time reading by the lodge. I also got on a scenic boat tour of the lake, which was nice. I even got a picture between "Heaven's Gate." (The one picture of myself the whole trip.) I couldn't seem to convince myself to get in the lake, though.


After Redfish, I came back to the cabin and rested for a while, before finally convincing myself to take a shower and go to dinner. I went to The Redd Restaurant, and got an amazing walnut pesto risotto with scallops and tomatoes. And then a chocolate mousse thing for dessert. So delicious! Apparently, they're a kind of farm to table operation and their menu changes during the season. But I LOVED what I got and totally would go back. And then more reading outside after dinner, until a guy came out and started smoking. Blah. So I went inside to continue my reading and eventually fell asleep super late because I just couldn't seem to wind down.

Today, I got breakfast at Stanley Baking Company again, this time getting their oatcake pancakes, orange juice, and a cinnamon roll. Delicious. Then I went back to Redfish, figuring that I needed to get in the water to feel like I can truly cross Redfish off my 101 list. I set up camp on the crowded beach and ventured in. It was rather cold, and the bay area was shallow, so I didn't completely submerge myself (it's always easier to just dive in instead of walking in). But I did get in the water at least a bit, so I'm counting it.

(You can see how shallow it is so far out, by seeing the different blues.)

And then, on the way out of town, I got a four-handed/tandem massage. I don't know how I heard of that type of massage originally, but it sounded so cool... having two therapists work on you at once. It really was relaxing. It probably wasn't the best idea that I then immediately drove back to Boise and promptly tensing up my back again. Oh well. Oh. And I did take a slight detour to check out Stanley Lake. Maybe I'll have to go back sometime and actually get on.

I hope to go back to Stanley someday with some friends. I feel like I would enjoy it more being with another person or a small group of people. It really was nice (and kind of liberating) to spend some time alone initially, but I don't think I'm cut out for long solo vacations. (And this vacation was only two nights! Not long by any means.) I need someone else to help make decisions when I don't feel like it. Or drag me along on some adventure when I'm tempted to just stay and read the whole time. (Of course, reading is good. But if I'm spending money on a vacation, I should probably experience some of the area.) And it's always nice to have a friend when you're at a restaurant so you can try more than one entree! Ultimately... I think I just need good company on vacations to talk to me and make me laugh and have fun with as we make memories together. And besides, trying to put sunscreen on your own back is not super effective. At least I didn't get sunburned!

I am enough

So... remember how I wrote a super awesome, spiritual, and uplifting blog post on Sunday? Remember how I felt that my cup had been filled on the Sabbath and that I called "the sabbath a delight"? Remember how I felt peace about my life and just felt invigorated and prepared to take on the world?

This week has beat that out of me.

And what made it worse was that I just didn't get why. Yes, there was stress at work (one of the busiest weeks that I can remember ever in this job). I'm still not sleeping the best (surprise, surprise). I maybe wasn't quite getting some of my social needs met. But none of that should have added up to make me feel like I had to make sure I didn't start crying because I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

Then, today, I was able to go to a CEU luncheon training about The Daring Way. I love Brene Brown's stuff, and I thought it'd be a good excuse for me to get out of the office and learn a bit more about some of the stuff I've been reading from her books. That's when it hit me.

All this week, all I've been feeling is constant shame. So much "I'm not _______ enough."

Want some examples from the week that I was pummeling myself with? Good, because I'm going to give some to you:

• Finally practicing calligraphy and realizing it really doesn't look that great. "I'm not talented enough."
• Forgetting to mail something by a deadline. "I'm not organized enough."
• A meeting I was facilitator for running over, making me late for my next meeting, and feeling like I was letting everybody in both meetings down.. "I'm not capable enough."
• Not being able to complete a couch to 10K workout I had planned because my knee, ankle, and side really started hurting. "I'm not in-shape enough."
• Not being able to keep my eyes open during most of the temple session because I was so tired. "I'm not spiritual enough."
• A person I'm interested in not responding. "I'm not pretty or thin or interesting or emotionally healthy enough." (Man... dating is rough.)
• Getting together with some friends that are in happy relationships while I have still haven't gone on a date with any guy that I didn't know from high school. "I'm not good enough."
• Doing the worst on an operational review at work that I ever had (even though this was just a "practice"). "I'm not performing enough."
• Running around constantly at work and still feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything of consequence. "I'm not efficient enough."
• Not being able to convince myself to get to the gym. "I'm not motivated enough."
• Someone commenting on me being down. "I'm not happy enough."
• A friend needing comfort and me not being able to give it. "I'm not empathic enough."

....And I could go on. No wonder I was feeling like crap! (Especially when all of these shaming thoughts quickly spiral out of control in to all sorts of terrible "SFDs"!) I was constantly feeling not enough. And with all that shame, I just couldn't function. It was paralyzing and absolutely demotivating. 

But I'm picking myself up and moving forward. Now that I realize what shame stories I'm buying into, I can start pulling myself out of them. And I can keep reminding myself... I am enough.

Sunday Musings- Jarius

I was reading from Chapter 10 of the Teaching of the Presidents of the Church: Howard W. Hunter today. I normally am able to read it during the lesson, but I was following the discussion more than normal today and kept getting distracted from reading. (Which is probably how it should be. You know...actually paying attention to the lesson.) So I read the lesson after I got home. The teacher had told us that section 4 of the lesson is a part where President Hunter elaborates on a story that was just a few verses long in the New Testament. I love when apostles and prophets have done that... give "the rest of the story" or make you think deeper about a few verses in a way that help bring the story to life. It's so easy to read scriptures as a story and not remember that these were real people and these were their lives that we can learn from. How much do we miss when we don't think about that? I remember when I took a Bible as Literature class at BYU, we spent over an hour during the first class, elaborating on just nine verses of scripture (about Abraham and Isaac). It was amazing. I loved that class. But I have let some of that type of studying and pondering go by the wayside as time as gone one, unfortunately. There is so much we can gain from the scriptures 

Anyways, the fourth section of the lesson gave an example of how to expound the scriptures like that. President Hunter took just three verses from the story of Jarius and delves into it. He gives some cultural/historical background (which can really help in helping to better understand the scriptures) and then he makes the following observation:

"Matthew doesn't give the name of this chief elder, but Mark identifies him by adding to his title the words, 'Jarius by name.' Nowhere else in the scriptures does this man or his name appear except on this occasion, yet his memory lives in history because of a brief contact with Jesus. Many, many lives have become memorable that otherwise would have been lost in obscurity had it not been for the touch of the Master's hand that made a significant change of thought and action and a new and better life." (Emphasis added.)

For some reason, that just sent a jolt through my body. And then I kept reading and another section stood out to me:

"Then comes a great acknowledgment of faith: 'I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.' These are not only the words of faith of a father torn with grief but are also a reminder to us that whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives." (Emphasis added.)

I need to let Christ lay His hand on my life, on my faith, on my heart. I've been fighting it some lately. It's been easier for me to get angry and hurt and blame Him for things that are going on that are hard, and pushing Him away instead of turning to Him for help. I wish I could better express my thoughts about these verses and President Hunter's thoughts about them, but it's a bit hard for me to do so. I just know that I need to keep working towards trusting God more (an ongoing theme in my life) and let Him lay His hands on my life. To let Him in to my life and make it even better just because He is in it. 

Four more 101 list things accomplished!

I've been doing things! I have been able to cross off four different things from my 101 list in the last month and a half.

Went to Bruneau Sand Dunes April 29-30 for a ward camp out. It was insanely windy, but it was surprisingly pretty. I didn't expect that.

Went to Coeur d'Alene May 20-22. I was able to go with my friend Sara and we did lots of fun things! We stayed in the Coeur de Lion, the cutest B&B with the most amazing views (and it was cheaper than staying in a normal hotel)! Plus, the owners are great and the food was amazing. I highly recommend it. We spent some time in Spokane after flying in, including eating breakfast in a converted train car, visiting some beautiful gardens and the world's largest Radio Flyer, going in a SkyRide over Spokane Falls, and feeding trash to the Garbage Goat. We also went on a lovely cruise of Lake Coeur d'Alene. Saturday, we went to a farmers market and then went to Silverwood Theme Park, which had some surprisingly good coasters. And I seriously couldn't get over how beautiful the setting is. I've never been to an amusement park that's essentially in the middle of a forest! We also discovered the town of Dalton, so that was cool. Too many photos to pick from of the trip. You can look at them on Facebook. Though I guess I'll show the view from the porch of the B&B. Because it was amazing.

I FINALLY was able to use my Groupon to go on a hot air balloon ride on May 31 (nice way to start my day...it was a bit sad to go into work after...haha). It was really neat. If you ever have a chance to go on a hot air balloon ride, I highly recommend it.

I was also able to get a Watsu massage on June 4 when I was down in Utah. Lori was very good at explaining what to expect and she was very good at what she does. I know it's not what people think of when they think of massage, but it felt wonderful. I love being in the water. But it does put you in a very vulnerable spot. I mean, you're vulnerable enough in a normal massage, right? You're wearing very minimal clothes (or are naked) and the only thing covering you is a sheet. Your therapist then pulls back the sheet to work on certain areas of your body as they touch your bare skin. But with Wastu, you are in CONSTANT contact with the therapist. You're being not just touched, but held, for the entire time. That's not always a comfortable thing, especially in a kind of touch-averse culture. But I loved it and it was emotionally and spiritually healing in a way.

In addition to the 101 list things, I've also been going on some dates with guys I've met from online dating sites because I've been trying to put myself out there more. (Dating is hard.) I also went to Cascade with some friends for Memorial Weekend. It was so beautiful. Being away from "real life" in a gorgeous setting is so healing for my soul. My best friend is getting married in a few weeks and I got to meet her fiance and spend some time with her. I even got a Pass of All Passes so we could spend time at Seven Peaks to relax. (I know I don't live in Utah, but it was actually cheaper to buy a Pass of All Passes through Groupon than just pay a normal admission price. Crazy. And now I have a reason to go to Utah more?) I've taken some fun classes at the Y. I'm trying to practice calligraphy more. And I signed up for a 10K in September. I started training for that this week and I'm kind of afraid it's going to kill me. Haha.

He is Risen

One of my 101 list goals was to attend an Easter or Christmas mass, so I did that today. I went downtown and went to the Cathedral of St. John the Evangelist. The Cathedral is beautiful, both inside and out. It was a neat experience to be able to go and see how others celebrate such a holy day. I wish I had worn different shoes, though. All the pews were full when I got there (after having to walk a few blocks, due to the fun parking situation downtown), so I got to join many others against the walls, where we stood for the entirety of the service. And for whatever reason, I actually wore heels today, instead of my usual flats. Oh well. It was still a good experience.

I went pretty much straight to church right after mass. Sacrament meeting was wonderful today. Along with a couple of beautiful musical numbers, a few different people had been asked to bear their testimony of Christ and the Atonement. It was so simple, but absolutely beautiful and the Spirit was so strong. Because isn't that what the gospel is all about? The good news of the gospel is all about Christ and what He has done for us. He atoned for our sins. He is there to succor us, and has overcome death. One of the testimonies really struck me in particular. One of the men related a story a sister told him on his mission She had someone ask her to consider where she would have been during the Savior's crucifixion. Would she be at the foot of the cross, with His other loved ones and the believers? Would she be mocking Him? Would she be at home unaware? As she pondered the thought, an impression came to her that she would actually be alone in the desert, trying to carry her own cross alone, because she wasn't fully utilizing Christ's Atonement.

How grateful I am for the knowledge that I don't have to carry my own cross alone, for Christ has invited me to take His yoke upon me, that my burdens may be light. I don't have to continue to punish myself for sins I've committed, for once I've utilized the Atonement, they are forgiven. I don't have to struggle alone and feel like nobody understands, because He does. He is there, always. I just need to turn to Him. For He lives.

Depth

So... that breakthrough in therapy that I mentioned in my last post. Remember that? It's something I've been thinking about a lot since then and trying to figure out how to apply it and fix some things in my life.

I firmly believe that therapy is really helpful and that there shouldn't be such a stigma about getting mental health treatment and talking to a therapist or counselor. I tell others all the time that therapy is awesome and beneficial and that it's a sign of strength when people are going to therapy, as it shows that they're taking care of themselves. Even if there isn't a formal diagnosis, it's nice to have a safe place to express yourself and work through things that you may not feel like you can on your own. We regularly see doctors, even when we're not sick, in order to get check-ups and make sure we're on the right path. Why should our brain and emotions be any different? So given all that, it is ironic that I feel a stigma telling anyone that I go to therapy, even (especially?) as a therapist myself. I mean, if I'm such a good therapist, shouldn't I be able to fix myself? (I know, I know...lots of thinking errors in that statement.) I debated even mentioning that my insight came through therapy. But now it's out there. I guess if I want there to be less stigma, I need to be part of the solution and not be afraid to talk about it.

Anyways, that was an aside. 

I haven't been going to therapy as regularly recently, as I feel like I've been doing better and working through what I've needed to. Something still felt a bit off, but I couldn't quite pinpoint it, and I felt like I was doing okay enough to not need as much support. So I was just updating my therapist on my life and what's going on, what I was still working on, etc. And then he said that it was like I was skipping along the surface.

When he made that observation, I had this image in my head of a rock skipping across the water. Just barely touching it, before going a bit further, then further, and further...never lasting long in one place, and never going any deeper than it had to in order to get to its next place.

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And then I flashed back to my last week of being an EFY counselor. I honestly don't remember a lot about that week (until I went back and read that post), but I do remember the word that the session directors used to describe me. Depth. I love that word. I love that they used it to describe me. It was something that I really liked about myself, even thought I couldn't always quantify or explain what it meant. 

With that image and memory in my head. I suddenly could put my finger on what was off in my life. I have lost my depth. I'm not even entirely sure how. It just isn't there like it was. If someone were to describe me now, the word depth wouldn't come up. But depth was such a part of me, that the Dixons, who barely knew me those few days I worked with them, realized and recognized it. Somehow along the way though, I've lost it. And that realization was a bit devastating. But, as my therapist wisely pointed out, if you've lost something, that means it's out there and you can find it again. It's not gone forever. 

So now, somehow, I need to get back to that foundational part of myself. My therapist used the analogy from the movie The Horse Whisperer. I haven't seen it, but he explained that a horse gets in a bad accident and then kind of forgets how to be a horse. He's forgotten who he is because of what's happened, and he has to work to get it back. My therapist compared that to me when he said that I "need to learn to be a horse again." I need to work towards getting my depth back, as that is a key component of who I am. I can't keep being like a rock skipping along the surface. I need to be like this diver, going deeper and deeper, discovering a whole new world of insight about myself and the world around me that I've honestly been avoiding, pretending that I'm content to be living on the surface..

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I have some ideas of how to get that depth back. I've been implementing a few different things and I think they might be helping somewhat. But it's still not quite enough. And I think a big part of what's missing is illustrated in this cartoon that very much describes me.

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I have some boundary and trust issues with others because what's been going on in my life. I shouldn't blame my circumstances, but it is how I've reacted to them. I'm trying to work through these boundary and trust issues, hard as they may be. Therapy has been helping some, as has been reading Brené Brown's works. (Love her.) The problem is, a lot of those issues have translated into my relationship with God. I'm not just keeping others out... I'm keeping Him out. I'm going through the motions of everything I'm "supposed to" do in regards to church and spiritual things, but nothing deeper. I'm skipping along the surface of my relationship with Him and with others. That isn't a fulfilling way for me to live. Part of depth for me comes through being vulnerable. I need to come unto Him with a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." That's just been really hard for me, when there have been several times in the last few years that I've felt utterly betrayed by Him. However, I know I'm happier when I open up my heart to Him. When I choose to let Him in, and let others be close to me, as well. But it is a daily battle at times. 

I'm not quite sure how to wrap up this long and kind of vulnerable blog post, so I'm guess I'll end with some questions and maybe get some participation. What does depth mean to you, when used to describe a person? How does someone go about gaining (or re-gaining) depth? Have any of you ever felt like you've lost some big part of yourself like that? How did you find it again? How have you worked through faith challenges in your life and become close to God again? I'd love to hear your stories. Feel free to post them here, or message me.